


Off the Record

by Cam719, westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Pre-White House (West Wing), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-24
Updated: 2008-11-24
Packaged: 2019-05-15 05:16:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 50,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14784243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cam719/pseuds/Cam719, https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: By annemflynn, camiller and Jennifer. An AU piece where Donna meets Josh on the Bartlet for America campaign where she's assigned to cover the campaign as a reporter.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

A/N 2: The chapters will alternate between Present Time and Flashback. This chapter is Present Time. 

Josh POV 

I can't do this. She can't ask me to. I'm not a strong enough man to deal with all of this and try to run the country at the same time. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna POV 

I hear his words and they just make me want to scream. But that might draw attention to us from the press corp. 

"Donna, I can't, I can't for the life of me understand why you think something can work." 

"Damnit Joshua, I am so frustrated with you." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

With me? 

Really? 

"Frustrated with *me*?" 

It is always good to confirm these things and from the look on Donna's face she's definitely frustrated with me, coming up on pissed off too. 

"Ok, so you're frustrated. What in God's name do you think I am?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna POV 

"I keep hearing about this education you have, Harvard, Yale, and a Fulbright Scholar. Yet, I don't see it. I don't see how between our intelligence and our combined brain power we can't figure out a way around the issues." 

Crap. 

Crap. Crap. Crap. 

"It's never going to happen is it?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

She walks away without waiting to hear my answer. I don't know if it's ever going to happen, but I know I desperately want it to. I desperately want to be able to have it happen. 

I watch her walk away and begin working on something. She is, without a shadow of a doubt, unlike any woman I've ever known. 

Donna inspires me to be a different man, to remember that politics, while a huge part of my life, is not my only life. The banter and the flirting make us who we are. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

I've been away from him for too long. I miss his presence. Everyone jokes about his ego, but the `everyone' is right, his ego is huge. Maybe it comes from being oh so damn good at the job he does. He's certainly earned the ego. 

But what I really miss is the way he fills up a room. Josh walks in and it is as if the room instantly transfers from Black and White to a fifty inch plasma tv with such brilliant colors you can't remember a time when you didn't have it, and if perchance you do remember the time, you don't want to. 

When I am walking next to him, his hand softly rests at the small of my back, guiding me, leading me, escorting me from place to place in such a way most would see it as gentlemanly. I know the truth. 

I know it's the closest he's going to be able to get to actually touching me in public. Josh can't hold my hand and he can't wrap his arm around me. There is a need for secrecy because of who we are. 

I hate that need. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

Donna and I haven't finished this argument by a long shot. It's a recurring one. She's not frustrated with me she's frustrated with the situation we find ourselves in. 

I watch her work as I walk through the Newseum and listen to the President speak. Some days, on the tough days, I think I can give this all up and she and I can be happy. Then I remember why I'm here and it's not about the easy days. It's about the tough days. It's about the fight for the greater good. 

But being happy shouldn't be a fight. So how come I feel like I'm constantly fighting to be happy? 

I may not be standing next to her but I know where she is, I know her every move. She has me entranced. It's been that way since she first walked into my office. 

That night at the bar scared me. It scared me to think that I could let myself be hurt by her so easily and so quickly. Sam would say that men in our position can't be hurt; we don't put ourselves in the position to be hurt. I'd disagree. 

When I gave my heart to one Donnatella Moss, I handed over the rights to being hurt. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

Josh moves through this place with a fluidity that is rarely seen in politics. His steps are not calculated. Simply, he owns the space; he owns the rooms he is in. Josh is the center of attention at least with the women and probably with the men too because they feel threatened by him. Threatened politically and threatened personally. He can have any woman in the room and maybe even some of the men too. 

It is, in no uncertain terms, erotic to watch him work. To see the passion that just flows from his body, the way he puts himself, all of himself, into the actions of politics is mesmerizing. His arms, hands and body move of their own accord and compliment whatever point he is trying to make. His energy and stamina are the thing of legends as he bounces on his feet, unable to control himself from moving. The way he paces is rhythmic. His eyes glancing around, taking in everything but focusing solely on the one person in front of him makes you wonder how you can breathe without him watching you. 

I turn to walk into the lobby, needing some air when I feel him watching me. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

Where the hell is she going now? It's not time for us to leave. Soon, but not yet. 

I hate these events when I can see her but I can't touch her. I can't banter with her and we definitely can't spend much time together. 

As I walk near the stairs I look up as Toby calls my name. I see the signal and breathe a sigh of relief. I move to tell Leo and hope to get this evening wrapped up. 

From the corner of my eye I see Donna, there is so much I want to say to her, and so much I can't. 

I make the signal and Leo looks at me, dumbfounded. I explain it's the signal for the thing and we talk for a minute before we continue on with our tasks for the town hall. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

I'm watching Josh from the lobby, I see him make the sign to Leo and I know the shuttle is safe. I offer a silent prayer of thanks. 

I lean against the wall, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths. I find myself unable to control my anger at this situation Josh and I are in. I'm not sure how long I'm leaning here when I sense Josh's presence. 

Slowly I open my eyes and watch him watch me. 

"Josh?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

She's stressed just the tone of her voice tells me that. 

"You ok?" 

I take in the sight of Donna trying to grasp hold of her emotions. They run rampant across her face, her jaw tightens and her eyes blaze. This is one of my favorite looks on her. Defiant Donna. 

"I'm far from ok and I'd presume you are far from ok!" 

She screams at me in a whisper. I decide the lobby, in view of the senior staff, the press corps and those in attendance for tonight's town hall meeting don't need to see this spat so I drag her into a dimly lit alcove off the lobby. 

"I'm about as far from ok as I can be, but Donna we're working tonight. We need to do the job first." 

I watch as her eyes grow bright with tears she's fighting against letting fall. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

Damnit Donna crying is not an option now. 

"How can you do this? How can you imagine that this can only be about work when we know it's not, it's not even close Josh. This is so much more. We haven't even begun and you're telling me we're over? I refuse to believe it." 

I watch him again and I see the fight return to his eyes. His words echo the emotions in his eyes. 

"We aren't over, we're just delayed." 

"Delayed?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

"Delayed, for the time being. Till we either find new jobs or find our way around the ones we have now." 

She looks at me and nearly kills me when a single tear escapes her eyes, slowly trailing down her cheek. I reach out to wipe it away. Her words make me want to cry. 

"I don't know if I can wait that long Josh. I don't know if I can delay this thing between us. I don't know if I can live with myself if I try to." 

She's angry again and as she turns to the right to walk away from me, I desperately reach out and grab her left hand. I pull her back to me, wrapping our joined hands around my waist to my back, my left hand on the wall next to her head and my face millimeters from hers. I step closer, boxing her against the wall with my body, fitting my chest to her chest and my hips to her hips. I stifle the groan at the back of my throat that threatens to give away how desperate I am to be in this position with her while wearing much less clothing. 

I tilt my head and whisper to her, 

"I can't live with myself if we don't try" and with that I capture her lips in one of the deepest, most passionate kisses we've ever engaged in. We've had slip ups before, but not like this. This is deliberate, calculated and executed flawlessly. 

I feel the exact moment she gives in to the kiss and the emotions. It is when she squeezes the hand that holds hers against my back and at the same time I feel her run her leg up mine. Anyone watching us would wonder if she's climbing up my body and just exactly what we're doing. I release her hand and wrap my arm around her pulling her flush against me and then I lean us against the wall, my knuckles scraping against the cement. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Donna POV 

Wha? 

Huh? 

Um… 

Oh yeah, kissing Josh. 

OH. MY. GOD! 

AAANNNDDD… now I'm not kissing him. 

He pulled back, smirk firmly in place. Then I hear him in a husky whispered tone, 

"We'll figure it out. That kiss tells me and hopefully you also, we have no choice but to." 

With that I watch him walk towards the door, the senior staff just left and he's about to walk out when he turns to face me. 

He smiles at me, his eyes soft and longing. He moves through the door and as I gaze at the back of his head, I shake myself from my reverie and move towards the door as well. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

Where the hell did everyone go? How did I end up separated from them for only a minute or two… 

What in the hell is that noise? 

Shit… that's gunfire. I speed up my walking in the attempt to find everyone. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

As I cross through the door, I hear the most horrific sounds and see everyone scrambling. The press corps races off to the side as I watch windows shatter before my eyes. I see the secret service throwing people down and for a half a minute I am frozen. One thought passes through my mind, 

Josh… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

This isn't good, God this isn't good. I have never felt pain like this in my life. I can't really breathe and I can't scream. Where is everyone? 

She's never going to know. 

She's never going to know. 

Please God let her be safe. 

Toby. 

Toby's here. He's screaming at me, 

"Josh!" 

I try to open my eyes. He's screaming for help as he kneels next to me. I have to know. 

"Donna…" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Toby POV 

He's laying on the ground, half dying and he's asking about DONNA? 

"She's fine I think, she's not with us right now. Don't worry about Donna right now." 

He looks at me and without uttering another word I realize he needs an answer. I don't think I want to know how deep he is into this `thing' with Donna, but he's laying here bleeding out so I look around and see her by the doors to the Newseum. She looks stunned and terrified but seems unharmed. I look at Josh and relay that info, 

"She's by the door to the Newseum. Secret Service won't let her any further than the awning of the building. It seems they are physically holding her back." 

He closes his eyes and seems to settle down knowing Donna is safe and won't be allowed into the open air. 

Joshua, when you recover from this I'm going to kick your ass all the way back to Connecticut. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Josh POV 

She's safe… 

She's safe… 

I'm just going to close my eyes for a minute… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

These damn secret service agents keep telling me they won't let me through. I have to get to Josh. 

"I have to get to Josh. Please please let me go. I just heard you say the shooters are down. There's no danger. Please let me go." 

The agent holds me back. There are tears streaming down my face. 

"You don't understand…" 

"Ma'am I can't let you go. You need to stay back here. You're badge doesn't authorize you…" 

"MY BADGE? MY FUCKING BADGE DOESN'T AUTHORIZE ME TO BE WITH JOSH?" 

I rip the laminated tags over my head and fling them to the ground, taking the agent by surprise. Using that surprise to my advantage I break out into a dead run towards where Josh is laying on the ground with Toby kneeling next to him. 

I blow past Sam and I know he's stunned, but nothing, now that I'm free from the binds of the agents is keeping me from Josh. 

Hold on Josh, I'm coming… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Toby POV 

Donna is running towards us. I should tell Josh. 

"Josh! Open your eyes, Donna is running over to us, hang on Josh, and open your damn eyes." 

As Donna approaches I shift out of her way. As she flings herself on the ground, I can almost hear her knees scrape against the concrete. She cradles Josh's head in her lap. 

I am stunned at the look of utter devastation on her face. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Josh POV 

She's here. 

She shouldn't see this. 

"Donna" I don't know if I said her name or thought it. I need to close my eyes… 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Donna POV 

I'm holding his head in my lap and I see the blood pouring through the gaps in his fingers. He's trying to hold his blood in, he's trying to hold on to his life and it's seeping through his fingers. 

I cover his hands with my own, desperate to help him, silent prayers flit through my brain as I watch him fade in and out. From my side, Sam appears and gently replaces my tags around my neck, pulling my hair out of the lanyard but holding it back so it doesn't flop in my face as I bend over Josh's prone form. 

Josh shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be suffering like this. Where the hell is help? Why aren't they coming! 

Joshua you don't get to die on me tonight. You promised me we'd find a way. You promised me and you don't break your promises. 

You can read my mind, I know you can. Read this loud and clear. 

No dying tonight Joshua. 

TBC


	2. Off the Record

*Flashback to Bartlet for America; right after the Democratic Convention* 

Josh's POV: 

"Can you believe this shit?" I demand. 

"No." Sam replies. 

"This is the second time this week. We're trying to build post-convention momentum and he skewers us again? This is simply unbelievable! " 

"Unbelievable. " Sam repeats with a flat tone which made me stop my tirade to turn around and face my friend. 

"You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?" Sam shakes his head no. "And yet you just keep responding as if you do?" 

"Yeah…it's always worked before." Sam explains. 

"This new columnist the Times hired has skewered us for the second time in one week!" I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. "How are we supposed to stay on message and show party unity when this damn columnist keeps hammering on process stories?!" 

"Calm down." Sam advises me. "What did they write?" 

I pull the column I cut out of the paper from my pocket and begin reading it to Sam. "He titled it, `A House Divided'." 

"You're carrying it around with you?" Sam asks. 

"It bugged me." I reply and continue reading. "A week out of the Democratic convention there is already a visible divide between the Bartlet camp and the Hoynes camp. It's hard to understand why anyone in the Bartlet camp thought it would be a good idea to offer the 2nd spot to John Hoynes who was the front runner and presumed Democratic nominee. Senator Hoynes took several hard blows throughout this campaign, starting with the defection of his Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman." I let out a huff of breath before I continue. 

"The only possible explanation is that Leo McGarry and Josh Lyman felt they needed John Hoynes, and the electoral votes from Texas that come with him, in order to win in November. That move put Governor Bartlet in a weakened position right out of the gate at a time when he should be enjoying a post convention bump. While Leo McGarry hasn't been as actively engaged in D.C. politics of late, surely Joshua Lyman, who knew John Hoynes better than any other political   
operative, should have known what a strategic error it was to put Senator Hoynes on the ticket." 

"Ah, so it's not so much the Governor he was skewering as, well, you." Sam concludes. 

"We need Hoynes on the ticket." I remind him. 

"Right. Which is, I believe, what this columnist was pointing out." Sam agrees. 

"Do you want me to read the rest of this or not?" I ask. 

"Not." Sam answers quickly. "Take my advice. Forget this columnist. Keep your head in the game." 

"That's what I should do." I agree. 

"But you're not going to, are you?" Sam asks. 

"Not a chance." 

******************************* 

Donna's POV: 

I walk into Bartlet headquarters and I almost get plowed down by someone running through the lobby carrying a stack of boxes. There are 10, maybe 15 people milling around that seem to be waiting for something or someone. I look around for the receptionist and spot a harried young woman manning the front desk and several phone lines. 

"Bartlet for America…Sure, I just talked to you…I disconnected you?...I'm so sorry. Let me try to connect you again…It's my first day answering phones and it's crazy busy here, you know?" The distraught woman pushed a button and crossed her fingers. That didn't look promising to me. 

"Excuse me." I say quietly and her head pops up to mine. "I need to speak to Josh Lyman." 

"Sorry, Mr. Lyman isn't here right now. Did you have an appointment?" 

An appointment; what a great idea. "We've been playing phone tag, but the message I got was to meet him here at 1:00." I lie with a straight face. I took drama for awhile in college before I settled on journalism. 

"Oh, and it's already 10 after 1." She appears really distressed now. She leans in toward me conspiratorially. "Mr. Lyman is ALWAYS late." 

"Maybe I could speak with his assistant?" I suggest. 

This statement is met with a full out belly laugh. "He doesn't have an assistant." 

"The senior political director for the Democratic nominee doesn't have an assistant?" She must have that wrong. This isn't exactly the brightest bulb on the tree. 

"Not at the moment. He kind of goes through them quickly. I think the record for Mr. Lyman's assistant is 3 days, but I could be off on that." 

"I see." I reply, even though I don't. "Well, if you'll just direct me to his office, I'll wait for him there." 

"Oh, sure. It's through these doors, it's the fifth door on the left… or is it the sixth? You can't miss it; it looks like a bomb went off inside." She ends our conversation abruptly when she attempts to   
answer the phone lines ringing again. 

I wander inside and, just as the woman predicted, I have no problem finding Joshua Lyman's office. I see a station with coffee brewing and help myself to a cup. I just finish pouring when I hear a bang and who should come through the door but Josh Lyman himself. A red headed woman is following closely behind him. 

"Leo asked me to ask you to take a couple interviews off his plate." The woman was telling him. 

"No! Absolutely no press, Margaret. They are all bottom feeding sharks waiting to take a big bite out of me this week and in order to survive I am staying as far away as possible from those opportunistic bastards." 

"So, that's a no?" Margaret concludes. 

"A definite no. No. Press." Josh affirms. 

"Fine, but Leo was serious about hiring a new assistant. He's got a pool of prospective applicants and he wants you to hire one of them today. Also, he said he's got $50 bucks riding on the fact you can   
keep this next one a week and if you cause him to lose the $50, he's taking it out of your…what did he call it?...oh, yeah, your sorry ass." 

"Thanks Margaret." Josh rolls his eyes and walks away from her. When he gets to his door, he looks at me and does a double take. He flashes a grin at me and the most adorable dimples pop out on his face. "Can I help you?" 

"Uh…the receptionist sent me back to your office." Okay, the dimples distracted me for a second. Plus, he just got done yelling that he wouldn't have anything to do with the press. 

"Oh." He says like he's disappointed. "Well, come on in. Grab me a cup too, would you?" he asks since I'm still standing by the coffee. 

"Are you kidding me?" I ask. 

"Kidding you?" he repeats. "Why would I be kidding you? It's just a cup of coffee and you're standing right next to it." 

"Is your arm broken?" I shoot back. 

"Excuse me?" He sends me a puzzled look. 

"I can't think of another reason you'd expect me to get you coffee just because I'm wearing a skirt. I didn't think Democrats were so sexist." I see his eyes briefly check out said skirt and the legs beneath it before they jerk back up to mine. 

"We're not- I'm not! I just-" 

"If you ARE incapacitated in some way, I'll be glad to get you some coffee. Otherwise, you should walk the arduous 5 feet to the coffee machine and pour your own damn cup. Come on over, I'll talk you through it step by step." I smile condescendingly. 

"I think I remember the steps." He looks at me strangely as he approaches the coffee machine like he's waiting for me to pull out an automatic weapon or something. 

"What's your name?" he asks while he pours. 

"Donna." I reply quickly. 

"Just Donna?" he quirks an eyebrow at me. God, he is cute. 

"Donnatella, actually." I elaborate and immediately want to kick myself. I hate being called Donnatella, and nobody gets away with it but my mother. 

"Donnatella. " He repeats and it rolls very nicely off his tongue. "Come in and have a seat." He gestures for me to enter his office, but once inside, I see there is not a single flat surface, including the floor, that isn't covered in papers of some kind. 

"Where exactly?" I deadpan. 

"Sorry, it's a little messy." He apologizes and clears off the papers from one of the seats. 

"A little?" I laugh. "If you manage to get the Governor elected, he can declare this a Federal Disaster area." 

"You have a unique interview style, Donnatella; insulting your potential boss." 

"I'm not sure this is a job I'd want." 

"Why not?" 

"I already have a pretty good job." Donna admitted. 

"Then what are you doing here?" he asks all exasperated, and runs his hands through his hair; leaving it standing on end. 

"Trying to figure out what makes you tick." Again, I'm completely honest here. 

Now he leans forward. "Politics makes me tick. What is this about?" 

"I'm a big fan. I saw an opportunity to meet you and I took it." 

He's still looking a little wary, but like every other human being with a Y chromosome, he's very susceptible to flattery. 

"Who are you?" he asks again. 

"I'm Donna. Have you had lunch yet? We could grab a bite." I suggest. 

"And you're not looking for a job here?" he confirms. 

"No, just information. I took a lot of Government classes in college.." I flirt a little and he responds predictably. 

"And that was when; last semester?" He leans back in his chair and his eyes take on a predatory gleam again. 

"Are you asking me how old I am, Mr. Lyman? I'm pretty sure that's illegal to ask an applicant." 

"It's Josh, and you just said you're not here for a job." 

"You didn't know that until now. Do you really expect your assistant to fetch you coffee? No wonder they don't last more than a couple days." I point out. 

"The last one lasted 3 days and – who the hell are you?" he raised his voice in frustration. 

"Don't shout." I remind him. "Although I understand your bad mood, I heard you've had a bit of a day." He looks flummoxed for a minute, but recovers quickly. He has a pretty good poker face at the moment, but my source told me he went 15 rounds with Hoynes earlier. 

"Today wasn't anything unusual." He maintains. "Other than a beautiful woman showing up in my office for a job interview when she already has a job." 

Okay, the beautiful woman comment got me a bit. "That's not what I heard. Why is Hoynes giving you such a hard time? Is it payback for leaving his office to run the Governor?" 

"Who are you?" he repeats yet again as he sits back in his chair and takes another swallow of coffee. 

"Do you always interview this way? Are we playing twenty questions now?" 

"Would it get me some answers?" 

"How good are you at asking questions?" 

"Pretty damn good." He replies. 

"Really? I hears that smart ass answers were more your specialty." 

"Are you a Republican?" 

"Registered Independent. " 

"Ah, even better; a fence sitter." 

"A fence sitter?" I chuckle and sip my own coffee. 

"Someone who can't be bothered to make a commitment to either party and then tries to play it off as idealistic. As least the Republicans know what the hell they stand for. It's all shit, but they reliably   
stick to their shit come hell or high water. Independents swing all over the place and don't have loyalty to anything or anybody." 

"Staying Independent makes it easier for me to jump out of the Democratic party boat when they start to shoot themselves in the foot which inevitably happens about now in the election cycle. What's the saying? `Never underestimate the ability of the Democratic party to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory'?" 

"At least we have lively debate, the Republicans are positively robotic, with the same talking points coming out of each of their mouths." 

"They are consistent." I point out. 

"Consistently wrong, sure." Josh leaned in toward me. "Governor Bartlet is going to change how things are done in Washington, and I'm going to help him do it." 

"If you can get him elected. The dissension in the ranks is a problem for you." 

"I've got news for you Donnatella, there is always dissention in the ranks. We'll get through it." 

"John Hoynes doesn't seem to be a fan of yours, or Governor Bartlet's." 

"This is about the damn column in the Times isn't it? Leave it to a damn columnist to reduce an honest to God candidate with intelligence and ethics into a process story. This D. Moss character is full of   
shit, and he should spend a little more time around campaigns so he can speak more authoritatively about how they work." Whoa! That got a bit of a reaction. 

"She." I correct him. 

"Excuse me?" 

"She. D. Moss is a she, not a he." 

****************************************

Josh's POV: 

I'm getting that sinking feeling again. You know the one you get when you realize you've stepped into the political equivalent of quicksand? 

"D. Moss is a woman?" I squeak out and she nods with a smirk on her face. "And you know that because…" I take a fortifying swallow of coffee. 

"I'm Donnatella Moss." She tells me matter of factly while I spit out my coffee. "Do you need a napkin?" 

"This is off the record. All of this is off the record. You never identified yourself as a reporter." I rattle off quickly. 

"I know." She tells me calmly. "This isn't a sting. I wanted a chance to talk to you and I didn't think you'd meet with me if I told you I worked for the Times." 

"Damn right." I get up out of my chair. She stops me with a light hand on my arm. 

"I'm sorry, I should have identified myself when I first came in, but I wanted to talk to you." I sit back down slowly. 

"You last two columns sucked." I tell her. 

"Were there any factual mistakes?" she counters. 

"It's not the facts I was objecting to, it was the conjecture." I explain. "Hoynes isn't pissed that I jumped ship, he's pissed that he didn't listen to me in the first place and that's part of why I jumped ship." I clamp my mouth shut again. "It doesn't matter. The point is, that you don't get the nuances of a Presidential campaign." 

"Then explain it to me. Help me understand what you mean." She challenges me. "Off the record; my word." 

"Like that means something." I scoff, but I'm still considering it. What concerns me is that I don't think my motives here are pure. Yeah, maybe it would help the campaign, but what really intrigues me is this woman. "IF I did this, anything I told you would be off the record until after the election." 

"That sounds fair." She agrees far too readily. 

"You don't want a Presidential election scoop?" I probe a bit. 

"Sure I do, but I have other sources for that." 

"What other sources?" 

"Sources that tell me Hoynes smashed a mug during your meeting today." She offers. 

Shit. 

"You want to write a book." I deduce. 

"It's always been a goal of mine. I'm very focused on my goals, Joshua." I consider this a minute, in a purely professional manner…mostly. What harm could come from it? I can handle one young reporter. I'm a seasoned political operative. 

***************************** 

Donna's POV: 

I'm beginning to feel like a mistress. He meets me in clandestine places, flirts with me, throws pretty compliments my way, but he always goes back to Bartlet at the end of the evening. 

There's no doubt that the man is brilliant, but it's a Wiley E. Coyote type of brilliance. When he hits all cylinders, it's jackpot time, but when he misses, the equivalent of a Republican Roadrunner dumps a 1 ton anvil on top of his head. It's a bit of a hire wire act. Actually, that's a good analogy for our relationship too. Can I call this a relationship? We've seen each other several times now and I feel like we're teetering on the edge of something more personal, but then he remembers my vocation and he quickly backs away. At the moment though, he's in the bantering mood; which is my personal favorite. 

"You're toying with me now." I tell him. 

"Oh, Donnatella, we both know that's not true." He replies smiling. 

"He can't be that involved in the details of his own Presidential campaign. He has to delegate at this point." I insist. 

"Right. Explain that to him." Josh takes another sip of beer. "He gets input and advice from his team, but the outcome and how it's executed? That's all him." 

"Hmmm. Just how much input and advice does he take from Mandy Hampton?" I ask the question I've been dying to ask for the last two weeks. 

"Mandy is strictly on media; not policy." He goes to take another swallow of beer and looks disappointed when he comes up empty. Without a moment of hesitation, he picks up my bottle and takes a swig from it. I decide to ignore it. 

"But a media strategist would have to work pretty closely with the senior staff wouldn't they?" I try again. He leans closer so that we're almost nose to nose. 

"What is it you want to know, Ms. Moss?" he whispers. 

I shift my gaze away from his intense expression and in an attempt at distraction, I pick up a French fry from his plate and pop it into my mouth. His attention doesn't veer from me for a second, but a smirk forms on his mouth as if he knows the reason for my delay. 

"Are you involved with Mandy Hampton?" I blurt out. 

"Of course I am. We're running a Presidential campaign together." He shoots back. 

"Such a politician's answer." 

"I'm a politician." He finally leans back from me and plays with his fork. "It's sort of been an off again on again thing." 

"So are you off or on at the moment?" 

"Is this for your paper or your book?" he asks. 

"Neither." I answer when I get a spurt of courage. That got his attention. 

"Donna…" he begins and I almost get sick at the thought that he's letting me down gently. In the real world, all this banter and flirting would be leading to something, but as Josh has just reminded me, he's a politician. So, I put on a blasé face and utter the first lie that comes to me. 

"It's for a friend of mine who's interested in you. I tried to tell her what an insufferable, conceited, political player you are; but there's no accounting for that girl's taste." I watch him carefully to see if he's buying it and I think he is; remember…drama major? 

"Thanks for the referral but I don't have much free time working on a Presidential campaign." He replies, but he doesn't look at me. "It's getting late. I should head back." He throws a few bills on the table   
and we both get up from the booth we'd shared. At each of our `meetings' Josh has always walked slightly behind me, with his hand at the small of my back. This time, he walks ahead of me and is careful to avoid any contact with me at all. 

Shit. Did I read this wrong? Did I preemptively hurt him, to avoid having him hurt me, when he wasn't actually going to hurt me after all? What do I do now? 

He holds the door to the café open for me, but he avoids my gaze. 

"Do you want to share a cab?" I offer. 

"I think I'll just walk, thanks." He gives me a grim smile. "I'll talk to you later, Donna." 

He turns to go and after a few steps my stomach revolts. "Joshua? Wait a second!" 

He turns quizzically, but doesn't move any closer to me so I'm forced to go to him. 

"There is no friend." I admit and his eyebrows knit together in confusion. "I…I lied about having a friend who was interested in you." 

Now he takes a step closer. "Why?" he demands quietly. 

"I was afraid I read the signals wrong and I didn't want to hear you say I read the signals wrong, so I made up a story to save face, but now I think I hurt you and I didn't mean for that to happen at all." I pause for a breath. "I'm sorry." 

He takes another step closer to me on the nearly deserted street and I hold my breath. "You didn't read the signals wrong." He says simply and presses his lips to mine. I grab onto his arms to avoid melting into a puddle; he's very good at the kissing. "Donnatella." I love the sound of my full name coming from his lips as they move across my face. 

When he pulls back, several minutes later, we're both panting for breath. "What I was going to say, back at the café, was that it might not be a good idea to get involved given the jobs we both have. Now, I don't care so much about that." 

I nod my agreement. "We'll figure it out." 

"We'll have to figure it out separately for awhile. I'm on the debate prep team. We're leaving for Manchester tomorrow for some intense sessions. Leo's worried about our numbers in the Southeast so we're   
revamping some of our answers for the debate. I don't even know where I'll be after that." 

"I understand." I assure him. "It's going to be crazy for you for the next few months." I note that his trust in me has already increased. He no longer says things like, `this is completely off the record now' when we're talking about the campaign. 

"I'll call you from New Hampshire?" he turns the statement into a question with the tone of his voice. 

"I'd like that." I tell him. He waves his hand in the air, and like magic, a cab appears. He opens the door for me, but before I get in, he gives me one last kiss. 

"Goodnight, Donnatella." 

************************** 

Josh's POV: 

It's day 3 in Manchester and normally I'd be ready to slit a wrist after enduring hours of endless trivia quizzes by the Governor, but I'm floating instead. At every break I call Donna. Sometimes, I have to leave a message but usually she picks up and just hearing her voice makes me high. She offers her opinions, mocks mine, and teases me about my inability to keep an assistant. 

I'm starving, so I go down to get some breakfast. I figure I can grab a bagel and some coffee and still have a few minutes to call her and say `Good morning'. I get my provisions and I'm heading outside to make my call when I literally run into Leo. 

"Have you seen the Times?" He barks at me. 

"What is it?" 

"There's a front page story about the Governor's numbers in the southeast and how that region might cost him the election." 

"Isn't that exactly why we're here? To revamp some answers so they'll play better there?" 

"Yeah, it is." Leo agrees. 

"Then what's the problem?" 

"The problem is that's what the Times printed. Specifically, they wrote that due to my critical concern about our numbers there, we're holed up in New Hampshire to revamp our answers so they'll play better there." Leo explains. "Josh, we've got a leak." 

Oh. Shit. 

************************************* 

Donna's POV: 

I haven't heard from Josh all day; which is very unusual. I left my first message at noon and just asked him to call back. My second message was around 5. It went like this; (beep) Josh, I know the last time we spoke you were threatening to kill yourself if the Governor subjected you to one more lecture about some trivia, but now I haven't heard from you all day, and I'm afraid you may have done something rash. Call me and let me know you're still among the living. 

I'm waiting at home for his return call like some lovesick teenager, when I get a call from a colleague at the paper asking if I knew of any reaction from the Bartlet camp about Ted's revelation this morning. When I ask what the revelation was, I'm told it was an inside source that went on record with Ted saying that Leo McGarry was worried about their numbers in the southeast and had the senior staff holed up in Manchester to skew their answers for the next debate so they will play better in that region. My heart sinks. Now I understand why Josh isn't calling. He thinks I'm the one who gave Ted the information. 

Shit. 

************************** 

Josh's POV: 

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. The stress from the campaign would be enough to cause this condition, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was directly related to this mess with Donna. Her first couple messages were light and funny, but after that they sounded worried and then they stopped altogether; when she figured out I knew about her leaking the information to her colleague. 

The cab dropped me off in front of my brownstone and all I want to do is fall into unconsciousness on or near my bed. I drag my bag up the stairs, digging in my pocket for my keys, when I see a pair of shoes on the floor in front of me; female shoes that contain incredible female feet that are attached to long legs. My eyes continue on their journey upward until they meet the very worried eyes of Donnatella Moss. 

"I didn't leak it Josh. It wasn't me; I swear to you it wasn't me." She says quietly. I don't know how to respond; so I don't respond at all. "You've told me lots of things over the past couple months. I haven't shared any of it with anyone. I don't work that way; professionally or personally." 

"Come inside, Donnatella." I finally manage and unlock the door for both of us to enter. 

"I'm not lying to you, Josh. I didn't leak it." She repeats and God help me, I believe her. 

I nod my head in acceptance and her shoulders literally sag with relief. "Sit down." I indicate the couch and I only pause to drop my bag before sitting with her. 

"This isn't going to work Donna." 

"I thought you believed me." she sounds hurt. 

"I do, but as long as you've got the job you do and I have the job I do, it can't work." It gives me no pleasure to be saying this, but it's the truth. 

"This will look like nothing if you win the election." She mutters. 

"What are you talking about?" I ask. 

"My editor told me I'm going to be offered a spot in the White House Press Corps after the election. Nancy is retiring." 

"And you're going to take it?" I'm floored. 

"Why wouldn't I? It's what I've been working towards for years." 

"I thought you wanted to write a book!" 

"I do. Where did you think I was going to get the material for a book on Presidential politics?" she counters. 

"I was thinking maybe, after the election, there'd be enough professional distance between us that we could try this again. It would be impossible to do that if you're in the press corps!" My frustration and helplessness in this situation is adding more stress to an already stressful conversation. 

"What if we set up ground rules? We wouldn't talk about work." Donna offers. 

"You can't talk about your work and I can't talk about mine? Where does that leave us? Silent dinners and dates to the movies?" 

"I don't want to give up on this, Joshua." 

"Neither do I, but it can't happen if you take the position at the White House and we win the election. You need to rethink this." 

"I do? I need to rethink this?" Donna gets to her feet in mounting anger. "Why aren't you the one to rethink taking a position at the White House?" 

"Because I left my job to get the Governor elected President and this is what I've been working towards my whole life." 

"So I should cave on my promotion because we MIGHT have a personal relationship worth pursuing? What makes your career ambitions are more important than mine?" 

"I didn't say that." I hold out my hands, palms out, in a calming gesture. "Why are you getting so angry right now?" she shakes her head. "Sit down and talk to me Donna." 

"When I first went to college, I met a guy and thought we were in love. He was going to medical school but needed help with the expenses. He convinced me that his potential career as a doctor was more important and more lucrative than my potential career as a   
journalist. He decided that I would drop out and pay for his tuition and our living expenses until he finished medical school. Then once he was employed, I would go back to school and finish getting my degree." 

"When did you find out Dr. Freeride was cheating on you?" I ask quietly. 

"Dr. Freeride?" she repeats and I shrug. "I found out about 8 months after I'd dropped out of school. I lost two semesters by the time I wised up. I made a promise to myself that I would never let my ambitions come second to a man I was involved with again." 

"I'm sorry." I tell her. "I'm sorry he was such a jerk. I'm sorry he used you. You didn't deserve that. But this isn't the same situation, Donna." 

"It feels like it is." She murmured. 

"Look, we're both exhausted and emotionally wiped. Let's table this for now and see how we both feel in a few days. Maybe then things will look clearer to both of us." I suggest. 

"I don't see what's going to change in that time." Donna replies. 

"Maybe the Governor will tank in the debate and I won't have a White House job to accept or reject." I offer. 

"You really think so?" she asks skeptically. 

"No…" I reply with a half smile. 

"Me either." Donna admits. "Goodnight, Joshua. Get some sleep, you look like hell." And with a short kiss on my lips she lets herself out. The kiss makes me depressed because I figure it could very well be the last one she ever gives me. 

TBC


	3. Off the Record

Rosslyn, Virginia   
Eight minutes after the shooting 

~DONNA’S POV~ 

Josh’s head is in my lap. He seems so dazed and confused. His eyes drift shut and then open instantly when we all yell at him. CJ, Toby, and Sam, are all cluttered around us. Where the HELL is a paramedic!? 

There’s lights, and sirens, and yelling, and people running frantically. I have no idea if we’re even out of danger. I have no idea if the secret service got all the shooters. I know they got some of them. I don’t have time to think about danger. 

Josh is lying here on the pavement, growing weaker...dying. 

My hand is clenched over his over the bullet wound, like I’m trying to hold his life in his body, our fingers entwined. Toby has taken his jacket off and has pressed it over our hands, as well. CJ’s crying and screaming for a paramedic. 

I don’t know how much time is going by, but it seems like we’re here for hours. The senior staff are pretty important people. How is it no one’s looking for them? Each second that goes by, is a second he grows closer to death. He’s pale, so very pale, and so very scared. 

He ain’t the only one. 

“Donna.” he says softly, like the very act of talking is draining his energy. I lean over until I’m right in his face. He’s got to be able to feel my breath on his face, if he can feel anything at all right now other than fear. 

“I’m right here.” I say softly. “I’m right here with you.” 

“I’m so sorry.” he says and suddenly, there’s an amazing clarity in his eyes. “I should have said screw it. I was a coward.” 

“No.” I say shaking my head and making no attempt at hiding my tears. “You’re not, Josh. You’re so brave.” 

He reaches a blood covered hand up to my cheek. “Sorry.” he says quietly, as he his eyes drift shut. 

“Don’t you dare!” I shout, bouncing my knee. His eyes fly open with a groan and a flinch. “Don’t you dare say goodbye! This is not goodbye. Do you hear me? We’re not done yet, Josh. You’re going to make it, and when you do, you’re going to listen to everything I have to say. Because I have a lot to talk to you about, Josh. I have so much to tell you.” 

I am not, I am absolutely NOT losing the only man I’ve ever really loved. I don’t care how stubborn we’ve been. I don’t care what his occasionally deluded, but brilliant, mind thinks about a member of the senior staff being romantically involved with a member of the press. I know that the senior staff has given me suspicious looks. They like me enough, like they like Danny, but they’re always suspicious. And whenever I’ve got a lead on something, I can see behind CJ’s eyes that she thinks Josh gave it to me. That’s never been the case, but they don’t completely trust us. 

Up until this moment, that’s stopped us. I won’t let it happen anymore. He looks up at me now with love, fear, and regret in his eyes. The regret I can do something about. 

I lean down and whisper in his ear. “You have to fight for me, Josh. You have to fight. I want to be with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else, and I don’t want you to be with anyone but me. So, fight, Josh. Fight.” Then I press a kiss to his forehead and lean back up. There’s an ever so slight nod to his head and I feel a little lighter. 

Medics fall to our sides and hastily move us out of the way. The four of us stand back as the medics quickly go to work on Josh. Finally, he’s getting help. Tears are streaming down mine and CJ’s faces, Toby and Sam look utterly terrified, and Josh is speaking completely incoherently. Each bit more he fades is a bit more my heart hardens. 

They move him quickly to a stretcher and run him to a waiting ambulance, loading him swiftly into the back. The medic hits the back door of the ambulance twice, calls out “GW!” and it takes off. 

We all watch the ambulance for a moment, and then CJ turns to me. “Sorry, Donna, no press.” She says almost coldly. 

No press? NO PRESS! His blood is on my clothes, God dammit, and all over my hands, and probably on my face, and you’ve got the audacity to tell ME no press! 

“Do you not have EYES in your head, CJ!?” I scream. Toby, Sam, and CJ all look at me with surprise. “No Press? You think that’s what it’s about? You call yourselves his friend, but if he so much as smiles at me, you suspect him of a leak. If I walk within ten feet of him, you hurry one of us away. Not everything is about the White House! Not everything is about a story! Look at me! Look at my hands, CJ! I’m not injured. This isn’t MY blood. The rest of the press corps ran for cover. I ran for him!” 

“Donna,” Sam says steadily with a gentle hand on my elbow. “calm down. People are looking at you.” 

“I. Don’t. Care. Sam.” I punch out. 

I turn my attention back to CJ. “No press?” I hiss again. “He called for me on that pavement, CJ. He asked for me. You think it was to give me a fucking exclusive? I’m not press, CJ. I’m the woman he loves. And I will be there for him, with or without your permission or your support. No press? No. No YOU.” 

I spin around and storm away from them. I came on the press bus, which seems to be... I look to the direction that it was parked in. Okay. So, it’s got bullet holes and broken glass in it. I think I’ll be needing another mode of transportation. 

“Donna!” Danny calls running over. “Come share a cab with me. I’ll get you back to the White House.” 

I slowly turn in his direction, mouth agape, and I almost laugh out loud. His eyes widen when he takes in my appearance. “Oh my God! Are you all right? Are you hit!?” 

“It’s not my blood.” I say. I don’t recognize the voice coming out of me. It’s coming from a woman with a dying heart. “It’s Josh’s.” 

“Josh’s!? Josh Lyman? Josh was hit?” Danny asked frantically. “Was anyone else? Was CJ?” 

I want to laugh again. I’m so disgusted. Danny’s got a desperate look in his eyes. I know it because it’s probably the same look reflecting out of mine. We’re in the same boat, he and I; both hopelessly in love with members of the senior staff, doomed to love from afar. Well, one of is, and it’s not me. I know CJ’s got feelings for him, too. I can see it when she talks to him, and argues with him. But her ‘no press’ comment a little while ago tells me unequivocally that she’s closed the door on that possibility. Has she even looked for Danny? Has she even given him a passing thought? 

“She’s all right.” I say tonelessly. “Sam, Toby and CJ are all all right. Only Josh was...” 

“Come on.” he says guiding me. “Once we’re out of this perimeter, we’ll be able to get a cab. I’ll take you home. You can get changed.” 

“I’m not ready to get changed.” I reply. 

“Donna, you can’t stay in those clothes. You’ve got to get that blood off you.” Danny insists. 

“I don’t want it off me.” I reply. “Danny, as long as I’ve got Josh’s blood on me, I have a chance to get in to see him.” 

“Donna,” Danny says gently, as if trying to reason with a four year old holding a bomb. “You’re a reporter. You aren’t getting anywhere near the injured Deputy Chief of Staff.” 

“You want to make a bet, Danny?” 

TBC


	4. Off the Record

This chapter is a Flashback. 

Josh POV 

I can't believe he did this. If anyone was going to do it though, it would be Sam. 

Sam, Sam, Sam. 

He's been my best friend for a million years and I love him like a brother but how the hell can he accidentally sleep with a prostitute. 

Call girl. 

Sorry. 

Call girl… and a highly paid one at that. 

His career could be over. Probably should be over, but then again, in politics, people have overcome more. 

It's just that she showed up on the arm of a major contributor at the State Dinner and Sam, being Sam, flipped out. 

I mean REALLY flipped out. You actually want to know how badly? 

He offered Laurie, the highly paid call girl, ten grand not to go home with the contributor. I don't know if he's trying to reform Laurie or if he's trying to lock her up in a gilded cage until he can figure out a way to fix whatever he perceives as being wrong with her. 

Damn… 

I want to talk to someone about this but I can't. No one can get wind of this or it could be a huge thing. 

We've got enough huge things going on right now. To name but a few and really this list is in no particular order: 

Cubans trying to get to the US shores looking for a better life than Castro is giving them in vessels that aren't more than a floating trash bag. 

My issues with Mary Marsh and the Christian Right. Which when you think about it, is neither Christian nor right in the way they perform, preach and persecute anyone who doesn't fall in line with   
their vision of morality. 

The teamsters are striking and Leo's put them in a room. 

Mandy is going to be working for us again. Yeah that should make for good dinner theater. 

An FBI Hostage Negotiator has been shot and is in critical condition. 

If the powers that be from the great unknown were looking to make things worse, there is a hurricane that shifted course and is headed right for where we evacuated our carriers. 

And to really cap things off, Lillienfield knows that Leo was popping pills and washing them down with scotch when he was Secretary of Labor. 

God how I need to talk to someone. 

****************************

Donna POV 

I stand outside his door and I know, without a shadow of a doubt I should not be here. Something just tells me he needs someone to smile at him and make him forget the world he is trying to exist in. 

Now granted I can't make him forget in some ways that would also make me forget I'm still a reporter, but for now I'll do what I can. 

I knock, quietly, in case he is sleeping. I hear a glass clink down onto a table, the ice making a rattling noise from a distance. The slow, soft sound of footsteps tells me Josh is both up and drinking. 

The door opens and I see Josh quickly compose himself when he sees me standing outside his door. His voice is rough, laced with conflicting emotions and it tells me just how far at the end of his rope he truly is. 

"Donna, you shouldn't be here." 

********************************** 

Josh POV 

Please, not tonight, any night but tonight. I know I just said I need to talk to someone and that was quickly followed by the knock on the door but please don't make me have to hide this from her or turn her away. I can't handle that tonight. So I tell her, 

"Donna, you shouldn't be here." 

"I know, but I know you too and I know you need to talk to someone right now. I can be that person for you Josh. I'm not here as a reporter Josh, I'm here as me, Donna Moss. Nothing will go any further than me. You have my word." 

Her word. Ironic that she used that phrase. 

It is her words that, if she knows what is mashing about in my head, could single handedly work towards bringing down this administration. 

I step aside and motion for her to enter. Leaving her outside is both unwise and rude given she's a member of the White House Press Corps and given how I was raised by my good Jewish mother. 

Once she is inside my place and the door is locked, I lean back against the door and watch as she takes off her coat. She looks beautiful but what I'm focused on is her eyes. 

I want to see something that tells me she's not going to betray me. Something that speaks to me without uttering a word to let me know she won't let me down by handing over confidential information. 

Basically I need to know if I'm dealing with Donna Moss my friend and woman I care about so deeply it hurts or if I'm dealing with Donna Moss, member of the White House Press Corps and ace reporter who will do what she needs to do to get ahead and get the story above the fold. 

Because when you think about it, I'd be the perfect person to get the story from. 

**********************************

Donna POV 

He's trying to figure out if he can trust me tonight. It's the same way every time we're in situations like this. I need him to know he can trust me the way I need him to and more importantly the way I want him to be able to. 

So I let him look at me, I look him in the eyes and hope he can see my soul laid bare for his judgment. After a minute or so, I can't physically stand there and watch him decide if I'm trustworthy. I want us to move past this, at least for tonight, when I know he needs me so much. 

I walk over to him and I wrap my arms around him, molding myself to him in an intimate embrace. He is rigid in my arms until finally his resolve crumbles and he bands his arms around me, drops his head to   
my shoulder and whispers, 

*******************************

Josh POV 

"How did you know I needed you?" 

How did she know? I need to know what the tip off was, because if she knew other people might have as well and I can't be that obvious. 

"I keep telling you Joshua, I'm tuned to you." 

I can't help but smile at that. Donna truly is tuned to me. I stand up straight and see her soft smile and my heart feels lighter yet tighter at the same time. The tightness worries me. How simply this woman could ruin everything and how quickly I've fallen for her only serves to frighten me. 

"Tell me what's wrong Joshua." 

"Where do I start?" 

"Anywhere you want to and we'll work our way around from there. But first, come and sit with me." 

Donna kicks her heels off as she takes my hand to lead me to the couch and she is now ever so slightly shorter than me. I like how that feels. I like how it feels to be taller, stronger and more protective of her. 

I'd never tell her that because she'd kick my ass. We sit on the couch and she leans back against me. I wrap my arms around her, giving up the fight and the pretense that we can sit at opposite ends of the couch and just chat. Donna and I are deeper than that. 

******************************

Donna POV 

So I took over the evening. I took over the direction of the evening I should say. Once Josh and I are sitting on the couch, me leaning against him with his arms around me, slowly he begins to tell me things. 

"Sam accidentally slept with a prostitute. Call girl actually and what could be considered a high priced one. She's a law school student by day. He wants to see her as a friend. But really he wants to reform her." 

Josh pauses until I look up at him and then he continues, 

"She was at the State Dinner as the date of this contributor who gave a boatload of money. Sam offered her ten grand not to go home with the contributor. " 

I'm taken aback for a moment but I quickly find my footing, 

"He wants to protect her Josh. He wants to know she's not sleeping with random men for rent money. On one level it's admirable, though he could find a less disrespectful way of going about it all. Offering her cash, I can't imagine hearing those words from a man's   
mouth. She probably felt terrible, which Sam didn't fully understand because he was so blinded by his need to do what he felt was noble." 

*********************************

Josh POV 

"I think he really could fall for her Donna. I think he wants to believe that he can fix her and then he can fall for her. I'd be surprised if he hasn't fallen for her already. I love Sam; I love him like a brother Donna. But Sam and only Sam could accidentally sleep   
with a call girl." 

It's almost funny; it would be funny if it weren't for the fact that it's my best friend and a senior adviser to the President of the United States. 

I take a deep breath before continuing, 

"Do you know the name Lillienfield? " 

I watch as she thinks for a second and says, 

"He and Claypool play dirty politics to try to bring down elected officials right?" 

Man she is good. 

"Yes, well Lillienfield has information about Leo. Highly damaging information about Leo, his personal life and his addiction." 

********************************

Donna POV 

I'm failing to see why this has Josh upset. The entire beltway knows Leo is an alcoholic. What I see clearly is Josh's devastation at something greater than the general knowledge that Leo is an alcoholic. 

"Josh, Leo's alcoholism is the absolute worst kept secret in the beltway. You have to know that." 

Suddenly and without warning he jumps up which causes me to almost topple to the floor. He realizes what he's done a bit late but has the decency to look sheepishly at me before he continues, 

"Don't you get it Donna? It wasn't just about the booze." 

I watch him and the pieces fall into place. Leo's issues go deeper than just the liquor and while it's going to hit the administration hard it's going to hit Josh even harder on a personal level. 

****************************

Josh POV 

How can I tell her? How can I trust her with the words I desperately don't want to say? 

I watch her watching me and I know she suspects something deeper. I realize this is a key trust issue for us. Can I share with her what could bring down Leo, my mentor, the old friend my father entrusted   
my career to and the man whom I owe everything to? With a deep breath I continue, 

"Leo has other addictions besides the bottle Donna." 

**********************************

Donna POV 

"Alright, so what else has him hooked?" 

He stares at my blunt question. Let me remind him of something, 

"Josh not that I should have to tell you this, but it's all between us. My editor won't hear about this from me." 

After taking a deep breath he sits back beside me and without looking at me whispers, 

"He spent time in Sierra Tucson for an addiction to pills as well as alcohol." 

I watch him not fully grasping it. Ok so there were pills in addition to alcohol, that's not a far stretch. Once an addict always an addict, no matter what the addiction. I must give Josh a strange look because he stands again, meets my gaze and says to me, 

"Six years ago Leo McGarry was in Sierra Tucson for the treatment of alcohol and pills." 

I'm missing something. With pure anguish in his voice he repeats part of his statement, 

"Six years ago." 

Mentally I count backwards, 

"Josh! Leo was Secretary of Labor six years go. Leo was popping pills while heading up the Labor Department?" 

*********************************

Josh POV 

Donna is, without a doubt, stunned silent. I'm not used to seeing her like this. I wish the reasons why she's so quiet weren't true. 

I wonder silently how Donna will use this information. I want to desperately believe that she won't take this back to her editor as she's told me she won't, but since Lillienfield is going to make everything public knowledge anyway, in the end, it probably doesn't   
matter. 

Sitting back down next to her, I wrap myself around her. I am emotionally spent. I need to take comfort from her physical presence. I can't lose myself in her but I need to take comfort from his untenable situation somehow. 

I've just handed Donna the means by which to not only obtain her Pulitzer, but to help start crushing the Bartlet administration and my political career. 

God I hope loving her is worth it. 

*******************************

Donna POV 

I can't believe he just told me this all. I understand completely the stress and the agony he's going through. I also understand why he was so worried about telling me. 

This could chip away at everything he's worked so hard for, everything he's dedicated himself to. 

Yes, it could very well bring me a multitude of awards, but at the end of the day, my relationship with Josh has to be worth more than awards on the shelves. 

At least that's what I've got to keep telling myself to get through situations like these. I gave Josh my word, and I'm keeping my word. 

I wouldn't feel right about passing this information on to anyone. It would feel like I was cheating on Josh if I did that. Not that there is anything remotely going on between us to be considered cheating   
on, but I'm sure you see my point of view. 

I know I'm walking away from a sure story, probable awards and critical accolades. 

God I hope loving him is worth it. 

TBC


	5. Off the Record

Donna's POV: 

I am ready to scream. I've tried to get past several different Secret Service Agents; even the ones that know me only give me a sad look and a shake of their heads. I need to get to Josh. There has to be a way, but I've been here for hours and I've had no luck so far. I'm cold and scared and the man I love is fighting for his life somewhere in this building that I can't enter. I keep searching for someone who can help me, but besides the other members of the press, all the faces I see are strangers. Still, I hover at the barricades waiting and watching for my chance. Then I hear it come from one of the agents. 

"Wilson, clear a path. Mrs. Lyman has arrived and she needs to get through." 

"Yes, sir." Wilson turns to the crowd. "Step to the side please, people. We need to clear a path. Please step to the side." 

The crowd magically parts for him as they will only do for someone packing a weapon, but I stay right where I am. This is the only chance I'll get. I spot her being escorted through the crowd by another agent and my heart breaks again. She looks tired, distraught, and ready to collapse. This woman has lived through the death of her young daughter, lost her husband to cancer, and now is facing the loss of her son under yet more tragic circumstances. 

I wait until she's within a few feet of me and then I make my move. 

"Mrs. Lyman? Mrs. Lyman! Sara! It's me, Donna." 

Her eyes look over at me like she can't place my name or face. 

"I met you when the campaign was in Connecticut, with Josh? And at the Inauguration?" I try to jog her memory while the agent keeps pushing her forward. I can see the moment it hits her. 

"Donna? Donna Moss?" 

"Yes, it's me. I'm trying desperately to get in; to be with Josh, but I can't get through." I move closer to her and I see the exact moment she notices the blood on my face and clothes. 

"Dear God, Donna! Were you hurt too?" She exclaims. 

I shake my head slowly and the tears start afresh. "I was with Josh while we waited for the ambulance. He was asking for me." Her eyes bug out at the visual evidence of her son's wound. 

"Come with me Donna." Mrs. Lyman instructs me. "We'll go see him together." 

"You can't take her through security, Mrs. Lyman." The agent corrects her. 

"I thought you said the President said I should be offered every consideration? " Mrs. Lyman shoots back. This woman wasn't married to a lawyer and mother of a lawyer/politician for nothing. 

"He did, Ma'am, but-" 

"She's a member of the White House Press corps; certainly she's had the appropriate background checks." 

"Well, yes ma'am, but tonight there's a different threshold and-" 

"Then if I want to bring my son's fiancé into the hospital with me for support, then that's what I'm going to do." She announces and pulls me toward her until we're arm in arm. The Agent has a hasty discussion with someone on his wrist unit then nods for us to go ahead. 

We walk, bold as you please, right into the hospital. After a brief security check where I am frisked, examined, and my credentials are verified, we get an escort into the waiting room. 

The reaction of the White House staff is hilarious to watch. I mean, I would fall on the floor laughing if I wasn't so tired and anxious. First they see Josh's mom and they have sympathy all over their faces as they rush to greet her, but then they see me and the room temperature drops about 20 degrees. 

"Sara!" Sam is the first to come to her and envelopes her in a hug. "He's in surgery. I'll get a doctor to give you the medical info." 

"Thank you Sam." Sara has known Sam for years and took a moment to hold tight to her son's best friend. "I can't believe this is happening." 

"Me either. None of us can." Sam agrees. "Here, sit down. Do you want some water or coffee?" 

"I want to see my son." Sara replies. 

"I'll see what I can do about that." Sam promises but just before he turns away, he looks over at me. "Do you need anything?" 

I shake my head wordlessly but try to smile in thanks for his acknowledging my existence; which is more than anyone else here has done. 

"Mrs. Lyman." C.J. goes next. "They're doing everything they can for him. He's getting the best care." 

"I know." Sara replies. "How is the President?" 

C.J. glances over at me before shifting her gaze back to Sara. "I'm really not at liberty to discuss that at present." 

"I don't understand." Sara looks puzzled. 

"She's afraid I'll get on my batphone and report whatever she tells you." I explain and give C.J. a dirty look. 

"Donna, please, this is- You shouldn't even be here." 

"Excuse me?" I stand up and I can feel my face flush in anger. Haven't we already had this discussion? 

"Only family and White House staff are supposed to be here." C.J. states and I can see the weariness on her face. 

"How can you-" I start to argue but Sara breaks in. 

"C.J….Did my son ask for Donna after he'd been shot?" 

"He…Yes, he did." She admits. 

"Then I think Donna very much belongs here, don't you?" Sara presses. 

"It's just that-" C.J. tries again. 

"Let me rephrase that." Sara's voice hardened. "As his mother, I get to decide who should be here for Josh. Josh asked for Donna. So you can either treat her respectfully or you can leave; and that goes for all of you." 

I see Mrs. Bartlet enter the room as Sara ends her dictum and I turn to face her. 

"Ma'am." I squeak out and Sara comes to her feet too. 

"Mrs. Bartlet." Sara sighs out some of the tension from her clash with C.J. Sam is standing right behind the First Lady with worried eyes. 

"Mrs. Lyman. You certainly got here fast." Mrs. Bartlet takes Sara's hands in her own. 

"He's the only family I have, Ma'am. How is Josh?" 

"I won't lie to you; it's very serious. He's in surgery now with the best cardiac team we have. They have him on bypass while they repair the damage from the bullet." 

"I want to see him. I need to see him." Sara tells the First Lady emphatically. 

"Of course. I'll take you to the surgical observation room. Is there anything else you need? Something to eat or drink?" 

"Just my son and Donna. I want Donna to stay with me." Sara replies dropping the First Lady's hand and taking mine. I see the First Lady look at me quizzically. I'm sure C.J. would love to jump in here but she doesn't want to get slapped down by Sara again. 

"Of course. Why don't you both come with me?" Dr. Bartlet leads the way to the observation room. "I want to warn you that it's going to look awful, Mrs. Lyman. Open heart surgery…it can be very disturbing to watch; even when you don't know the patient." 

"I understand." Sara responds even though her voice shakes. 

"I'm telling you this so you know there's no shame if seeing the surgery is too much for you." Dr. Bartlet waits a beat to be sure we both know what she's telling us. Then she begins to explain the nuts and bolts of the procedure and what we can expect in the next 24 hours. "He's in hour 6 of a surgery that can take anywhere between 12 to 14 hours. Once he's through that, he'll be moved into the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit." 

"Will I be able to be with him there?" Mrs. Lyman asks. 

"Yes, but only for short periods of time at first and only one visitor at a time." Dr. Bartlet warns. "Here we are." She says as she uses a key card to gain access to the observation room. "Have a seat and I'll bring in some coffee for you both." 

"Don't trouble yourself, Mrs. Bartlet." Sara tells her as she walks directly to the glass. I follow right behind her and see one of the most horrific sights of my life. The man I love is lying suspiciously still below and his heart is not beating. I let out a gasp of shock and nearly fall into the chair behind me. Sara puts both hands on the glass and begins to cry. 

"How can anyone recover from this?" she asks in a bewildered tone. "How can anyone live through this?" 

"It's very serious." Dr. Bartlet reiterates as she puts an arm around Josh's mother. "But I don't know of anyone who is as strong or stubborn as your son." 

"I'm sorry. I didn't even ask about the President. Josh will want to know about the President when he wakes up, won't he Donna?" 

"That will be the first thing he'll ask." I predict trying to picture Josh awake and talking to block out the vision below us. 

"Josh is devoted to the President." 

"The President is already awake and will make a full recovery in just a few days. I'll tell him you asked." The First Lady gives Sara's shoulder another squeeze. "I'll have someone bring in some coffee for you." She gives me one final appraising glance   
before she leaves us alone in the observation room. 

Sara's POV: 

I can't believe what I'm seeing. Dr. Bartlet was right; it's horrific. That's my baby down there and his heart isn't beating. I don't want to watch, but I can't turn away either; at least not until I hear the quiet sobs from the young woman sitting next to me. 

I don't know Donna well. In fact, I've only met her a couple times and spoken to her on the phone a few times more, but I know Joshua and Joshua is in love with Donna. I can hear it in his voice when he talks about her. There is an incredulousness there when he repeats a story where she told him he was wrong or debated something with him; it could be a big issue or a baseball stat but he delights in every moment of it. 

I knew when something changed in his life. It was right after the convention and it was subtle at first, but his voice sounded lighter and he was quicker to laugh than usual. He started mentioning this   
troublesome reporter; not that that was unusual, reporters are frequently the bane of my son's existence. But in this case it wasn't so much the stories he was annoyed by as it was the reporter herself…or so he told me. Yet he continued to meet with her for drinks, for meals, and even an occasional movie; during a Presidential election campaign! I thought he might be seriously ill. 

When I mentioned, ever so subtly, that he seemed to be enjoying these dates, he immediately corrected me and said he was just getting together with a colleague who happened to be a reporter who might want to write a book about the campaign. "That's all" he said, and he said it twice before asking me if I understood what he was saying to me. 

That's when I knew he was in love with her. And if I had had any doubts they were completely removed on Inauguration night when I saw them dance together. I started to think about Grandchildren that very night. Only here we are, over a year later, and my brilliant but ignorant son still hasn't asked this lovely woman to marry him. Now, I look back at the operating room and wonder if it's too late. 

"Donna?" I call her name and she tries to pull herself together. 

"I'm sorry. I just- We were arguing earlier…about my job….well, about my job and his job, but…it's doesn't matter; none of that matters….why did I think it mattered just a few hours ago?" she asks me. 

"The night of the fire." I begin and see Donna startle. "Josh told me he told you about the fire. That night, I just wanted some alone time with my husband. Noah had just finished a big case; I'd hardly seen him for weeks. Joanie was a sweet girl, but she could be very…what do they call it now? High maintenance, I believe. She demanded a lot of attention and she could be quite the drama Queen when it suited her. Josh was…well, Josh was just being Josh and I desperately wanted some time alone with my husband away from the children…." I turn to face Donna and meet her red rimmed eyes. 

"Joanie complained about having to watch Josh. She whined and moaned until I nearly gave in, but in the end I decided it was more important for Noah and me to have time alone together than to stay home with the   
children." 

"You didn't know. There's no way anyone could have known." Donna tries to defend my choice and I can see the empathy and compassion in her eyes. I smile sadly. 

"Afterwards, all I could think about was: what on earth could have been so important about having to go out that night without them?" Sara posed the question. "You didn't know it wasn't important before; the argument with Joshua. Now, you know better. You both know better. Don't agonize over it, Donnatella, learn from it." 

I see her blink at my use of her full name. I'm sure it can't sound as nice coming from my mouth as it does from my son's, but it connects us for a moment. 

Then the outside world intrudes in the form of Sam Seaborn. He's juggling a carafe of coffee, two mugs, and a set of surgical scrubs. He sets the items down on the end table beside me all the while studiously   
avoiding the view from the window. 

"Thank you Samuel, but I don't think I'm qualified to scrub up for surgery." I quip and see his lips twitch. 

"They're for Donna." He replies. "Dr. Bartlet thought she might want to change out of her stained clothing." 

"She's very thoughtful." I answer him. "Donna, honey, I think that's a very good idea. You'll feel better once you've changed and splashed some water on your face." 

She hesitates before taking the scrubs I hand to her, but then acquiesces and takes them into the restroom connected to the observation area. 

"Sam? Why was C.J. so upset about Donna being here?" I ask. 

"It's complicated, Sara. Donna works for the Times and-" 

"I know where she works. If Josh doesn't care, why does C.J.?" 

"Josh does care; he cares very much, that's why things keep stalling between him and Donna." Sam explained. "There's been a lot of tension between the press and the administration and C.J. is the public face of the administration. She's been, well we've all been very guarded around Donna because of her position." 

"That's ridiculous." I declare. "No one has more integrity than Joshua. And from what I know about Donna, her reputation is just as Sterling as his." 

"Look, I know it sounds absurd to outsiders, but we're under constant attack at the White House and it doesn't take long before everyone develops a kind of bunker mentality; we circle the wagons and keep everyone else out." 

"He's in love with her, you know." I tell him plainly and see a small smile on his face. 

"Yeah, I know." He admits to me before finally glancing down at his best friend and choking up. "Do you think he knows?" 

"If he doesn't he'll figure it out very, very soon." I predict and see Sam lower his gaze to the floor. 

"I hope so. I sincerely hope so, Sara." He mutters. 

"It's not enough to hope tonight, Sam. You have to believe. You have to have faith; pray and believe. Promise me." I lift his chin until we're practically nose to nose. 

"I promise." He says quietly and sincerely before I let go of his face. 

"One more thing, Sam." Since I'm on a roll here…"Be nice to Donna." 

"I'm always nice to Donna." He objects and I nod my agreement. 

"Let the others know how strongly I feel about this issue. Don't make me choose between Donna and the White House staff when it comes to Josh. They won't like the result." I threaten in my best litigator voice. I haven't spent years listening to Noah and Josh without learning a thing or two about intimidation. 

"I'll pass that along." Sam promises and gets up to leave just as Donna comes back in. "Hey, that looks better. At the very least, it looks more comfortable. Is there anything else I can get you?" 

"No thanks, Sam." She gives him a hug and over her shoulder he raises his eyebrows at me as if to say, "See? I'm always nice." It makes me smile because it reminds me of Josh. 

Then one of the surgical nurses appears to update us on the progress of the surgery and my smile doesn't return for hours. 

Jed's POV: 

I enter the observation room as quietly as possible in case one of the women inside has managed to fall asleep for a bit. When I get inside the dark room I see that I needn't have bothered. Sara Lyman and Donna Moss are awake although they look exhausted. It's hour 10 of Josh's surgery and Abbey tells me they'll attempt to take him off bypass soon. She informed me that going off bypass will tell the tale, but I disagree. I think these two women will tell the tale. 

Sara Lyman has lived through more tragedy than anyone should have to face. If it's possible for one person to will another to recover, Sara Lyman will accomplish it. Now Donna Moss is another matter. 

After several scathing articles about me and my team written by the aforementioned Moss, I took it upon myself to do a little research on D. Moss. Which is to say I staffed it out to Leo, who I am sure, staffed it out to Margaret. Nonetheless I came into possession of some pertinent facts about Ms. Moss. She is the youngest in her Wisconsin family and put herself through college; it wasn't Notre Dame but it was still a good school. She has held a job since she turned 15 and interned for several newspapers. This is a hard working, driven young woman. But the funny part, at least to me, is that she's a Yankee fan. 

Oh wait, you need to know something else first, Josh is a Mets fan; a raving Mets fan. No, wait, I forgot something else you need to know…Josh is smitten with Ms. Moss. While it's true that I may not always be the most observant guy when it comes to personal   
relationships, I noticed something on Election night. 

Once we were declared the winners, Josh exchanged hugs with the staff and then pulled out his cell phone. He retreated a bit from the group and engaged in a private conversation. His hands were doing their usual gesticulating and he was doing the bouncing thing he does when he's revved about something. When he got off the phone he was beaming. I asked if he'd been talking to his mother, but he just smiled and said, `No, a reporter'. Josh is famous for his dislike of the fourth estate so I assumed he was just giving me grief…until the night of the Inauguration. 

In all fairness, Abbey was the one who pointed it out to me first. She noted that Josh must be drunk or in love because in a room full of important politicians, he only had eyes for the woman he was dancing with. That struck me as peculiar as well, so I took another look. The woman was a beauty; elegant and graceful. When Josh moved her around the dance floor closer to me, that's when I recognized who he was dancing with: Donna Moss…the Yankee fan! 

I've seen and heard bits of things since then, but for the most part I try not to get embroiled in the love lives of my staff. I try really hard; exceptionally hard even, except when I can use the information   
against my staff for a little harmless fun. So occasionally, I'll mention how off base a certain article or editorial by D. Moss is, and watch Josh squirm. Then once he's firmly hooked, I bring up the Yankees. He leaves sputtering every time. 

Now, I jut hope I have the chance to see that again. 

"Mrs. Lyman?" I call softly and she looks up at me. Donna Moss turns away from the observation window she's standing next to. 

"Mr. President." Donna greets me softly her rough voice a testament to her very long night. She looks a little leery so I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile. Sara Lyman stands up next to Donna and nods at me. 

"Please, sit down. You must be exhausted." I tell them both, but Donna remains standing. 

"Would you like me to leave, Mr. President?" she offers as I sit next to Sara Lyman. 

"Why would I want you to leave?" 

"Sir, there seems to be concern from your staff-" 

"Donna, correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the last thing on your mind right now, I mean the VERY last thing, would be filing a story about this. Am I correct?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Then ignore my overzealous staff and sit with us. Abbey said they'll be taking him off bypass shortly and I don't want to miss the chance to see his heart beating on its own. Do you?" 

"No, sir." She replied wearily and nearly fell onto the chair in relief. I think the girl honestly thought I'd roust her out of the room. 

"How are you Mr. President?" Sara asks me. 

"I'm getting some pretty good drugs right now, so my min concern is that you're going to hate me for putting your son in the line of fire." I reply. 

"This was hardly your doing, sir. Though truth be told, I'd be thrilled if he would leave the White House and work in a boring law office somewhere." She pauses, "I think we all know how likely that is. I just want to hear his voice and see his eyes, right now." 

"You will. I know you will." I promise and pray that it's the truth. "If it helps at all, the two men who shot at us were killed by the Secret Service and the third conspirator is now in custody." 

"The only thing that would really help is to have Josh wake up." Sara tells me. 

"Then take a look down there. We're about to get one step closer to that right now." I indicate the ongoing surgery and we can hear the preparations being made for taking Josh off bypass through the speaker. 

"Dear God, please…." Donna's heartfelt prayer touches me very deeply. 

They turn off the bypass and it takes a few seconds but Josh's heart begins to beat. It's a little erratic at first, and it doesn't seem to be going as strong as it should, but it's beating and as more minutes go by the heartbeat grows stronger and steadier. 

Donna and Sara are laughing through tears and exchange an exuberant hug. 

"One step at a time, Josh. One step at a time…" I tell him. "I promised my wife I'd only stay a few minutes so I'd better go now. If there's anything at all you need or want you have only to ask. I have faith Josh will pull through this. He's a very strong man; a character trait he comes by honestly, I'm sure." I squeeze Sara's hand and head out the door. 

"Thank you Mr. President." Sara replies. 

"Oh, and Donna?" I call over to her. 

"Yes, sir?" 

"Don't mistake this tête-à-tête for forgiveness for that op/ed you wrote about Imperial Presidencies. We shall be discussing that in detail, I assure you, when the circumstances are more conducive to a tongue lashing." 

"Yes, sir." She replies with her tongue in her cheek. I like this young woman. Yes, I like her very much. I'm just not sure I like her at my press conferences… 

TBC


	6. Off the Record

March 1999 

~DONNA’S POV~ 

I’m standing here in the Mural Room with the rest of press corps. I hate when there’s stuff in this room. It’s so small, and it heats up quick. Of course, that heat could just be because Josh is on the other side of the room. He’s standing next to Sam and Toby. But the President has just signed a bill for $700,000,000 for education. So, you kinda have to be there for stuff like that. 

The President was supposed to speak briefly. Yeah, right. In his life, I don’t think he’s ever spoken briefly. That’s okay though. Because one, I really like President Bartlet. He’s always so nice to me and he’s so articulate and smart. I really love getting to cover him. 

The other reason I don’t really mind is because the more Josh is in my sight in this building, the more confirmation I get that Mandy Hampton isn’t getting her bitchy hooks into him. I know she’s chasing him again. He says he’s not interested in her, but if we can’t be together, sooner or later he’s going to get tired of the perpetual limbo we’re in. 

Sam told me before that CJ had a dentist appointment that nobody would let her bail on. The fun thing about CJ not being here, her spin boys have to handle us. 

They can’t handle us. 

The President opens the floor for questions and Danny’s all over Secretary O’Leary. 

“Mr. President, do you agree with Secretary O’Leary that Congressman Wooden is a racist, and if not, do you plan on asking for her resignation?” 

God, I wish I had a camera! Josh, Sam, and Toby’s faces just took on a look of dread. I’m assuming that they thought our questions would be about education. Nah, we can read. We can write about the bill without asking too many questions about it. THIS is WAY better. 

“Let me say that I have great confidence in Deborah O’Leary. She’s done a terrific job at HUD, helping thousands of people make the very difficult transition from joblessness and homelessness to more fulfilling and productive lives.” the President says with a friendly smile. 

What the hell was that shit? He didn’t answer the question. 

“I’m sorry, Mr. President. You didn’t answer the question.” Danny says. 

“I was hoping you didn’t notice that.” the President smiles a little uncomfortably. 

“I did, sir.” 

Josh meets my eyes and they look at me pointedly. I know what he’s doing. He’s sending me a distress signal. He wants me to jump in and divert the questioning to education. I’d help him out because I love him, but I’m really not all that inclined to at the moment. 

“Then I will tell you that I agree the Republican Party does not have a comprehensive program for combating poverty in this country.” the President says. Okay. Now, we’re getting somewhere. “That being said,” What the hell? “There are countless Republicans who are working very hard to change their party’s legacy on some of these issues. And I hope to be working with them to do just that.” 

Josh actually rolls his eyes and Toby looks around. I think he just noticed that CJ isn’t around. 

“I’m sure that was the answer to some question, Mr. President. It just wasn’t the answer to mine.” 

I can’t tell if Josh is looking for a hole in the floor to swallow them up or deciding whether or not to yell that the building’s on fire. 

“Frankly, I think she went a little too far in assigning motive to Congressman Wooden and the Republican Party.” the President finally fesses up. 

“Will you be speaking to her?” I jump in. This is where Josh gives me the ‘Judas’ look. 

“She’ll be meeting with Leo McGarry.” the President answers. 

“Will he ask her to apologize?” I ask again. 

“An apology’d be appropriate.” the President replies. 

“Sam!” Josh coughs in his hand, like we’re not going to notice that. 

“Folks, all this is going to be covered in the two o’clock briefing.” Sam says stepping forward. Yeah, I’ll just bet it is. “The President’s late for lunch with the U.N. Ambassador. I’m sorry.” 

Josh makes a beeline for me, gently taking my elbow and leads me out of the Mural Room. 

“But for the fact that the UN Ambassador is in Portugual.” I smile sweetly at him. 

“You didn’t pick up on my signal.” he says through clenched teeth. 

“Oh, I did.” I assure. “I just wasn’t inclined to bail you out today.” 

“You usually do.” 

“And everyone knows it.” I reply. “So, your day just completely changed, huh?” 

“Now, thanks to you and Danny, it’s going to be consumed by this.” he says. 

“Just doing my job.” 

“A job I hate.” 

“You don’t hate reporters. You need reporters.” I shoot back. 

“I hate YOU being a reporter.” 

“Don’t start.” I warn. 

“Well, that’s not true. I like that you’re a journalist, you’re good at it. I just hate that you do it here.” 

“Not when you need someone to bail you out, you don’t.” 

“Fat lot of good it did me today.” 

“Josh, when something is going on around here, you avoid me like the plague.” I say. “I can’t even get a friendly hello smile out of you.” 

He tugs me into his office and closes the door, immediately pushing CJ’s adjoining door closed. Sometimes I wonder if CJ picked that office on purpose. Just so she can keep an eye on me and Josh. “I don’t think they always trust me around here, Donna.” 

“You’re the Deputy Chief of Staff, of course they trust you.” I reply. 

“No. Sometimes...” he trails off. “I don’t know. When there’s a lid on and we’re waiting to release stuff, they all look at me funny.” 

“Josh, you have never given me a tip.” 

“I know.” 

“Do you want me to tell them that?” 

“No!” he says quickly. “No, that might be worse. I just wish...” 

“My job is important to me, too.” I say. “You’re not the only one that’s always wanted to work here.” 

He looks down at the floor in between us before looking back up at me. It’s a smoldering gaze, too. I can feel myself getting sucked in by him. I’ve never met anyone like him. I’ve never met anyone so intense like he is. I think we’re about to have one of our moments of weakness. God, I hope so! It’s been too long since the last time we kissed. And I’ve really missed it. I’ve missed the heat of him as he grabs hold of me and the way his lips are always so demanding on mine. 

If I were to get hit by a truck and die today, he would be my great regret in life. I regret that I can’t bring myself to change jobs so I can be with him. I know we’d be really happy. But I’ve done that before and I got burned. What if Josh did that to me? What if I did all the changing and he never met me half way? I don’t think I’m strong enough for that kind of heartbreak. 

Just as I think it’s about to happen, CJ’s door opens and Josh and I jump apart. Very far apart. She looks at us skeptically. 

Of course. 

I know he’s right about being afraid they don’t trust him. But CJ has to know she’s in the same boat, right? She’s the press secretary, and anyone with eyes in their head can see what she and Danny feel. And Danny actually DOES get the leaks and the leads and the exclusives. 

“Yosh.” she says, but it’s very muffled. 

“Yeah?” he asks. Oh shit. She had a dentist appointment. She can’t talk. 

“Yosh?” she says again. 

“What the hell happened to you?” he demands. 

“I had woot canaw.” 

“Why are you talking like that?” 

“I had woot canaw.” 

“Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.” he smirks and I stifle a laugh, earning a smile from Josh and death glare from CJ. 

“I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.” CJ threatens. 

“Are you in pain?” he asks. 

“I HAD WOOT CANAW!” 

“You’re going to need to stop saying that.” he says. “Because you just look and sound so ridiculous.” 

“Josh.” I say indulgently, coming down on CJ’s side for a few moments. 

“I have to cancew da bweefing.” 

“You can’t cancel the briefing.” He laughs at the very thought. One would think that after the O’Leary thing of a little while ago, he’d be happy about this new development. 

“Wook at me.” 

“You’ll be great.” he says with mock enthusiasm. 

“I can’t do da bweefing.” 

“Why not?” 

“I can’t even say bweefing.” 

“She has a point.” I say. 

“Fank you.” CJ says to me. 

“You can’t cancel the briefing, CJ.” Josh says again. “You’ve got to wrap up O’Leary and get everyone back to the bill signing. Donna, you didn’t hear that.” 

“Like I couldn’t figure out that’s your strategy?” I reply. I just got the Judas look again. 

“Yoshua!” 

“I’m sorry.” Josh says turning back to CJ. “Did you just say my name?” 

“You weally think I can do it?” 

“Don’t be insane, CJ.” he finally relents. “You can’t do a press briefing looking like Bullwinkle.” 

“Oh, so wonce again, you’we having a wittle fun!” 

“Of course.” 

“You’we wery funwe.” 

I laugh again. I can’t help it. She just sounds so hysterical. That earns me more death glare. I don’t particularly care. It’s not like she was going to be doing me any favors any time soon anyway. 

“I’w hawe Cawa canew da bweefing.” she says. 

“No, we’re still doing it.” he says. 

“Who?” she asks. 

“Me.” he says. 

“No way!” she yelps. 

“Josh, don’t be an idiot.” I say immediately. Josh doing a press briefing? Did I miss him suffer a head trauma recently? Well, we did almost kiss again. That usually spaces him out a bit. 

“C.J.” 

“You get howstiwe.” 

“I don’t get hostile.” he laughs. 

“You do, Josh.” 

“I don’t get randomly hostile.” he defends. “I get hostile when hostility is called for.” 

“Wet Sam do wit.” CJ says. 

“Sam went to Foggy Bottom.” Josh says. 

“What’s he doing in Fwoggwe Bowtew?” CJ frowns. 

“Nothing.” Josh laughs. “I just wanted to see if I could get you to say Foggy Bottom. Sam’s working with the speechwriters.” 

“What about Toby?” I ask. 

“Wes!” CJ agrees. 

“Toby’s with Leo and the President.” Josh says. 

“Yosh...” CJ groans. 

“Hey there, cats and kittens. This is Josh Lyman coming at you with your two o’clock briefing.” he says grabbing some files and heading out of his office. 

“Josh!” I say forcefully. “This is the worst idea you’ve ever had!” 

“Wisten to Donwa.” CJ says. 

“You’re always telling me not to listen to Donna.” Josh shoots back and CJ, I’m happy to say, looks mortified. “Now, you’re saying it’s okay? Don’t you think you shouldn’t be playing with people’s heads like that? Surely, you of all people know how hard it is.” 

He chooses now to start pleading our case? We’re about to go into what is definitely going to turn into a story for ages here, and he’s choosing now to give CJ shit about us? 

“Twe vewy vewy hard not to destwoy us.” she warns, choosing to ignore his earlier remark. He winks at us and disappears into the press room. 

“Well,” I smile at CJ like the Cheshire Cat. “I don’t want to miss this.” She gives me a pleading look. It’s the same one Josh gave me earlier in the Mural Room. I’m definitely not helping her out. It’s too bad. I like CJ. I think we’d be great friends if she got her head out of her ass. 

As soon as I’m through the door, I almost slam into Josh, who’s been stopped by Danny. 

“You’re not going to do this.” Danny says to Josh. 

“Do the briefing?” Josh innocently asks Danny. 

“You’re not going to do this.” Danny firmly repeats. 

“Danny, I talk to reporters all the time.” 

“You really don’t want to do this.” he urges. “Tell him, Donna.” 

“Listen, let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I’m not your girlfriend...” he stresses this word and Danny shoots a look at me. “I’m not your camp counselor, and I’m not your sixth grade teacher you had a crush on. I’m a graduate of Harvard and Yale, and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to the meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps.” 

“Okey-dokey.” Danny sings. Josh walks to the podium and Danny looks at me. 

“Show no mercy.” I say and he smiles. I must admit, I feel a little bad. But he’s not going to sing about not being fair and then talk to us like we’re two here. The almost kiss in his office is long forgotten now as Danny and I take our seats. 

“Good afternoon,” he greets. “CJ’s had a dental emergency, so I’ll be handling the briefing.” I see my colleagues exchange glances, a few looks come mine and Danny’s way, but we just shrug. I’m not even sure I want to write about anything that’s going to happen now. I just want a good seat for the show. I wish I thought to bring some popcorn. “I’m going to take one question a piece.” he tries to make that sound authoritative, but really, I think it’s because he’s afraid of getting confused if he takes more than one at a time. 

In his defense, he dispatches with the Deborah O’Leary bit with poise. But it’s not long before the wheels predictably come off the wagon. 

“Mike.” Josh says. 

“When was the last time the President had a cigarette?” Mike asks. 

“Mike, do you really want your one question to be that stupid?” Josh replies. 

Oh. Shit. Well, they can’t say we didn’t warn him. 

“It’s not a stupid question, Josh.” I say sweetly. There’s that Judas look again. “If the President is going to continue to be so adamantly anti-tobacco, why is it so stupid to ask if he’s a smoker?” 

“The President quit smoking years ago.” Josh says. 

“He bummed a cigarette from me on Air Force One two days ago.” I say. 

“Since when do you smoke?” he shoots back. 

“Oh shit.” Danny mumbles. 

Josh immediately realizes his complete tactical error there and moves on to Jonathan. 

“So, you’re not going to answer Donna’s question?” Jonathan asks. 

“I’ll look into it.” he says. Yeah, we’re never going to hear about that one again. “Danny?” Danny throws him a softball. 

“Josh, your comments were that the continuing drop in unemployment will create increased pressure on wages. In effect, driving them up. Is the President worried that this could lead to a resurgence in inflation?” Danny asks. 

“He didn’t deserve that.” I mumble to Danny, who merely shrugs. 

“Let me emphasize the President is pleased that unemployment has dropped another point five percent as a result of...” 

“I’m sure we all join the President in his joy, but I’m wondering if the President has a plan to fight the resulting inflation.” Danny interrupts. That softball just hit the dirt. 

“The President will do everything in his power to maintain the robust economy that has created millions of new jobs, improved productivity and kept a lid on inflation.” Josh says. He seems very pleased with himself. He should be. That was some nice spin he did there. 

If only it was meant to be... 

“But he has no plan to address inflation specifically?” I ask with my best smile, which admittedly throws him a bit. 

“Twenty-four PhD’s on the counsel of economy advisors, Donna. They have a plan to fight inflation.” Okay. Maybe the smile didn’t rattle him that much. 

“Is the reason you won’t tell us about it because it’s a secret?” Danny smiles. I can tell, because I’m sitting right next to him, that he’s about to crack up. 

“Yeah, Danny.” Josh says sarcastically. “We have a secret plan to fight inflation.” 

“Josh, when will the President unveil his secret plan?” I ask with all the professional voice I can muster. Danny and I are just being obnoxious for the cameras at this point. I mean, Josh TOTALLY deserved this. 

“There is no secret!” he says. 

“You said...” 

“I was talking to Danny! I was kidding!” he yelps. 

“These are people’s jobs we’re talking about.” Steve says. “You want to give us a straight answer?” 

“I honestly can’t remember the question.” Josh says. He’s looking for that hole to swallow him up, I think. 

“Given the reduction in unemployment, does the President have a plan to fight the ensuing inflation?” Kris asks. 

“And if so, why is he keeping it a secret?” Jonathan asks. 

Josh looks truly mortified and he looks over at us. Damn, he’s pissed. Well, my friend, that’s what you get. Don’t give me shit about my job and then treat us like we’re play dough and you can mold us to be whatever the hell you want. I love you, Joshua, but you and CJ can’t play with us like that. 

He disappears out the door and Danny and I look at each other. “Who’s going to be headless first?” Danny asks. 

“You probably.” I reply as my pager goes off and I look at the number scrolling across. “I plan on avoiding him for a while.” 

“Oh, I think he’s going to hunt you down.” 

***********************************

~JOSH’S POV~ 

“So, you’ve had quite a day, huh?” 

I hear her voice from my doorway, and I’m not inclined to look up. Mostly because I know she’ll look beautiful, and she’s trying to be my friend right now, after she showed her teeth and snapped at me in the press room. And I really want her to be my friend right now. 

Scratch that. 

I really want her to be the woman in my life right now. I’ve had a day that just won’t end and is pretty much the worst it can be. And I just want to lose myself in her, and if I do, I’ll also lose my job. 

If I look up at her right now... 

“I’m not talking to you.” I shoot back, standing behind my desk and moving files around. “And you’re not supposed to be back here right now.” 

“So you’re not going to tell me whether or not Toby and Sam sprung Judge Mendoza from jail?” she asks. 

I’m astounded. “How the HELL do you know that?” 

“You’ve asked me that question before. Have you ever gotten an answer?” 

“No, Donna, I’m not going to tell you.” I say tensely. That took a certain amount of gall. After that press briefing this afternoon, she comes back looking for a quote? 

“I was asking for me.” she says softly. “I’m just saying that I know you’ve had a really rough day, and I know I didn’t make it any better.” 

“You can say that again.” I say looking past her out towards the bullpen. This is all I need right now, someone to see her back here and jump to conclusions. 

“It’s one o’clock in the morning, Josh.” she says softly coming further into my office. “The bullpen is deserted and you’re the only senior staffer here now. Everyone else is gone.” 

“You’re Judas.” I say looking up at her. Dammit! I didn’t want to do that. I can see the regret on her face. She didn’t want it to go that way any more than I did. She tried and tried to get me to turn back and I didn’t. And then, I know, I made her and Danny feel like... I don’t know, but it wasn’t good. 

“You started it, Joshua.” she says. I love the way my full name rolls off her tongue like that. Any time anyone else says it, I feel like I’m being chastised for something, but it falls from her mouth like a caress. 

“How long are we going to do this for?” I ask her quietly. “How long are we going to play this game? We hurt each other professionally and then comfort each other personally? It’s insane, Donna.” 

“It’s all we have, Josh.” she says. Her eyes are shiny now. This conversation is going to be a little painful I think. 

“That’s not good enough for me anymore.” I say. And it’s not. Earlier today, I got a taste for what it’s like to truly be on opposite sides and I didn’t like it. 

“Well, if neither one of us are willing to give up our jobs, then we’re at an impasse, aren’t we?” she asks and the tears escape her eyes. 

“Since when do you smoke?” I ask again temporarily derailing that particular conversation. 

“Sometimes I do when I’m stressed out.” she says. “I hadn’t in years, and I haven’t since. It was just chance, really.” 

“What were you so stressed out about two weeks ago?” 

“You took Mandy to the state dinner.” she whispers. 

Well, nothing like sticking a knife right through my heart there. 

“She’s not the one that I wanted to take.” I whisper, looking back down at my desk. 

“She’s just the one you chose.” Donna says, and her voice catches at the end there. I snap my head back up. 

“No.” I say adamantly and I walk out from behind my desk. “I don’t choose her.” 

“But as long as you’re senior staff and I’m a White House reporter, you could never really choose me, right?” she cries. 

“I just don’t know how yet.” I say. And God help me, I wrap my arms around her. She clings to me and cries into my shoulder. I hold her as tightly as I possibly can and shut my eyes tight. 

I kiss her forehead softly and as I move my head, she moves hers. Her lips are right there. She’s right there and I’m too weak to deny it. I close the fraction of an inch between us and kiss her anyway. 

She explodes into me and I think this is the first thing that’s gone right all freaking day. She slides her hands up to the back of my neck and my fingers are gently touching her face. It’s a hungry kiss, and it’s a demanding kiss. Somewhere in my mind, I’m reminded that we’re still in the White House, early morning hours or not, and I turn us twice to close my door, locking it for good measure. Some modicum of oxygen is still getting through to my brain because I can remember that CJ has a couch in her office. So, still kissing her and breaking away just briefly to make sure we don’t trip over anything, I lead her over to CJ’s empty office. 

She drops down on the couch, lying back as I push CJ’s door shut and lock that, too. Then, before I can change my mind, I slide onto the couch above her. She takes my face in her hands and brings my lips back to hers. My hand runs up her side and she moans and drops her head back, inviting me to her neck. Her deliciously long neck. 

Don’t get all hot and bothered over there, I’ll be damned if I’m having sex in the White House. 

Not that I don’t want to right now. 

I will also be damned if I turn the woman of my dreams here into a cheap one night stand in a dark office at work. That’s not what she is to me. If we’re going to be together, I want to make love to her like she deserves, with candles and music and whispered words of love. 

Not with CJ’s freaky fish staring at us. 

But this is fair game, I’m saying. I break away from the kiss for a moment for air and catch her eye. 

“Donna?” I ask, giving her the chance to stop this. I mean, we’re only hurting ourselves at the moment, but it feels so right. 

“Don’t stop just yet, Josh.” she whispers. “Please.” 

It’s the ‘please’ that gets me. The way her mouth and eyes plead for me to have this moment with her. 

“You’re just sucking me in further and further.” I say softly, running my thumb across her lips. “Will you burn me later, Donna? If I give up everything I ever wanted professionally for what I want most in the world...” 

“Sshh...” she says, pressing a finger to my lips. “Don’t, Josh. Tonight let’s just do this.” 

I can hardly refuse that. 

TBC


	7. Off the Record

Donna POV 

The hum and beeping of the machines is going to drive me completely insane. 

"Joshua you have to wake up." 

Yeah he's the strong silent type right now. I've not gotten a response to that statement any of the times I've made it. 

I lean forward and hold Josh's hand between my two and gently press my lips to his knuckles. I'm terrified to touch him. I'm terrified to disturb any of the wires and tubes that are stretching from places on his body I can't even imagine to the machines that are, for all intents and purposes, keeping him alive. 

It is in these moments that I wonder why we fought at the Newseum. Everything seems so trivial. I'm told hindsight is twenty-twenty but I don't think I ever truly believed it until now. I look at his hands, well only the one I'm holding in my own and see the wear on them. Maybe not so much from physical labor, but hours of typing and writing, I envision a divot in his hand from his innumerable minutes holding the phone. I imagine a spot that's a bit warn from where he'd bang his hand on a desk or table while making some important point. 

Gently I stroke his hand, trailing my fingers ever so softly from his wrist to his elbow. 

Huh… 

That's new… 

He's actually getting chill bumps when I do that. I wonder if he's going to come back to us. Oh please Joshua come back to us. I silently pray to Saint Jude and wonder if that is the right Saint. Unfortunately my religious background isn't that strong and what little there is, I can't recall. 

But Saint Jude's prayer, said for desperate cases seems fitting. I'm desperate for Josh to wake up and look at me with those soulful brown eyes that say so much even when his words can't. I begin again in a whisper, 

"St. Jude, glorious apostle, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor has caused you to be forgotten by many, but the true Church invokes you universally as the Patron of things   
despaired of. Pray for me, who is so miserable; pray for me, that I may finally receive the consolations and the succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly that Joshua will wake up, and that I may bless God with the Elect Throughout Eternity." 

I heard the door open halfway through and imagine it's just a nurse coming in. I feel a hand resting on my shoulder so I turn to see who needs me. Immediately I stand, still holding Josh's hand in one of mine before I say, 

"Mr. President? I'm sorry sir. I didn't realize when the door opened…" 

"It's alright Donna. I didn't want to interrupt your prayer. Are you a religious woman?" 

"Not so much Sir. But it seemed appropriate. " 

I'm barely able to control my voice never mind the tears threatening to roll down my face. Unbelievably the President takes my free hand and speaks softly, 

"Definitely appropriate. I had planned on being a priest you know. Then I met Abby and blew that to hell didn't I?" 

I smile and reply, 

"She's a wonderful woman Mr. President." 

He nods at me and then continues, 

"Saint Jude?" 

"It feels like a desperate case sir." 

"Joshua is going to be fine, but I think we're all a bit desperate for him to awaken, am I correct?" 

I can only nod. I am stunned when he asks, 

"May I pray with you Donnatella?" 

Again I nod and offer, 

"Of course sir." 

"From the beginning Donna." 

Softly our voices join together, 

"St. Jude, glorious apostle, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, the name of the traitor has caused you to be forgotten by many, but the true Church invokes you universally as the Patron of things   
despaired of. Pray for me, who is so miserable; pray for me, that I may finally receive the consolations and the succor of Heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly that Joshua will return to us, and that I may bless God with the Elect Throughout Eternity." 

I stop, not remembering the rest of the prayer. In a clear voice, President Bartlet continues, 

"May the Sacred Heart of Jesus be Adored, Glorified, Loved & Preserved throughout the world, now & forever. Sacred Heart of Jesus, please pray for me. Saint Jude, Worker of Miracles, please pray for me. Saint Jude, Helper of the Hopeless, please pray for me. Amen." 

"O most holy apostle, St. Jude, faithful servant and friend of Jesus, people honor and invoke you universally, as the patron of hopeless cases, of things almost despaired of. Pray for me, for I am so helpless and alone. Please help to bring me visible and speedy assistance. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in all my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings, particularly Joshua to be healed and   
returned to those who love him and that I may praise God with you always." 

"I promise, O blessed St. Jude, to be ever mindful of this great favor, to always honor you as my special and powerful patron, and to gratefully encourage devotion to you by publishing this request. Amen." 

"Holy Saint Jude, Apostle and Martyr, Great in virtue and rich in miracles, Near kinsman of Jesus Christ, Faithful intercessor of all Who invoke your special patronage in time of need. To you I have recourse from the depths of my heart And humbly beg to whom God has   
given such great power To come to my assistance. Help me in my present and urgent petition, In return I promise to make your name known And cause you to be invoked. Saint Jude pray for me and all those who invoke your aid. Amen." 

I am now quietly and uncontrollably crying. Quite paternally, the President turns me to face him and with a gentle touch, brings my head to his shoulder, stroking my hair and letting me cry on his shoulder. 

After a moment I realize this is the President and Josh would kill me for losing it. I stand up and gather my composure. As I'm doing so, I hear the President say, 

"I hate that my title causes me to be unable to comfort those in times of need. How is it that because I have this title of President, you feel you can't cry on my shoulder?" 

"Because Josh would be so disappointed in me sir. He'd rise up and lecture me for the lack of protocol, lack of respect and lack of composure that befits your position." 

With a wry smile the President says, 

"Well then Joshua can damn well rise up and attempt to scold you and I'll have my agents rightfully put him in his place." 

He leans past me and focuses on Josh and repeats his words, 

"Do you hear me Joshua Lyman; you can damn well open your eyes and rise up. Enough of this Josh, let's go. What's next?" 

The only response is the beep and hum of the machines on the far side of the bed. With a despondent look the President leans back and pats my forearm. It is in that moment I realize how much this has affected him. 

"I should get back to my room before Abby sends the entire 82nd Airborne to look for me. You are all in our prayers Donna. Take care of yourself please. And remember, the streets of heaven are too crowded with angels. He'll come back, he just needs a rest." 

"Thank you sir." 

I watch as the door slowly closes behind the Leader of the Free World. I turn my attention back to Josh and gently stroke his hair back, while holding his hand with my free hand. I lean over and press a kiss into his hairline as I feel the tears start again. 

I swear I've cried enough to water the Sahara. 

************************************

Josh POV 

Did I fall off of Sam's boat? Why is it so dark and murky? God it hurts to breath. I can't even move. Everything hurts and feels so heavy. 

What is that noise? 

Crying. Who is crying? 

It's too dark here. Oh wait, I know that voice. Let me listen, 

"Joshua, please, please wake up. I need you to come back to us. Now would be a really good time to wake up." 

Donna. 

Donna's crying. Why is Donna crying? Donna shouldn't be crying. 

Why is Donna asking me to wake up? I fell into the water. I just don't remember being on Sam's boat. 

I move my fingers, they don't seem to be that heavy, maybe someone will see me and pull me from this water… 

***********************************

Donna POV 

His fingers are moving! Josh's fingers are moving! 

Oh God please let this mean he's waking up! 

I'm going to talk to him. Gently I hold his hand, and lean my head near his, 

"Joshua, that's it, come on. Come back to us. It's time to wake up." 

Slowly I see his fingers and then his whole hand move in mine. Oh please let this be happening and I'm not dreaming. 

"Right Josh, that's right. Open your eyes, squeeze my hand, something, please Josh." 

The tears streaming down my face do not in anyway preclude me from coaxing this man who I love with such complete abandon back into consciousness. 

After a few more times of begging, Josh's eye lids flutter a bit and suddenly, I am staring into the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen. 

"Welcome back Josh. I've missed you." 

He looks at me confused. 

*********************************

Josh POV 

"Donna?" 

What the hell? My throat hurts like someone poured acid down it. I hold on to Donna's hand as tightly as I can, but it feels very weak to me. I try whispering, 

"Donna, when did I fall into the water?" 

She looks at me confused. Then asks, 

"Water? Josh you don't remember do you?" 

I slowly nod my head and feel something pulling in my neck. 

"Tell me" 

*****************************

Donna POV 

How the hell am I supposed to tell him he was shot and almost killed? 

"There was a shooting as we all left the Newseum the other night. Do you remember?" 

His gaze is vacant and blank so I continue, 

"As everyone was leaving some white supremacists starting shooting at Charlie. They ended up missing and shooting you among others." 

There is a look of sudden panic on his face. 

"You?" 

"I'm fine Josh." 

The panic subsides a bit then ramps up, 

"Presssiddd..." 

"The President is fine. He was shot but it was minor. You were the worst injured." 

"Good." 

"GOOD!?!!! It's not good Joshua. God you could have died, you could have been taken from me forever." 

I collapse into the chair I've spent entirely too many hours in and cradle my head in our joined hands as I cry loudly and without hesitation. 

I feel Josh squeezing my hand lightly and look up at him by raising my face ever so slightly. With his index finger he strokes my cheek. 

"Sorry. So sorry." 

His speech tells me he's operating on half time in his brain. 

"Don't be sorry Josh, just rest and get better. I'll be here." 

He furrows his brow and tries to continue in a whisper, 

"Risks, working for POTUS Donna. Know risks. Hope don't happen. Know risks." 

"I get it Josh, you knew the risks involved with working for the President and I know this is something you wouldn't give up for anything in the world. But dammit Josh, your mother had to be called and told her only surviving child was shot and in critical condition. Then she gets here and she has to get me access in here. I watched you get shot at the Newseum and had a security agent tell me that my badge didn't allow me to be near you while the paramedics were coming to help you. I didn't know if you were going to live or die and I couldn't get near you." 

********************************

Josh POV 

Everything is fuzzy. I feel like I'm floating and yet weighted down at the same time. I can't wrap my arms around Donna and get her to calm down and when I speak, what I think doesn't come out right. 

"sshhhh" 

I think that came out right. How hard is one sound? 

Well obviously since I've been shot it's hard but I think Donna gets it. 

I see her wipe her face a bit and smile a half smile. 

**********************************

Donna POV 

"The President was just here Josh, he prayed with me." 

"I'm Jewish." 

"Yes Josh you're Jewish but praying kind of crosses the lines when someone is in your condition." 

"Who'd you pray to?" 

"Saint Jude, patron Saint of desperate cases." 

Josh attempts a smirk. He doesn't succeed, but even his attempt makes me feel so much lighter. 

"Desperate cases?" 

"Well it was Saint Jude or Fishhooks McCarthy." 

I watch as Josh looks at me, completely confused. 

"Real person or Donna person?" 

"Real person. Fishhooks McCarthy was a corrupt politician on the Lower East Side of Manhattan in the 1920's. Every morning he stopped at St. James Church and said the same prayer, `O Lord give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest.'" 

"Health and strength?" 

"Health and strength, I prayed for you to wake up, come back to us and to be healthy and strong again." 

Josh watches me for a few long moments. I see in his eyes, all the things he wishes he could say, but can't for any number of reasons. His voice, his pain, his fading consciousness are just the tip of the iceberg, never mind that we're still trying to figure `us' out. His expression changes and I see his determination reappear. How I have missed his look of determination at all costs. 

"We'll steal the rest?" He asks in a gravely, exhausted whisper as he twines his fingers with mine. I know he's seeking confirmation that we'll get through this together. With a nod of my head, my hand   
gripping his and the ever present tears in my eyes I assure him, 

"You bet your ass we will…" 

TBC


	8. Off the Record

**Flashback** 

She picks up the phone on the first ring, making me think she'd been waiting for my call. At least that's how I choose to interpret it.I'd promised to call after the President's speech and true to my word, her phone rings within minutes of its conclusion. 

"Donna Moss." 

"Josh Lyman." 

"Quite a rousing speech the President gave there, Joshua. But tell me; was it your idea to pair it with the song, `Happy Days are Here Again'?" I tease. 

"I like to think my input is reserved for more important matters….Look, I was hoping we'd be able to get a drink after this, but I'm going to need a raincheck." 

"Yeah, I figured." Donna replies. 

"See, we're having a problem with- What? Just how did you figure that?" 

"You're going to be WAY too busy tracking down the 5 votes you lost on 802 to stop and have a drink with me." 

"What are you talking about?" I shout into the phone. 

"If you don't even KNOW that you've lost 5 votes yet, it's going to take even longer than I previously anticipated." Donna answers. 

"I know we lost 5 votes. How do YOU know we lost 5 votes? I just got the call." I demand. 

"Josh, you know better than to ask me to reveal a source." She admonishes me. 

"This isn't about the information. " I argue. "I already have the information. This is about how you got this information before I did." 

"Can't help you there." Donna replies. 

"Donna, the whip's office just called Leo, like 4 minutes ago." 

"Yeah, the whip's office doesn't seem to be run with the same efficiency it did when you were in charge of it." She agrees. 

In the middle of my huff of indignation my fan club calls out, "We love you Josh", to which C.J. replies, "It helps not to know him." I wave and say, "Thanks". 

"You really shouldn't be encouraging those young, misguided girls, Joshua." I hear from my earpiece. That makes me stop in my tracks. Donna's here? I turn in a slow circle searching the crowd like I'm a   
Secret Service agent. Finally I spot her and she waves while blinding me with her smile. So close, and yet so far away. 

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I accuse. 

"It was a last minute thing and I knew you were working." She explains. 

"I…I've got to go." I say feebly while I get in the car with Toby. 

"I know. Good luck…you might check in with an old college friend." She suggests. 

"What?" 

"Good night, Josh." She ends our conversation without another word. 

"Josh, we think we have two names." Toby tells me. "O'Bannon and Wick." 

"Wick? Chris Wick?" I repeat in disbelief. "No way, someone's got it wrong. I got him his seat! We went to school to-" I stop midsentence. What did Donna just say? Check in with an old college friend? 

I open my phone again and hit send. 

"I'm working." She answers. We have this deal that if either of us is busy we can just tell the other person we're working and hang up right away; no harm, no foul. 

"Wait, wait, wait!" I shout hurriedly and Toby gives me a strange look. "I need to ask you a question." 

"Make it quick." She replies and I can tell she's distracted already. 

"About…" Toby is watching me very carefully and I try to turn away for a little privacy, for all the good it does me. "About the thing we were discussing earlier?" 

"The drinks?" she asks me all puzzled. She must be really focused on what she's going to be writing. 

"NO! No, not the drinks, the other. thing." I hint strongly. 

"Oh, the 802 thing." 

"Yes! Yes, that thing. I need some additional information from you on that about who else I might…want to talk to besides an old college friend?" Please, Donna, please help me with this one. 

"Ummmm…no." 

"What?" I ask in shock. "Let me make it very clear that I'm not asking you where YOU GOT the information, I simply need the additional information I am sure you have already got in that brilliant head of yours." A little flattery couldn't hurt. 

"Huh?" Donna is clearly not paying any attention to me at all. 

"The names! I need the names and I only have 2…I think." I whisper harshly. 

"I can't help you with that and I'm very busy writing about it so I have to go." 

"You can't- seriously?!" I shout and Toby moves farther away from me in the car now. 

"Do you have any idea how carefully my work is scrutinized over here, Joshua?" She's speaking in this harsh whisper now. "I can't give you what I have and then have it appear in my story or worse yet have the   
story changed because of what I- I have to go." She hangs up. Shit. 

"I sincerely hope…that whoever just hung up on you isn't somebody whose vote we're going to need in the next, say, 72 hours." Toby mutters. 

"No. This vote we don't need until November." I reply shaking my head. What possible harm could come from giving me 3 names? 

We go back to the White House and strategize with the senior staff and Leo. We come up with 4 names but we're completely stumped on the fifth…until the next day when we read it under Donna's byline. For the rest of the day, the operations staff gives me a wide berth. 

"Did you get Katzenmoyer back?" Sam asks as he comes into my office and sits down. 

"Yeah." I roll my eyes over the encounter. "Katzenmoyer was all but begging to vote for 802 by the time I was done with him." 

"Yeah, but I heard you had to promise him a band gazebo." Donna says from the doorway. 

Silence. "I'll just go back to my office now." Sam offers and quickly removes himself from the field of battle. 

"I was wondering if I could have a raincheck on the drink you promised me last night." She says like nothing has happened between us. 

"Oh, you were? That's what you were wondering?" I get up and walk around her to shut my door. 

"Yes, that's what I was wondering." Donna repeats smiling at me. 

"Well, I was wondering about some names yesterday." I fire the opening shot. 

"Are you pissed at me?" she asks and I roll my eyes again. "You're pissed at ME? Because I wouldn't share information I got from a confidential source?" 

"It was just a few names, Donna. Three freakin names!" 

"Oh, and I suppose if I needed the three freakin names from you for my story, you would have just given them to me?" She shoots back. 

"That's different." 

"How?" She asks. 

"It just is!" I screech. 

"That's it. I DEMAND to see proof of this 760 verbal score you're always bragging about." She sits heavily in the chair. 

"Because…because if I gave you names that showed up in the paper nobody around here would trust me!" I took me awhile but I got it. 

"And if I leak things to you, nobody at my paper will trust ME!" Shit. She got it too. And she was faster than me. 

"So, I'm guessing this means no drinks?" she asks sadly. 

"We still need to get votes back on 802." I give her a lame excuse. 

"Come on. Let's go have a drink and forget about work for awhile. You already got Katzenmoyer and Wick. For the rest you're going to need Leo or the Vice President…" 

"Damn it! How do you know that?" I might be blowing up a bit here, but it's so frustrating. "Besides, the only way we could go out and have drinks would be to go out of the district so no one sees us. If people see us together and they think we're involved…" 

"Yeah, no drinks." She gets up and walks to my door without answering my question. 

"That's it? That's all you have to say?" I demand. 

"Here's a tip for you. You should ask Toby about the $125,000 he earned in a stock purchase he made. The Republicans could make big trouble for you there." And out she walks out. 

What the hell? Toby doesn't even buy stocks! 

************************************ 

Donna strikes again. Toby bought one stinking share of one stinking tech stock and we're in trouble again. Okay, okay, it was a tech stock a lifelong friend of his was talking up to the commerce committee... aaaaannnnnd the jump in the tech stock was attributed to the friends testimony…aaaannnnnd Toby sort of…arranged the friend's testimony to commerce. We just can't catch a break this week. I found a way to get Leo to ask Hoynes to step in. Yes, we are. That.   
Desperate. So at least our 802 worries are over. 

"Let me ask you guys a hypothetical. " I begin but Toby and Sam seem to pay no attention to me. "If you had a friend-" 

"Is this about Donna again?" Sam asks. 

"No! It's not about- Why do you automatically assume all my hypotheticals are about Donna?" I demand. 

"Because…they are." Toby replies. 

"Well this one isn't, okay?" I insist. 

"Okay." Sam agrees and takes another drink of his beer. The three of us decided to `celebrate' passing 802 at the Hawk and Dove. 

"If you had a friend that was in possession of some information- " 

Both Toby and Sam moan. "What?" 

"It is about Donna." Sam takes another drink. "Why don't you just sleep with Donna and get it over with?" 

"Sam!" Toby and I both exclaim. I look around to make sure nobody overheard him. 

"This mooning could go on forever and you know his track record with women. Once he starts sleeping with her it'll be over within a week or two." Sam argues. 

"There is that." Toby agrees and I yelp in indignation "Hell the electricity between them could start a fire in the White House. How long could that last once they got involved?" 

"Yeah, she's a reporter not a communist." Sam mused. "Now that I think about it, that's a bad analogy. Since the cold war is over he'd have a much better time dating a communist than a reporter. When do you think reporters became the enemy anyway? Look at Danny. He's a decent guy." 

"Sam? Shut up." Toby begged. "Josh, you're walking on thin ice. There are just too many ways for this to go bad." 

"This? What is this? We're friends." I try to cover. 

"Yeah, and C.J. and Danny are friends too. Look how well that's working out." Toby sighs. "You're a grown up. I'm not going to tell you who you can friends with. I'm just saying you're asking for trouble or heartache or both." With that, he swallows the rest of his beer and gets up. "I'm going home. Sam, you want a ride?" 

"Sure." Sam finishes his beer and gets up to follow Toby but turns back to me first. "I like Donna. She's funny, smart, and very nice to look at." 

"Yeah." Now it's my turn to sigh as I watch my friends leave. I open my phone and dial the only number I've bothered to memorize. "Hey, it's me. Want to meet me at the Hawk and Dove for a drink?" 

"How many have you had already, Josh?" 

"Two…maybe three." I admit. 

"I don't know if I could catch up." Donna replies. "Maybe you should come over for coffee instead?" 

"I could stop by." I answer her and drop some money on the table in my haste to get out the door and hurry towards her apartment. It's only a few blocks from here. I could be there in no time. 

"Congratulations on 802." She offers. 

"Right." I scoff. I read her op/ed on 802. "You're going to print a retraction tomorrow?" 

"Noooo…but I know how hard you worked to get it passed. I was trying to be supportive." 

"Ah-kay…thanks. The bill sucks though." I'm a little winded at this point since I'm going at a slow jog to get to her place. 

"You'll do better next time." She assures me and God help me if her one sentence doesn't make me feel like I will. "I see Toby avoided Federal prosecution. " 

"Yeah, Sam came up with the solution. Toby was less than thrilled." I wheeze out. Almost. There. "C.J. grilled me for twenty minutes about that story showing up under your name." 

Donna laughs. "And what did you tell her?" 

"That YOU gave it to ME." 

"I bet that went over like a lead balloon." 

"Mostly she wants me to infiltrate your defenses and find out who your sources are." I tell her. "That could be fun, don't you think?" 

"There will be no infiltrating for you." She replies coldly. 

"What? Why?" I stop outside her apartment door. 

"We'll discuss it when you get here." 

"Okay, then open your door." 

She does and her eyes bug out. "That was speedy." She remarks and ends the call. 

"I was highly motivated." I try to catch my breath and she lets me in. 

"I'll put some coffee on." She sighs and turns into her kitchen and I watch for a minute while she putters about in there and gets us a couple mugs. 

"I'm sorry about the yelling the other day." I admit quietly and I can see her nod but she doesn't turn around. "Donna?" 

"What are we doing, Joshua?" She still doesn't turn around so I go to her and physically turn her to me. 

"I'm sorry. There was just a lot of pressure over this vote and-" 

"And there will be more pressure over the next one; on both of us." Donna chuckled without humor. "That's the nature of the jobs; yours and mine." 

"Are you asking me to quit?" 

"I would NEVER do that, Josh. I know what this job means to you and I know how much good you can do in it. It just seems to be an untenable situation." I lose her eyes again. 

"I think so too, but then…" I tip up her chin and kiss her. It's not the fiery, passionate kiss that we usually share after we've been apart for awhile. It's more like a `welcome home' type of kiss. The kind that makes you warm inside…God help me, I'm channeling Sam   
here. Suddenly, she pulls away. 

"Wait a second." She steps back and gives me her stern look. It really shouldn't turn me on so much when she does that, should it? 

"What?" I shrug. I thought it was a great kiss, but if she prefers something else... 

"I'm not kissing you until you give me an explanation. " She crosses her arms in front of her and it makes me even hotter. 

"What?" I repeat all dumbfounded. 

"Who the HELL is Sarah Wessinger?!" 

I burst out laughing. "Jesus, Donna! You had me all worried there." 

"Who is she?" Donna insists. 

`Just this girl." I move closer to her but she backs up. "I swear, Donna. She was the daughter of this rich donor and would show up at all the events and practice flirting with me. That's all." 

"And this `girl' gave you a smoking jacket and a cigarette holder?" 

"Kids of millionaires are eccentric what can I say?" I try again to get a hold of her but she again dances away. 

"How old was this `girl'?" she asks. 

"She was a kid!" I shrug. 

"How. Old.?" She gets me with the glare. 

"Twenty-three. " I admit and use the moment of surprised shock on her face to catch her. 

"That is not a kid, Joshua." She admonishes me. 

"She was to me." I assure her and manage another kiss while we both chuckle. 

"I can't believe you." She laughs. 

"Sure you can. Geez, between you and Mandy, I've been getting grief for this all day!" 

She pulls back again. "That was SO not the name to bring up right now." 

"Sorry! I'm sorry." I hold up my hands in surrender, then grab her again. 

We curl up on her couch and make fun of the people on CSPAN and avert another crisis…for now. 

TBC


	9. Off the Record

George Washington University Hospital   
Three days after the shooting 

~DONNA’S POV~ 

Every time I come into Josh’s room in the cardiac ICU, tears spring to my eyes. The first thing I hear is his blissfully beating heart. He’s already stronger; his lung has reinflated and he’s allowed to incline the bed, which, trust me, caused him endless joy. 

I’m still creeped out by the uniformed agents posted at his door and the level of security on this floor. The President is still here somewhere, but he’s not in this ward and I’m not quite sure where in the hospital he is. Since this is, like, the official hospital of the First Family, there’s probably a specific area set up just for them. 

I don’t know. I don’t spend too much time thinking about it though. I like the President and all, but I don’t interact with him much and it’s Josh I’m more concerned with. 

He’s supposed to start therapy later today. Dr. Bartlet talked extensively with myself and Josh’s mother about what that therapy was going to entail. From the sounds of it, it’s going to be exhausting, uncomfortable, at times painful and frustrating for Josh. 

That should all go over like a lead balloon. 

But if anyone can get through something like that, it’s the man before me. He’s got more heart and spirit and determination and downright gall than anyone I’ve ever met before in my life. 

He’s resting now, but I know he’s not sleeping. Sometimes I think he likes to play possum and avoid people. It hurt admittedly the first time I realized what he was doing, but once I started thinking about it, I really can’t blame him. Nurses tend not to poke and prod him when they think he’s sleeping. Crying friends and mothers don’t stay that long when they think he’s tired. 

I wonder what he thinks about when he retreats there. Does he think about the pain? Does he remember the shooting? Does he think about his job or us? Does he think about the horrid fight we had that night right before the shooting? 

I sigh deeply and sit down on the bed facing him. I told him that night that I had a lot to tell him, and now’s the time. 

I gently run a hand through his hair and call his name softly. “Joshua.” 

His eyes immediately flutter open. Told you he wasn’t sleeping. My eyes tear up, just thinking about what I’m about to say and how nervous I am. He frowns a bit. 

“It’s okay.” I quickly assure him. He and I have always had an uncanny ability to read each other well. Sometimes it hurts him to talk, so it’s coming in handy now. His hand drops lightly to my hip and his thumb rubs gently up and down. It’s so soft, but so soothing. 

“I don’t know if you remember anything from when we were waiting for help the other night, but I told you that I had a lot to say to you and I think it’s time to keep my promise.” I begin. There’s confusion and a little bit alarm in his eyes and I rush to reassure him. “It’s all good.” I say quickly. “Well, one thing you might get pissed off at, but that’s not actually my fault. But right now, I’m going to talk, and all you have to do is listen. Okay?” 

He nods slightly and I take a deep breath and decide to dive right in. 

“I don’t know if you remember what I said that night, but I meant every word, Josh. I want to be with you, only you and nobody else, and I don’t want you to be with anyone else either. I thought this before all this happened, and granted it was merely minutes before this happened after our fight, I still thought it before, and I think that should count. 

“I love you so much, Josh. In my life, I didn’t think I’d fall in love with someone in your position, but I did, and I can’t pretend to everyone that I’m not. We HAVE made it work, Josh, we’ve been making it work. I know it’s hard with our jobs, but you never leak anything to me, and I never ask for it. You don’t ask me who my sources are, not seriously anyway, we’re very respectful of each other’s jobs already, and even if that weren’t the case, I don’t want to be these career driven people. I love to write, Josh, and I love to write about politics, but maybe I don’t have to do that from the White House. I don’t know. I haven’t gotten that far in the thought process. 

“All I know, with absolute certainty, is that you, Josh Lyman, are wrong. We CAN work, we have been working, and I refuse to let you stonewall us another minute because you think our jobs will get in the way.” 

He smirks a bit, and his hand slides up to the back of my head. He applies just enough pressure there for me to understand what it is he wants and I fall gently onto his shoulder. He turns his head and kisses my temple. “I love you, too, Donnatella.” He whispers. “And I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life.” 

“Really?” I ask, pulling away and wiping the tears on my cheeks away, and he nods. 

“I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do about it yet, but apparently, I’ll have some time before I really have to think about it.” He says with great effort and rubs his palm into his eye. I take his hand in mine and lean forward and press a kiss to his forehead. 

“Um…there’s something else you should know.” I hedge. “I don’t know how you’re going to take all this, but I don’t know who out there heard this and I don’t think it’s wise to keep you in the dark about it anymore.” He’s frowning again. “That night, I sort of got into an argument with CJ and the others. They, well, CJ mostly, tried to keep me from seeing you.” The frown gets deeper. Things don’t bode well now for the rest of the senior staff. 

“I don’t know that anyone was really thinking clearly at the time. Everyone was pretty emotional and I think they just looked at me and saw press and just wanted to protect you. But, I was desperate to be with you. I was going out of my mind, and I had your blood all over me. I was hysterical, Josh.” 

His hand comes up and gently strokes my cheek. How he can lay there in the condition he’s in and find the strength to comfort me is simply amazing. 

“Anyway, I saw your mother outside and I screamed for her. She recognized me, but the secret service still wouldn’t let me through, so she told them I was your fiancé.” His eyes widen a bit, but it seems to be with surprise. “Then, she gave the staff an ultimatum. If they tried to keep me away from you, then she, as your next of kin, would ban them from being allowed to see you.” 

He rolls his eyes in a way clearly showing his frustration, but this one is all his mother, thank God. “I don’t know who heard her say any of that, Josh. But, um, just in case someone here says something to you about that, that’s where it came from.” 

“Well, it’s not like it’s the worst thing in the world that could happen.” Comes a familiar voice from the doorway. I look over and pop off the bed as the President enters the room hobbling with a cane. 

“Mr. President!” I greet in surprise. I hazard a glance down at Josh and he’s eyeing his boss with an unreadable expression. 

“I’m going home today, it seems.” He announces. “I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing, Josh, before I left.” 

“Okay.” He whispers. 

“Well, obviously, you’re lying.” The President scoffs. 

“Sir,” I begin. “Josh didn’t know anything about anything I said…” 

“Donna,” the President interrupts me. “You don’t have to sell it to me. You convinced me what you feel is genuine days ago. But it’s not that easy and Josh knows how it works. I’m a romantic, and I love happy endings, but I also live in the real world. In fact, I run the real world. The others are going to have to weigh in. But, fortunately, that’s something that we’ll have a while to figure out while Josh recovers. 

“So, Joshua, you have this beautiful lady here, who seems willing to help you in that endeavor and one man to another, I suggest you abuse that to its fullest limit every chance you get. Abbey’s bedside manner sucks, so one of us shouldn’t be completely miserable.” 

The President walks towards the door, but stops and turns around to face me. “Imperial Presidencies, Donna. I haven’t forgotten.” 

“I look forward to the tongue lashing, sir.” I smirk. “And then writing about how you’re still wrong.” 

“You know, there are some who would consider that a threat to the sitting President.” He shoots back. 

“And others who would merely consider it my First Amendment right.” I counter sweetly. 

He throws a look over to Josh. “Good luck with her, Josh.” He says before disappearing out the door. 

I look down at Josh and he’s got his eyes closed again. I sit back down and ignore his effort to hide. “Josh, are you mad at me?” 

“No.” he says softly opening his eyes. 

“You should sleep a bit. You have therapy later, and you’re going to need your strength.” 

“Will you be here?” 

“I’ll be around.” I nod. “Your mother is coming soon, and I was going to go get lunch and maybe go grab you some newspapers; let you start having contact with the outside world.” 

“Are you going to bring me something OTHER than the New York Times?” he smirks. 

“There are newspapers out there that aren’t the New York Times?” I say in mock innocence. 

He smiles and closes his eyes. I lean in and kiss his forehead again. “I love you.” I whisper, and this time I know he’s sleeping for real. 

When his mother comes to relieve me, I sneak out quietly. I hope to be back in time for his first therapy session. He’ll need someone to beat up other than his mother. 

Once I’m outside, I power my phone back up and check the voice mail messages. 

Shit. 

There’s a rather irate one from my editor wondering why in hell the New York Times is the only paper whose White House correspondent hasn’t filed a story on the shooting. He wants to know why they’re printing associated press stories instead. 

Well, this is going to be unpleasant. I dial his number and take a deep breath. 

“Hi, Bill.” I greet when he gruffly answers. “It’s Donna.” 

“Donna? Donna Moss, my elusive White House correspondent?” he bites back. 

“Listen, Bill…” I begin. 

“I’ve been listening for nearly two years now, Donna. I think it’s your turn to do the listening.” I wisely bite my tongue and let him do his venting. “The Washington Post broke the story of Leo McGarry’s drug use. The Boston Globe was the first to report Sam Seaborn’s relationship with a prostitute. Again, the Washington Post reported when we bombed Syria in retaliation for a terrorist attack on a military shuttle. An attack, by the way, that was first reported by the Washington Herald.” Boy, is he fired up. 

“Let me ask you this, Donna. Please tell me what big White House story in the last year and a half did the New York Times break? Is it me, or is your friendship with the Deputy Chief of Staff severely clouding your loyalties?” 

“I’m not writing about the shooting, Bill.” I say softly but firmly. 

“Oh, I figured that out by now, Donna.” He retorts. “You’ve got yourself planted at his bedside. I know this because I’m reading about it in the Washington Post, yet we’re reporting nothing.” 

“I’m sorry, Bill.” I say lamely. 

“Donna, you’re standing in the middle of the biggest story of your career right now. You got that job by convincing me that politics isn’t personal. It’s looking awfully personal to me now. Tell me something, between you and me, how many times have you actually spoken to the President of the United States over the last few days?” 

I’m silent. And my silence apparently speaks volumes. 

“That’s what I thought.” 

“Bill….” I plead. 

“You’ve got some decisions to make, Donna.” 

TBC


	10. Off the Record

This chapter is a Flashback. 

Josh POV 

I can't walk back to my office just yet; I need a minute to process this. 

No one gets one of these cards except me. 

Not Sam or CJ or Toby. 

Not Donna. 

That's going to throw a real monkey wrench into my whole plan of spending the rest of my life with her. 

It's not going to be a massive nuclear attack either. It's going to be a test tube of some disease that we're not vaccinated for that's slowly going to take out towns and cities. 

Yes I know I sound paranoid. This paranoia thing would be why I'm making a call to Stanley, my shrink, to try to see him for the first time in ten months so I can be told by a professional that I'm paranoid. 

I need to see Donna as well. I wish to God the President hadn't decided that tonight, of all nights, was going to be a chili night in the residence. Maybe I can have her meet me there. 

Oh who am I kidding? It's the senior staff, the assistants and Zoey. It would look quite odd if a member of the White House Press Corps was there, especially as the invited guest of the White House Deputy Chief of Staff. 

Screw it, it can look odd. I'm going to write her a note asking her to come. And yes, in case you were wondering, I've reverted back to Junior High School with the passing of the notes. 

************************************

Donna POV 

Something weird is going on with Josh. He's not acting like himself and it's as if he's almost avoiding me. I went to check with his assistant and she said he has a meeting outside of the building. 

If I were the jealous type I'd wonder if he was meeting another woman. But that's not Josh and I'm not jealous. Well ok maybe I am a little but not today. Today feels wrong to me. I still need to track CJ down for information on a bill that is heading to the floor and I really should get some research done for another piece I'm working on. 

I walk back over to my desk and see a sealed envelope with my name on it in Josh's familiar scrawl. I sit down and casually open the envelope. 

Donna, 

Meet me at the residence tonight, about 7. The President is having a chili thing for Zoey. 

Please? 

-Josh 

Since he said please I guess I can't deny him his request though I know I should. A chili thing in the residence for Zoey and a press corps member is being invited by the Deputy Chief of Staff? Something is clearly up. 

I turn to begin my research when I hear Carol call out to me. 

"Donna?" 

"Hi Carol, what's up?" 

"CJ needs five minutes with you as soon as possible." 

"I need five minutes with her as well. Does now work?" 

"Yes, now is good." 

I follow Carol back to CJ's office and am prepared for whatever is going to happen. As we enter, CJ smiles and points to the visitor chair. The Press Corps calls it the 'hot seat.' I sit and wait for her to begin. 

"Donna, the President is a bit concerned with what you're writing about the budget and the deficit. He'd very much like to discuss this with you further. Will you be around this evening?" 

I do my best not to laugh. The President is asking if I'm available. Shall we quickly review things here? 

1) I'm a White House Press Corps reporter. If anything goes on at the White House, I'm available. 

2) The President asked if I'm available. In what world does CJ think I'd either say no or not be available? And by the way, the President didn't ask, I've been summoned. The President doesn't ask anyone for anything. He doesn't have to. That whole President title does the asking for him. 

I smile at CJ, realizing she's waiting for my answer and reply, 

"Of course I'm around this evening. I can be available for the President whenever he would like." 

CJ returns my smile and then I notice it transitions to a slight smirk. 

"Good. You'll need to be at the residence this evening about 7pm. Zoey is in town and he's having a chili thing for the senior staff and the assistants." 

"Sounds like fun. Should I know anything ahead of time?" 

"Just as I said before, that he's been a bit displeased with the articles on the deficit and the budget." 

Ah. Ok. Well, not much I can do for the man. I wrote the truth and as the cliché goes, the truth can hurt. I respond, 

"OK then. I look forward to tonight." 

As I turn to leave I can hear CJ fight to hold back the laugh she so desperately wants to let go. She wants to tell me how the President is going to flay me for what I've said in my articles. The only problem is, he can't argue with the truth. He'll try and maybe he'll think he's won but we'll know the truth. I hesitate for a moment and turn back to ask her, 

"CJ have you noticed anything strange with Josh today?" 

Instantly her Press Secretary fangs appear. 

"What would be wrong with him Donna?" 

Yeah. She and I are never going to be best friends. It's sad really, because at times I genuinely like her and I know she looks out for the boys as best she can. 

"CJ I'm not asking you as a reporter who is looking for a story above the fold on the Deputy Chief of Staff. I'm asking as a friend." 

"He's fine Donna. The last time I saw him was at Senior Staff and he was fine." 

I nod and turn to leave, knowing I'll get no more information from her. I'm going to have to figure out how to decipher Josh's strange mood today and where he's disappeared to. 

It also occurs to me I didn't get the information I needed on the bill but I'll track her down later about it. 

********************************

Josh POV 

Stanley tries, he really does but he can't grasp the concept. At least not today he can't. 

I ran out when the house was on fire and Joanie died. Today, the NSC gives me a card that tells me where to go in the event of a nuclear attack or something equally devastating. 

Once again I'm going to be the person running out, this time to a plane or down to a bunker. I'm going to be running out and leaving everyone behind to suffer God knows what sort of hell by themselves. I also don't think I'm going to be running, I think the secret service is going to be forcefully moving me to whatever location I need to be at. 

I'm going to be asked to leave Donna behind. That I can't do. I can't be friends with these people and have this card in my pocket that keeps me safe. I can't face them knowing I get saved and they don't. 

I didn't sign on for this when I accepted the position of Deputy Chief of Staff. At least I don't think I did. How do I face them? How do I walk back into that building and encounter them even casually. 

Sam, my best friend and most idealistic co-worker. 

CJ, our beautiful Press Secretary who may consider Sam and I the idiot boys but really will stand on the tracks between us and whatever press nightmare we've created. 

Toby is the older brother I might have wanted if I hadn't had an older sister already. Without his grumpy demeanor of course. 

My Donna. I know we haven't figured `us' out yet but how can the NSC ask me to walk away from her. To leave her behind would render me useless because part of me, part of who I am, would disintegrate without her. 

I have to do something about this and the only way I can is if I find a way to walk back into the White House. I'm certain the guards at the gate would appreciate me not pacing in front of them. With a deep   
breath I walk through the door. 

And right into CJ's line of sight. 

"What can I do for you CJ?" 

She's watching me closely and it's a bit unnerving. 

"You ok Josh?" 

"Fine CJ what's up?" 

"Nothing, just making sure you're alright." 

"I'm fine CJ, I just need to really get back to my office so that I can get some stuff done before tonight's Chili thing and it's getting late." 

She steps aside to let me pass and I quickly make it back to my desk without anyone noticing. I turn on my office cd player and drop in Shubert's "Ave Maria." I make sure it's on repeat play. 

As I get lost in the song, the highs and the lows, I think back to Joanie who wanted to be the Orchestra Conductor. How many times as a little kid did I sit, listening to this song, watching Joanie direct her imaginary orchestra? It never occurred to Joanie that we were Jewish. Nor did it occur to our Mom and Dad to stop her. 

The song plays again and I think about how much I'd lose if I were the one down in the bunker or up in the plane. 

My mother. What would happen to her? She's buried my sister and my father and to have to face a nuclear or bio-chemical attack alone is unrealistic. My mother is one of the strongest women I know but I don't know if she could face that on her own. I don't know if I'd want her to. 

My friends would be facing the unimaginable and I'd be whisked away to some safe haven. How can I live with myself? How can I walk around knowing I'd be protected, and would be taken from them because of who I am? What makes me more important than them? 

Then there is Donna. I keep coming back to her. That's got to count for something. Donna is a totally undefined person in my life who I can't fathom losing. The singer reaches high for the notes as I think of Donna. With the soaring voice cradling my thoughts, I think of how Donna makes my whole being feel like it can fly. She also has the power to reduce me to the true politician I am with a single article. 

But I still couldn't leave her behind. I haven't had enough time with her. I want… 

Who the hell is knocking at my door? Maybe if I ignore them they will go away. 

CJ walks in with a glass of wine in her hand. She begins, 

"Josh? I was knocking but you didn't answer." 

"I didn't hear the door." 

"What are you doing?" 

"I think I'm ready to brief the President on the smallpox article." 

"Why don't you forget about that for tonight, and come have some chili? Everyone's there." 

"CJ, an NSC staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know." 

"Josh, have you been upset about this?" 

"Yes." 

"You're very sweet sometimes. You really are." 

"CJ..." 

"Of course, they don't want me, Josh. I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're gonna be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun." 

"This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?" 

"I'm Catholic." 

"Hang on. Listen. Listen." She has to hear this, it's amazing. I cross the room and turn up the volume. 

"There, right there. It's...miraculous. " I wait half a second and finish, 

"Schubert was crazy, you know." 

"Yes." 

"Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?" 

"Josh, the cold war is over. There's not gonna be a nuclear..." 

"God, CJ It's not gonna be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs." 

"What's it gonna be?" 

"It's gonna be this. It's gonna be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for 50 years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it... you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven. If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a-a rubber cap that's deteriorating... A guy steps out of Times Square Station. Pshht... Smashes it on the sidewalk... There is a world war right there." 

"We'll make more vaccine." 

"You better hurry 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards." 

"Come have chili. The President's asking for you." 

"Yeah, I'll be right there in a minute." 

"You really are very sweet sometimes." 

I watch her turn to leave and then suddenly she re-appears. 

"Your reporter friend knows something is up with you. She asked me about it earlier today. I told her I didn't know something was wrong but obviously if you're obsessing about this, then she's right. She knows you better than we think Josh." 

With a pointed look CJ turns to leave. I want to will my feet to move but I feel frozen, paralyzed almost. 

Donna knew I was upset? Not that she can't know, well she probably can't know the cause of my discontent but she can know I was upset. 

I keep staring at the door. She's around, I feel her. 

I whisper, 

"Donna?" 

After a moment I hear her footsteps and as she appears, framed by the doorway, 

"Hi…" I offer. 

"Hey." 

"Did you get my note?" 

"Yes, and while I would love to go with you, I've been summoned…" 

"By whom and to where?" 

"The President and the residence." 

I can only smile. 

"The budget and deficit articles?" 

She nods at me. 

"Well, you play with fire you're going to get burned." 

She laughs, her laugh is so soothing. 

**************************************

Donna POV 

I'm laughing but I'm worried about him. 

"Are you alright?" I can't wait much longer to ask. He frowns at me for a moment and then continues, 

"I've had an interesting day. But that's a discussion for another time. It's best we not keep the President waiting any longer." 

He brushes the day off but I know something isn't right. I won't push him before he has to be in the residence with the President and Senior Staff but we're going to have this conversation. 

Josh stands and comes over to me. As I begin to head out, he touches my elbow and I turn to face him. Pulling me to him, he wraps me in his arms and quietly closes the door behind me. 

"Just give me a minute." 

Who am I to argue with being in Josh's arms? I wrap my arms around him, turn my face towards his neck and allow myself to be with him in the only way we can right now. 

************************************

Josh POV 

I can feel my body relax as I hold her and I know my pulse isn't as rapid nor is my breathing. She brings me peace. 

Softly I kiss her forehead and step from her embrace. I open my door and let her walk ahead of me, my hand at her back, guiding her to the residence. 

"Nervous?" I ask. 

"I've done nothing to be nervous about." 

I smile and continue, 

"He's an economist you know. A Nobel Peace Prize winning economist." 

"He doesn't scare me Josh." 

I lean in to whisper, 

"That's my girl…" 

She turns and smiles at me as we approach the doors to the residence. I nod at her to enter while I head towards the kitchen. I have a feeling young Ms. Bartlet is doing some cooking. 

**************************************

Donna POV 

Josh has been gone for more than a little while and I'm starting to get concerned again. I've already had part of a conversation with the President and now he's off to the side speaking with Leo and Sam while they tease Mrs. Landingham. 

I admit I don't feel completely comfortable sitting here with CJ, Toby and Cathy. I know they are concerned about my profession so it's a bit awkward. Toby heads off to speak with the President leaving me with CJ and Cathy. Eventually CJ heads off to speak with The President and Leo. 

Oh there's Josh… 

He smiles at me and motions that he's heading over to speak with the President. I remain sitting, return his smile and hope no one can see how uncomfortable I really am. A voice interrupts me from my thoughts, 

"You ok Donna?" 

Sam is so sweet to check on me. 

"I'm good Sam, thank you." 

"These things are supposed to be relaxing but they never truly are at first. You'll get used to them Donna." 

"I hope so Sam, I really do." 

Sam watches me for a minute and then asks quietly, 

"You really do care about him don't you?" 

Without hesitation I nod. I'd say more but CJ walks up to us and begins to tell us about deaths by vending machines. 

***************************************

Josh POV 

I'm not in the mood to be here. I just want to wrap myself around Donna someplace quiet and cut off from the rest of the world. 

Instead, I'm in the residence standing with Leo and the President. I just introduced Zoey to Charlie. That could be an interesting friendship. Zoey is a little bit of a rabble rouser at times and Charlie, well he's a bit too serious at times. Don't get me wrong, I understand with his background why he is that way, but Zoey could bring him out and get him to unwind a bit. 

Suddenly and without express permission my mouth opens and the words I've needed to say come tumbling out. 

"Mr. President, there's something that's been bothering me for most of the day, and while I know that this is an inappropriate time..." I stop to try to collect myself when Leo asks, 

"No, what's on your mind, Josh?" 

"I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it's a great privilege that I will never forget." I pause to take my wallet out and pull the card from it. I hold it out towards the President and Leo. Then, I continue, 

"I can't keep this. I think it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy. And I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it's not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women." 

Leo smiles at me and the President pats me on the back. The President receives the signal from Charlie that the chili is ready and he launches into a speech. 

I watch Donna sitting with Sam and CJ and she looks perfectly at home in this situation. Eventually I resume paying attention to the leader of the free world, 

"When smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century. Surely, we can do it again. As we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God." 

I see Donna watching me and I smile at her, the smile that is only for her. The President finishes, 

"Here's to absent friends, and the ones that are here now." 

With a chorus of "Cheers!" the crowd breaks up to head off to eat. Donna makes her way to me and asks, 

*********************************

Donna POV 

"What were you and Leo talking about?" I have to know, I just have to know. 

"The crackpots from today. Big Block of Cheese Day brings out every crackpot we know. We were also discussing the women, CJ, Mrs. Landingham, Cathy, even you." 

He never fails to surprise me, 

"You were talking about me?" 

"Sure." 

I'm not sure if I should believe him, but he seems quite serious. 

"What did you take away from the conversation? " 

I know I shouldn't push but I have to, it's the reporter in me. He wraps his arm around me and replies, 

"Just how amazing the women we're surrounded by truly are." 

"Do you want to tell me what happened today?" 

He watches me and then leads me carefully over to a quiet corner. 

"I shouldn't tell you Donna, I can't tell you really. But let's put it this way, I was given something today that set my world on its edge. Something that if it came down to needing to use what I was given, I don't know if I could or would because it would take me from all of you at a time when I would want to be with all of you." 

He's rambling and he's going to that far off place I saw in his eyes when he was in his office listening to the "Ave Maria." Gently I try to bring him back to me, 

"Josh, you are a very important man in this administration. You can't be turning things down because it would make you seem more important that the rest of us. Not to feed your ego, but you *are* more important than the rest of us, at least in the eyes of this administration. " 

************************************

Josh POV 

I understand what she says, I comprehend the words but she doesn't know the full impact. People are beginning to return with bowls of chili so I know we don't have long to speak like this before someone notices us. 

"Donna in the eyes of the administration I may be the second most powerful man, and if you ever use that phrase anywhere in print I will deny it, but I'd much rather be less important to the Government and be able to stay with my friends and my mom…" 

I take a deep breath and finish, 

"And to stay with you. Do you understand me Donna?" 

She nods at me and replies with a crack to her voice, 

"OK so it's chili time?" 

I smile and nod and lead her towards the kitchen. We pass Charlie and Zoey talking by the door. I smile at them and touch Zoey's shoulder. She smiles back at me and leans up to kiss my cheek. 

"Donna! Make sure he eats – he looks like death on a triscuit." 

We laugh and continue on. 

***********************************

Donna POV 

It's the middle of the night and I'm standing outside Josh's door. It hit me a short while ago that what he was given was the much joked about but completely non-existent, NSC card. Non-existent my ass. 

I raise my hand to knock and the door opens, startling me. 

"Took you long enough to decide if you were going to wake me up…" he smirks at me. 

His apartment was dark when I pulled up; at 3am one would imagine he'd be asleep. I take a closer look at him in the horrible light from the hallway and I can see sleep for Josh will not come easily tonight. 

"How did you know I was here?" 

"I was watching you from the window while you were pacing downstairs and then I waited quietly to see if you'd knock once you came inside. I didn't want to interrupt. I looked out through the peep-hole a few times and you seemed to be having an internal struggle. Finally I couldn't wait any longer and I opened the door. You want to tell me what's going on?" 

I motion to him to go into his apartment. I know this isn't a conversation for the hallway. 

"You were given an NSC card today." 

He stops walking ahead of me and turns to face me. His jaw suddenly becomes rigid and when he speaks it is clearly and with force I've not heard much from him. 

"NSC cards are just folklore Donna. You know that. Every reporter out there wants to get the scoop on the ever elusive but completely non- existent NSC card." 

*************************************

Josh POV 

How the hell could she know I was given that card today? From what I told her she'd have no way to know. 

Except for the fact that she's Donna, she's ten times smarter than most reporters and she knows me seemingly better than I know myself. 

I look at her for confirmation that she knows this card doesn't exist. 

She stares back at me and looks almost completely through me. Finally I hear her say, 

"My mistake Josh…" 

***********************************

Donna POV 

As I offer the words, I see him visibly relax. He doesn't have a great poker face. 

"But if said non-existent card did in fact exist, the public would be quite supportive of knowing that its critical players in the government would be protected and able to lead. Not of course that there would be any published report on it, that's just my estimation." 

I watch him for a moment and decide to go out on a limb, 

"If that non-existent card did in fact exist, I am perfectly certain that there are good friends, family and as yet undefined people in the life of the recipients who would be thrilled the recipient would   
be safe. See Josh, that's what people want for their friends and family and those as yet undefined people in their lives. They want them to be safe and happy and taken care of. If the worst were to happen, the focus would be on the important people to us being alright." 

*************************************

Josh POV 

"What if that recipient couldn't bring important people with him? How could he go on?" 

I see the recognition in her eyes and while I haven't admitted anything, I've told her all she needs to know. 

She smiles at me and whispers, 

"He could go on because he's the best at his job, the country would need him and his friends would expect him to honor their efforts, work, lives and memories by surviving, thriving and living." 

I turn to walk to the couch when I hear, 

"But that's all a moot point since the card doesn't exist." 

I smile at her and affirm, 

"Correct. Now come sit with me. Please?" 

I sit on the couch and open my arms to her. She sits in my embrace and for the first time all day since the card was placed in my hands I feel some semblance of peace. 

I can feel myself drifting off when I hear Donna whisper, 

"Get on the plane Josh or do whatever they tell you to do to stay safe. I need to know you're safe. Promise me you will." 

I lean back to look at her and see her eyes filled with tears. I pull her back against my chest and feel her tears soak through my t-shirt. She is silent as she cries and remains silent a few minutes later as   
I sit her up to face her while I speak, 

"I can't do that Donnatella. I can't do what they tell me to do because I gave the card back. I couldn't imagine being the only one kept safe. Promise me giving it back was worth it." 

***************************************

Donna POV 

I listen to him speak, I listen to him ask me to promise him it was worth it and I don't have the words to tell him. Imagine that, a reporter without words. 

So I lean forward and kiss him, with every ounce of adoration I feel. I hope my actions were louder than my words and that my promise is clear. 

**************************************

Josh POV 

She kisses me and I know she's assuring me I did the right thing. 

With all of myself, I kiss her back, making the same promises to her. 

TBC


	11. Off the Record

Chapter 11 

Present… 

Donna's POV: 

My nerves have been shredded to pieces. Josh has been a bear, my editor has given me a hard deadline to meet or I will be unemployed, and I am so sick of the looks I'm getting from the senior staff I could vomit. Sam is okay; and by okay I mean not openly hostile. He smiles and even asks if I need anything if he's going to the cafeteria or the gift store or something, but he's very careful not to speak about anything besides the weather and Josh's health when I'm around. 

It's like walking on eggshells with these people, and I've never been good with that to begin with. Add in the work stress, the Josh stress, and the lack of sleep and I'm ready to implode. This is all by way of saying I am not feeling open minded and ready to play nice when C.J. comes into Josh's room. 

She does a visual survey of the room as she always does; like someone might have left Top Secret papers out on his bedside table that I'm going to reprint in The Times. I hold back my moan of exasperation… but just barely. 

"He's sleeping again?" C.J. asks rhetorically since we can both see his eyes are closed and he is breathing deeply. I simply nod and keep typing on my laptop. "Donna? I was wondering if I could talk to you for a second?" 

"I'm kind of on a deadline here, C.J." I snap. 

"Oh…sure…I just thought maybe…" 

I look up then and see real trepidation on her face. "What?" 

"We're getting a ton of requests for interviews. The press is in a feeding frenzy and-" she breaks off as she remembers who she's talking to. "I mean, naturally, people want to hear about what happened from the people who were there, and Josh, with his   
background…well it's become a huge human interest story." 

"You can't possibly be suggesting that he do an interview, C.J., he can barely stay awake most of the time and what little physical activity they're pushing him to do is so difficult that-" 

"No! No, I realize that's out of the question." C.J. hastens to assure me. "The thing is; they'd like to speak to his mother." 

I bark out a laugh, "Good luck with that." And resume my typing. 

"That's what I thought." C.J. admits. "Maybe if you were to talk to her about it-" 

I slam the top of my laptop down. "Are you fucking kidding me?" C.J. jumps at both my language and my volume. "You treat me like I have the plague, you try to block me from seeing Josh and then you come to me and ask me to use my friendship with Sara Lyman to help you score an interview? Go to hell C.J.!" 

"It's my job to protect the President and the people who work for him. That means limiting access to the press." C.J. attempts to defend herself. 

"I'm not `the press' to Josh." I counter but the rising volume of our voices rouses Josh. 

"Donna…?" He calls and I rush to his side along with C.J. 

"I'm here…C.J.'s here too." I tell him pointedly. 

"It's good to see your beautiful brown eyes open." C.J. flirts. 

"Sorry, C.J., you're too late. I'm with Donna now." He slurs and I half laugh. 

"Maybe I'll fight her for you when you get on your feet again." C.J. pretends to consider this. "Then again, maybe not. Leo said to tell you not to worry about a thing. Everyone's stepping up to try and cover your office. Your only job is to rest and get better." 

"Don't let…Toby take my meetings." He instructs her. 

"I'll pass that along." C.J. promises. "I'm heading back to the White House now. Call if you need anything, okay?" 

"Okay. What time is it?" Josh asks me after C.J. leaves. 

"It's 8 pm." I tell him. 

"News?" He asks and I oblige by turning on the television. I'll let him watch for awhile but if he starts to get ramped up I'm turning it to the cooking channel; that always puts both of us to sleep. Sarah is at Josh's apartment tonight. I promised her I'd stay through the night. We've been tag teaming Josh since we got here and it's working for us so far, but I'm very tired. I hit send on my email, shooting my article to Bill and shut the laptop down. 

We both must have fallen asleep because the next thing I know, Josh's moan wakes me up. I'm just getting my bearing s in the darkened room when he starts yelling for help. 

"Josh! What is it? What's wrong?" I grab for the nurses call button while I try to hold him down in bed. He's trying to get up and I'm afraid he'll hurt himself. "Josh, stop! Tell me what's wrong." 

"They shot the President." He yells and I freeze. "Oh, God." He calls out and grabs his chest. He's reliving the shooting. 

"Josh, wake up. Please wake up, Josh!" The nurse arrives and I've never been so glad to see a nurse in my life. "He's having a nightmare." 

"Josh?" The nurse pushes him back against the bed as gently as possible. "Josh, you're in the hospital and you're dreaming." She deftly reaches for the washcloth and dips it into the pitcher of cold water by the bed, all with one hand, and runs it over Josh's face. He sputters a bit and seems to wake up although his breathing is still labored and I can see his heart monitor going crazy. 

"You're safe, Joshua." I repeat. "You're safe in the hospital. I'm right here with you." 

"Donna?" 

"Yes. Yes, Josh, I'm right here." I assure him taking his hand and holding it to my face. 

"Josh? Can you take a couple deep breaths for me?" Angie requests, trying to get him to slow his breathing down again. He complies and after a couple minutes, the monitors all go back to their normal beeping. "Good; very good. I'm going to turn on the light a minute and check to make sure you didn't pull anything out." 

The light makes us both flinch but after a short examination, Angie determines that everything is as it should be, and turns it back off. 

"Try to get back to sleep, Josh. It's the middle of the night." Angie recommends and Josh nods, but he still doesn't let go of my hand. 

Once the nurse goes back to her station, Josh pulls me onto the bed and into his arms. "I couldn't remember it before…I'm not sure if I remember it now or if my mind is playing tricks on me…I don't want to remember it Donna." 

"I don't either." I whisper and kiss his temple. "Try to sleep now, Joshua." 

"You're the one who needs sleep. You have work." He notes and I refrain from telling him that most likely, the article I sent was too little too late and I'll have no work to worry about any longer. 

"Let's both sleep then." I suggest and tuck my head under his chin and click his morphine button for him. 

****************************** 

Two Days later… 

Josh's POV: 

"Sam!" I nearly shout. I'm thrilled to see someone besides hospital personnel come through my door. "Tell me you brought me something from work; anything from work." 

"Uh…no. Donna said-" 

"Donna said? Since when is Donna is charge of what I see?" I demand. 

"Since the ambulance picked you up I guess." Sam shrugs. "How are you feeling?" 

"Cranky. I need news, Sam; work or something that requires cognitive processing." I explain. "Tell me you at least have copies of the newspapers." 

"Donna told us-" 

"Sam!" I protest rolling my head back onto the pillow. "Okay, never mind, just go back down to the lobby and get a copy of whatever paper they carry down there…Better yet, find a copy of The Times. Donna won't show me anything from The Times." 

"Yeah, well…I don't think I really will." Sam shakes his head regretfully. "Donna will be here soon and you can ask her." 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure." 

"I heard there might have been a little…tension between Donna and the White House staff. You know, after the…after Rosslyn. Is anyone still giving her a hard time?" I look right into Sam's eyes. He can't lie worth a damn so I watch his face carefully. 

"Not really. Your mom pretty much put the kibosh on that one, but I get the feeling that C.J. isn't one of Donna's favorite people." Sam replies honestly. "And there's something you might not have heard yet…" 

"Hi Sam, I didn't know you were coming down today." Donna walks in and interrupts us. She has been spending most of her time here with me and I'm starting to feel guilty about that fact… a little. Mostly I'm just glad she's here. Her mere presence here is like a shot of morphine. It makes all the pain in my body recede. She leans over and kisses me right in front of Sam. 

"It was a last minute thing. My meeting got cancelled so I thought I'd just stop by." Sam shrugs again. 

"Well you had good timing. He's got a little time before physical therapy." Donna announces and I moan. "You're not getting out of physical therapy, Joshua. It's your only job right now." 

"Hey, you've been ignoring your job all this time and if you'd let me see something, anything, from the White House, I'd have another job." I counter and I almost miss something pass between Donna and Sam. "What? What is it?" 

"What is what?" Donna asks all innocent, but I see Sam flinch and I turn on the weaker animal instinctively. "Sam? What have you heard? Has something happened to my job?" Now Sam looks startled. 

"No!" Sam nearly shouts. "God, no. Your job is the last thing you should be worrying about." He looks sincere, but Donna looks panicked now. What the hell is going on? I try another approach. 

"Did you bring a copy of The Times?" I ask Donna. 

"No. You're getting all the news you need on TV." She replies, but her eyes don't meet mine this time. 

"What's in The Times you don't want me to see?" I ask point blank. 

"Nothing. There's nothing there I don't want you to see. Don't be ridiculous, Joshua." She chastises me as she pulls her laptop out of her bag and starts typing. Sam looks back and forth between us a couple times before he clears his throat. 

"I'd better get going. I'll see you tomorrow." He promises. 

"With The Times?" I prod and again I see a look pass between him and Donna. 

"I'll uh…see what I can do." He hedges and leaves quickly so I turn my attention back to the beautiful blond sitting in my room. 

"What are you working on?" I ask her. 

"It's a process story on the race in the Virginia 3rd." she mumbles. 

"A process story?" I repeat. That doesn't sound right. The Times doesn't usually print those kinds of stories unless it's particularly compelling and at this point in the election cycle, there's nothing compelling about a race in Virginia. "Bill has you on a process story? Are you being punished?" I chuckle and earn a glare from the woman I love. 

"I write what I'm told to write." She mutters and goes back to her typing. After a couple minutes, my patience is spent…yes, I know, it's not an impressive amount of time to be patient but hey, it's me. 

"Did you bring any movies?" I try to prod her a little. 

"No, I didn't have a chance to stop on my way here. Your mom said she'd try to find something you'd approve of before she comes over tonight. Where's your crossword puzzle book?" 

"I finished it." 

"The whole thing?" She looks up at me from her laptop. 

"Uh-huh…."She give me a disbelieving look. "Well, I finished the correct pages." 

"The correct pages?" Her eyebrows quirk up at me; God she is so ADORABLE when she does that. 

"As I worked my way through that, I found several errors on different pages, Donna." 

"So…you tossed the pages that were incorrect?" she guessed drolly. 

"I had to, Donna. The mistakes were making me crazy!" 

"I know the feeling." She mutters. 

"What does that mean? Are you saying that I'm driving you crazy?" 

"Oh no, Josh; not just me. The entire hospital, the senior staff of the White House, and your mother are all being driven crazy." She spouts. "Now let me work, please." 

I am able to keep it all together for almost three minutes this time…it's an improvement! "I could probably let you work if I had something to keep ME occupied for awhile. Like maybe…a newspaper to read…" She lets out a big huff and looks over at me. 

"If I bring you a paper, you'll let me work undisturbed for awhile?" She levels a hard look at me and I nod my head vigorously. She starts to get up when another thought occurs to her. "How long a while are we talking about here?" 

"It would probably take me a good hour to peruse a paper like the Post or The Times." I assure her. 

"Fine." She sets her computer on the bedside table and gives me a grudging kiss on the forehead. "You're a child." She calls back to me as she leaves. 

"I know." I call back and smile. See? Donna knows all the quirky things about me and she loves me anyway. How could I think, for one minute, that I'd be better off without her in my life? That my job, a career, is more important than the deep connection I feel for this woman? I shake my head at the very notion of it and my eyes fall on her laptop. I skim the article on her screen; sure enough it's a process story…Yawn! Why is Bill having her write this dribble? I pull the laptop closer and minimize the screen. As long as Donna is going to be out of the room for a few minutes, I can pull up some papers on the internet. 

As a concession to the woman I love, I pull up The Times first. I skim the headlines and see a couple that make me grimace, but overall the tone is pretty favorable towards the President. As I skim down the webpage, I look for Donna's byline but don't see it anywhere. Hardly surprising, I guess. She's been spending most of her time here and that's got to be affecting her assignments. Frustrated, I type her name in the search box and hit enter. After a couple seconds, her latest articles pop up on the screen and I'm puzzled to note that the most recent one was dated the day before Rosslyn. What the hell? I run the search again with the same results. 

This can't be right. Maybe she didn't post anything for the first couple days after Rosslyn. Mom said that they were both pretty shaken up in the first couple days after the shooting. But she's been working on articles since then. I've seen her! Hell, I just   
minimized the screen on one of them. What the hell is going on? Feeling alarmed now, without knowing why, I close that screen and open her email account without a moment's hesitation. As I peruse the contents, my eyes fix on the last email sent from her boss at The Times. 

Fired? Donna's been fired from The Times? That can't be. She would have told me. SOMEONE sure as hell would have told me. Then I remember the looks between her and Sam and the fact that she's refused to bring me The Times since the shooting when in the past she's been anxious to share her paper with me. Things start to click into place. Donna's been fired. Then who the hell is she writing for now? I click back on her inbox and see several messages have been sent with attachments; all addressed to C.Reid. They have titles like; Inside the West Wing and Fallen Hero. I feel my stomach start to clench and my head start to pound in a way that has nothing to do with my injuries. I'm about to open one of the attachments when Donna comes back into the room. 

************************************ 

Donna's POV: 

I hope reading the Post doesn't get him all worked up, but I HAVE to finish this article and I need to keep Josh occupied in order to get that done. I have NO illusions that it'll occupy him for a half hour, but MAYBE I'll get 20 minutes peace out of the deal and that should be enough time. I shake off the bad feeling I have about the whole thing and hurry back to Josh's room. 

"Before I give this to you, I want your solemn word-" I stop mid sentence when I realize he's on my computer. I try not to panic. He's probably reading the boring process piece I'm writing, or at worst, he's trying to hack into his email account. That's probably it. 

Then he looks up at me with these wounded eyes. Nope; it's not my boring process piece. I instinctively go on the offensive. 

"What are you doing on my computer, Josh?" I ask quietly. 

"What are YOU doing on your computer, Donna?" He spits back at me. 

"I'm writing a piece on the Virginia-" 

"Bullshit!" He shouts. "Fallen Hero, Donna? Inside the White House, Donna?" 

"You're in my email account?" This is going to get nasty. "You just took my computer and read my private emails?" 

"You left it sitting here and I got bored." He tries to defend himself. 

"You got bored." I correct. "And you use that excuse to invade my privacy?" 

"Apparently, it's the only way to find out what's really going on here." He counters. "When were you going to tell me you got fired at The Times?" I sit down heavily in the chair next to his bed and look at the floor. "That's what Sam was trying to tell me, wasn't it?" 

"I was going to tell you in a couple days when things settled down a bit more." I manage. 

"Bill fired you because of me?" 

"He fired me because I wasn't posting any stories at a time when the White House was dealing with an assassination attempt." I argue. 

"And you weren't posting any stories because you've been here taking care of me." He concludes and I don't dispute it; I can't. "Who are you peddling this other garbage to?" 

My head whips back up in anger and my eyes are shooting daggers into his. "Excuse me?" 

"These articles!" He sweeps his arm back over to the laptop and I see him wince in pain from the movement. I try not to show the sympathy I feel. He had NO RIGHT to read my emails. None. 

"I have to earn a living, Josh, and staying here almost 24/7 doesn't give me a lot of options." I stand up and snatch my laptop back from him. 

"You can't do this, Donna." His voice drops down to a reasonable volume again. "You can't use the information you get from being here with me to-" 

"Is that what you think?" I interrupt him, dumbfounded. "You think I'd-" I break off unable to continue. The hurt literally chokes off my words. 

"Mr. Lyman? Time for PT." The obnoxious candy striper announces from the door. 

"Can you give me a minute, please?" He snaps at the girl. 

"Don't yell at her, she's just doing her job." I take my temper out on the girls' behalf. 

"I'm not yelling at her I just- We need to finish this conversation." He insists. 

"I really can't think of a thing I want to say to you right now, Joshua." I turn to the girl still hovering in the doorway. "I'm sorry he's being such an ill mannered baboon, but if it makes you feel any better, he just opened my email account without my   
permission and read my emails." 

"Donna! Could we please just keep this between us, right now?" 

"That's okay, Mr. Lyman." The girl smiles. "My brother fights with his fiancé all the time, too." 

We both turn to stare at the girl. "What?" We say simultaneously. 

"I'm sorry. Are we not supposed to know yet? I just figured since it was on TV, you must have made an announcement already." The girl explains. 

"What…is on TV exactly?" Josh asks just as C.J. comes in. She doesn't give me the suspicious glare anymore since I got fired which is nice, but I still don't completely trust her…and the feeling is mutual. 

"Good. You're both here." She nods at us and shuts the door on the perky candy striper. "We have a bit of a…thing." 

A `thing' is how Bartlet staffers refer to an issue that my cause them some trouble. I don't like the sound of this. 

"The wires are quoting an anonymous source as stating that the two of you are engaged. Is there something you'd like to tell me before I go in front of the White House press corps and deny it?" she asks us. 

"It's not true." I tell her. "And you can relax, C.J. I'd rather be dragged naked across broken glass than get engaged to this pompous, arrogant, jackass." I grab my things and leave the room before I say something I might regret later. 

*************************************** 

Josh's POV: 

"So…that would be a `no' right?" C.J. poses to me. 

"It looks that way." I agree. I'm still pissed that Donna would use her all access pass here to sell a story. I never thought she'd do that. 

"Any idea where the rumor started?" C.J. pushes. 

"Donna said something about Mom playing the fiancé card to get her in the hospital the night of the shooting. Maybe someone overheard that and passed it on. It hardly matters now, does it? I mean, after the   
stuff she's been writing." 

"The stuff she's been…" C.J. pulls the chair closer to my bed. "What is it exactly that you think she's been writing, because whatever the headlines have been at The Times, I can guarantee it hasn't been Donna's work." 

"I know Bill fired her from The Times." I pause. "And by the way, can you believe that asshole fired her considering the circumstances? I'm talking about the other stuff." 

"What other stuff?" C.J. asks. 

"The other stuff… The "Fallen Hero" stuff she wrote. You haven't seen it? Is she writing under another byline?" This doesn't make any sense. 

"The `Fallen Hero'…Donna didn't write that Josh." C.J. shakes her head. 

"What are you talking about? It's on her laptop. She sent it as an attachment to somebody." I'm getting confused and frustrated and that's never a good combination for me. 

"Wait a second. Are you saying…did you read her emails, Josh? Without her permission?" 

"How do you know whether or not I had permission?" 

"If you'd had her permission, you wouldn't be thinking she wrote the piece." C.J. reasons. "Look…I'm not supposed to know this but…when Donna got fired, she was pretty upset. She ended up confiding in a…mutual friend." C.J. admits. 

"Danny?" I ask immediately. 

She gives me `the look'. "This MUTUAL FRIEND, who knew she was worried about you and being unemployed, used his contacts to hook her up with another job prospect or two. She got snapped up immediately as an issues director/editor for a political website. That's what she's been working on lately. She's been EDITING the stories submitted to the site. SHE didn't write any of them." Sometimes…when C.J. is feeling particularly superior, she gets this tone to her voice and starts talking very slowly to me; like I'm dimwitted. Usually, it's incredibly annoying, but right now, all I can think about is how completely I've fucked up this whole thing with Donna. 

The door opens again. The candy striper re-appears. "We have to get you to PT now, Mr. Lyman." 

And the hits just keep on coming… 

*************************************** 

Donna's POV: 

I lose my job with a very prestigious paper to watch over him day and night and he accuses me of betrayal! What a schmuck! What a jackass! I try not to upset him with the news that I lost my job over this whole   
thing and this is the payback I get? How could he possibly believe I'd use him that way? Haven't I proven my loyalty repeatedly? How could he say he loves me and then turn around and accuse me of those things without even talking to me about it? 

I owe Danny a lot. He hooked me up with Casey Reid so I could pay my bills and he's helping me shop my book on the campaign, but he's nuts if he thinks anyone with a press pass can have a relationship with anyone who works in the White House. 

***************************** 

Sara's POV: 

"Calm down, Joshua." I repeat for the third time. "I can't help you when I don't understand what you're trying to say." 

"It doesn't matter." He assures me. "Just…you have to find Donna and bring her here." 

"Find her?" I'm puzzled by his choice of words. My son chooses his words very carefully and nobody has had any trouble finding Donna since the shooting. She's been here, or on her way here almost the entire time. "Is she lost?" I tease and Josh blows up in my face. 

"Yes, she may very well be lost; lost to me anyway. You need to bring her here." He insists. 

The nurse comes in and interrupts my next question. "Is everything okay, Mr. Lyman? Your blood pressure and heart rate are both up." 

"Of course they're up, I'm upset!" He explains and turns back to me. "Please, Mom. Call her and ask her to come back here. She won't return my calls." 

Okay, now alarm bells are going off in my head. There were only two reasons that young woman wouldn't return Josh's calls. 1) If Donna were in a coma, or 2) If Josh… 

"Just what kind of boneheaded idiotic thing did you do to that poor girl?" I get right into his face. 

"Why do you automatically assume I did-" 

"Joshua!" 

"I made a mistake, okay? I screwed up and jumped to the wrong conclusion. I shouldn't have done it and I need to apologize for it, but I can't do that unless I can actually talk to Donna!" He reasons. 

"Mr. Lyman, you really need to calm down." The nurse admonishes him. I could have told her to save her breath. "This is very hard on your system and it's already working overtime to heal." 

"Mom…please." He begs. "If I could get out of here on my own power I'd leave right now to go to her, but I can't. You HAVE to help me. She won't listen to anyone else." 

I consider his statement for a moment. He does sound contrite. "IF I do this…you promise to apologize and never hurt her again?" 

"I didn't mean to hurt her this time. Of course I'll apologize." 

"And…?" 

"And I promise to try my best to never hurt her again." He vows. I figure that's about the best I can get from him. He is his father's son, after all. 

"I'll bring her here, but the rest is up to you." I tell him. 

"Thanks, Mom. Thanks SO much." I wait until his heart rate settles a bit before I go in search of my future daughter-in- law. 

TBC


	12. Off the Record

**Flashback**

~DONNA’S POV~ 

“Hey!” Josh greets me with a huge smile as he, and I’m not kidding you, bounces up to me at the White House. It’s late. I’ve been running against a deadline, but I just couldn’t be here anymore. He’s caught up to me outside just as I was getting to the gate. 

I’ve missed him. I hope he can’t tell I’ve been avoiding him. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” He says. 

“Did you try the press room?” I quip. 

“I haven’t wanted to get too close to there today.” He says. 

Yeah, none of them have. 

“You’re here late.” 

“Yeah. I’m up against a deadline.” I say half-heartedly. He pulls the gate open for me and we step out onto the sidewalk together. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. 

God, no. 

“Yeah, I guess.” I shrug. 

“I kind of get the feeling you’ve been avoiding me.” 

“Oh, well, I’ve just….” 

“Donna.” He stops me by tugging on my sleeve and turns me to face him. “What did I do?” 

It’s my undoing. The tears start and I just want to kick myself for being so weak. His eyes go wide and he pulls me into a hug. This feels so good. Why didn’t I go find him earlier? 

“Donna, what is this? What’s the matter?” 

“I can’t tell you.” 

“Yes, you can.” He says. 

“Josh…” 

“You can, Donna.” He asserts. He steps away from me to hail a cab. As it pulls up, he tugs me over to it and opens the door. “We’ll go to my place.” 

“Josh.” I say again. 

He stops right before we’re going to climb in the car and looks me right in the eye. “Donna, you can tell me anything. I’ve told you tons of stuff I probably shouldn’t have.” 

He pulls me into the car while I absorb that. He has told me some stuff. That’s the problem. He’s told me stuff and I haven’t used it. Well, I have, but not until after someone else has first. 

We’re quiet for the ride to his apartment. Once inside, he goes to the kitchen and brings back two beers then takes my hand and leads me to the couch. 

“What’s going on?” 

The water works come back and he pulls me in his arms again. 

“Donna, please tell me. I can’t stand to see you this upset.” 

“My editor reamed me out, Josh.” I cry into his shoulder. 

“So? The President and Leo ream me out on a daily basis.” 

“He wants to know why I don’t get any tips. He wants to know why it’s always someone else with the exclusive.” 

“You’ve done exclusives.” He says. 

“I don’t get the leaks, Josh.” 

“You have.” He says quietly. “You just don’t write about them.” 

“Exactly.” 

“You think your job’s on the line?” 

“Yes.” I whisper looking down. 

He pulls back and looks away, blowing a long breath out. “Wow.” 

“I can fix it, Josh, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.” I say and his head snaps back to my direction. 

“With what?” he asks immediately. 

“Danny’s not the only one with Mandy’s memo.” I confess quietly. “I have it. I have the story written. But I just can’t seem to email it, Josh.” 

I finally look up and meet his eyes. I thought he’d be pissed. He hates getting blindsided by me. 

“Mandy’s memo?” he asks. “What memo?” 

My eyes go wide when I realize they didn’t know about it yet. “I thought CJ knew.” 

“Knew what, Donna?” 

“Danny and I have…” I start and take a deep breath. “Mandy wrote a memo while she was working for Lloyd Russell. It’s a strategy memo on how to beat you guys in three years.” 

He drops his head back against the couch and closes his eyes. “God, how bad is it?” he groans. 

“It’s pretty bad.” I admit. 

“And you and Danny have it?” 

“Yeah.” 

“You weren’t going to tell me?” 

“I don’t know! This is my problem, Josh. I can save my job with this. Danny hasn’t filed his yet either. But, if I file it, Josh, it’s going to cause…” 

“Oh, I can imagine.” 

We’re quiet for a little while, and I know he’s lost in thought about what to do here. A good friend would tell me to screw it and file the story and save my job. Politics isn’t personal, after all. But the Deputy Chief of Staff doesn’t want that story out there. Their media director wrote an op memo and didn’t turn it over or delete it when she was hired? It’s not that it’s damaging, but it’s totally embarrassing. Especially since Mandy, as much as I hate her breathing guts, is spot on in it. 

“I wanted to tell you, Josh, but I just didn’t know what to do.” I continue. 

His head is still resting on the back of the couch and he opens his eyes and turns to look at me. “What you’re going to do is file it, Donna.” He says firmly. 

“What?” 

“You have to.” He nods. 

“And what are you going to do when it runs?” I ask incredulously. 

“My job.” He says, picking his head up now and turning his body to face me. “And while I’m doing my job, you’re going to be writing a second story about how the President will be nominating John Bacon and Patricia Calhoun for the two open FEC seats.” 

“Are you insane?” 

“Yeah, a little bit.” He nods. 

“John Bacon and Patricia Calhoun.” 

“Yup.” 

“The leadership’s going to freak.” 

“I know.” He smirks. “Steve Onorato threatened me with a legislative agenda that’ll make the President sit down and cry. The senator threatened to pull out my lungs with an ice cream scoop.” 

“Josh,” I say hesitantly. It’s taking all of my willpower to resist him right now. He’s sexy as all hell when he’s in full political operative mode. “I don’t think you want to egg Steve Onorato on.” 

“Whatever.” 

“Josh, he knows about Sam and the call girl.” 

“You know that for certain?” And I nod my head. “He gave it to you?” 

“Yeah.” I reply. “I’m obviously not writing it. I’m not out to embarrass Sam, but he’ll use it for this.” 

“Sam’s ready.” 

“Josh.” 

“He’s ready, Donna. He knows sooner or later it’s going to come out. Steve Onorato’s welcome to his temper tantrum and I’m going to tell his boss where to put his legislative agenda.” 

“When’s the President announcing this?” 

“The speech in two nights. The New York Times can run it in their evening edition.” 

“You know, I’m not all that nice about the memo.” I say cautiously. 

“I figured.” 

“I love my job, Josh, I just…” 

“Donna, Danny would be writing about it anyway.” He says shaking his head. “I’m good at my job, and maybe this is what the President needs to start getting serious.” 

I really love him. I love his mind. I’ve been around long enough to know that he just fixed things for both of us. He saved my job by telling me to write the piece, and he took care of the damage control by immediately moving me to the FEC appointments. President Bartlet’s brilliant but he still seems to be in shock that he won. I can see how frustrated Josh, Toby and Sam get that they can’t get into it on anything. There’s going to be a lot of retribution coming to them over this FEC thing. 

“Thank you, Josh.” I whisper. 

“Anytime.” 

“Well, you’re not going to be saying that when CJ’s ripping into you tomorrow.” 

“I can take CJ.” 

I lean in and kiss him. He’s immediately responsive, like he’s been waiting for it and we gently ease back and stretch out on the couch. I wonder if this is the night that we’re going to cross over that final line. I want to. Oh God, I want this man. But once we go there, there’s no going back. There’s no denying a relationship, though I’m not a hundred percent sure we can deny it now either. 

 

JOSH’S POV 

Not nice about Mandy’s memo? My ass! Talk about an understatement! She’s ruthless! She agreed with her three fucking times AND elaborated! 

I take a deep breath and toss the New York Times onto my desk, reminding myself that I told her print it. I told her to file the story. I did not ask her to see it first, not that I thought she’d show me if I did. 

The connecting door from CJ’s office busts open. She drops a copy of Danny’s article onto my desk. “Danny’s isn’t any nicer.” She announces. We don’t actually have a copy of the memo at this time. Mandy hasn’t brought it to us yet. 

“Did you know about this?” CJ demands. 

“Did you?” 

“No.” 

“She told me.” I confess. 

“AND YOU LET HER PRINT IT!?” 

“Excuse me, CJ?” I reply rising to my feet. 

“Josh! Whose side are you on?” 

Okay. Well that was way out of line. 

“You’re right, CJ. I forgot that as Deputy Chief of Staff, I’m overlord of the American media. Oh wait! No, I’m not. There’s the issue of that pesky First Amendment!” 

“You didn’t try and talk her out of it?” 

“Of course not. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway, Danny had it, too. She’s doing her job, and I’m doing mine.” 

“This is going to own the news cycle.” 

“It’s going to last 24 hours, CJ.” I reply. “Exactly until Donna’s next article prints.” 

“Which is about?” 

“FEC.” 

“You gave her Bacon and Calhoun!?” she screeches. “The President was supposed to spring that in his speech.” 

“He will. The article will run in the evening edition, moving Donna off the memo.” 

“Josh, I don’t want to be the pot calling the kettle black here…” 

“Yes, you do.” 

“Josh, you really can’t have this kind of relationship with her.” CJ says lowering her voice and softening her tone. “I know you care about her, but she’s a White House reporter and you’re the Deputy Chief of Staff. It’s really not all that appropriate.” 

“How is it not appropriate? She doesn’t work for me.” 

“Exactly. Her loyalty isn’t to you.” 

I absorb that comment and think about what Donna said about almost losing her job. I think about the things that I’ve told her that Donna could have broke, but didn’t because I was telling her about it as a friend that needed an ear. Her loyalty IS turning out to be to me, and that’s very good and very bad at the same time. 

“Where’s the difference, CJ?” I ask her lowering my voice. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You have the same thing with Danny and YOU’RE the press secretary.” 

“Danny and I aren’t together.” 

“Donna and I aren’t together.” 

“Oh come on, Josh.” CJ scoffs. “You and Donna are a lot more like a relationship than me and Danny are.” 

“That doesn’t even make any sense.” I reply. 

“The others are watching, Josh.” She says. She sounds like she’s almost pleading. “They’re watching you and I closely.” 

“Yet, you still give Danny the leaks and the follow ups, and the head starts.” 

“He’s the senior White House correspondent, Josh.” She replies. “He’s got seniority.” 

“I don’t leak anything to Donna.” 

“Except Bacon and Calhoun.” 

“Which was an on the fly strategy to get everyone off this memo.” I retort. 

“I know you care about her, Josh.” CJ says softly. “It’s like looking in a mirror. But you serve at the pleasure of the President, and it was your choice to do that. You made the choice not to have it both ways.” 

I drop down into my chair as the fight goes out of me. I can’t give up Donna; I can’t give up my job. Where the hell is the happy median? 

TBC


	13. Off the Record

Donna POV 

Josh is finally home and while it's a blessing that he's out of the hospital and well on his way to recovery, it is also harder to be around him and not have the senior staff trying to keep me at bay when political issues arise. 

I came out to the front steps tonight while Josh is talking to Leo not to give the allusion of privacy, but to get some perspective. I love him and I almost lost him and through all of that CJ and almost all of the rest of the senior staff have treated me like I was only out for the story. Even after I lost my job I was treated no differently. 

I wrap my arms around my legs, pulling them close to my chest and drop my head to my knees. Silently I wonder if it was all worth it. My thoughts are broken when I hear, 

"Tell me he had a four course meal of shoe leather tonight?" 

I smile slightly as I look up at Sam. 

"He's on the phone with Leo and even though I'm not a White House reporter any more I thought it better to step outside so none of you would have a reason to question me or my place in Josh's life." 

Sam nods his head with a look of regret painting over his features. 

"Have I told you how sorry we all are that you're no longer in CJ's press room?" 

"Josh has mentioned how you all feel, yes. He specifically mentioned it when he was groveling after his whole reading through emails he shouldn't have." 

 

Sam POV 

"Yeah that was a stupid move on his part. But I hear for a political operative he was good at the groveling." 

Her reply does make me laugh, 

"I'm not an elected official he can tell to shove my legislative agenda up my ass. If he wants me in his life that would actually be an unwise choice of words so he mustered up the ability to grovel like a champ." 

This is not going the way I planned. Why can't I just suck it up and apologize for how we all treated Donna. After a deep breath I try again, 

"Listen Donna, we all feel terrible about what happened at the paper and how you lost your job. We feel even worse about how we acted at the Newseum after the ambulance took Josh and then again at the hospital. I don't know if you can forgive us for being a group of prized asses, but they thought they were doing the right thing keeping you away." 

I see the flash of recognition on her face and I know she's been transported back to the Newseum. Even her breathing changes. Her reply is so soft I have to sit next to her to hear it at first. 

"You don't have to apologize Sam. You were the one that picked up my press badges and put them back around my neck while I watched over Josh. You didn't bring him the papers like he would beg of you to and you kept the secret about my getting fired. You get a pass Sam." 

 

Donna POV 

"But I shouldn't you know. I shouldn't get a pass because I didn't stand up for you. I didn't tell them that my best friend was happier with you than I'd ever seen him. I didn't…" 

I watch as this well-spoken, gorgeous, sensitive man, breaks down on the front steps of Josh's building. I wrap my arm around him and try to soothe his broken soul. 

"Sam you can't do this. Not to yourself and certainly not to me. I can't keep one more person together. Josh is enough right now. I don't think I've fully processed everything we've all been through." 

After a moment, Sam asks, 

"How did you do it?" 

"Do what?" 

"Run into the night air when none of us were one hundred percent certain that the shooters were down? You argued with a Secret Service agent, ripped your badges off and sprinted over to where Josh was laying on the ground with Toby. You were safe, you were inside and nothing could happen to you and with complete disregard for your own safety you ran out into the night air to be by Josh's side." 

I look at Sam for a moment and wonder how I can explain this to him. It finally occurs to me that I need to tell it from Josh's perspective. 

"Josh would have wanted me to be safe where I was. That wasn't in the cards for me. I fought the Secret Service agent and I would have fought you. Should you have stopped, grabbed me and physically brought me back inside the building. As his best friend, probably. As my friend, you let me go to him, knowing that was where I needed to be. Right before the shooting, Josh and I were arguing. Looking back, it seems like such huge waste of time. But do you know what we were arguing about?" 

I watch as Sam shakes his head no. 

"We were arguing about this relationship being doomed to fail because of our jobs. We were arguing about how we couldn't figure out a way to be together." 

Sam internalizes that for a moment before I continue, 

"So Josh would have wanted me to be safe, and all I wanted was Josh to be safe. Running out of the building and being with him when I wasn't completely certain we all were safe was a risk that, at the time, didn't factor into my decision. The same way it didn't factor in to Josh asking Toby if I was ok. The man was lying, bleeding on the sidewalk and all he wanted to know was if I was ok. Imagine how Toby must have felt hearing Josh ask that question. About a reporter no less! The argument was stupid. As it turns out, our jobs, which were the cause of so much stress for us, ended up being even more stress and then suddenly, when I got fired, Poof! Stress gone." 

 

Josh POV 

I've been standing in the entryway to my apartment listening to her talk to Sam. Sam has felt much guilt since the shooting and none of us know how to help him. I admit I'm angry with the senior staff, including Sam but I see tonight he needs help. I've listened to them, hoping Donna can help him. But now it's time for me to interject, 

"The stress hasn't completely gone away has it?" 

I offer in a whisper. I watch Donna's back stiffen at my voice before she pulls on her mask and pops up to turn around. When I can see her, I notice the sparkle in her eyes is fading and her determined spirit is in need of rejuvenation. 

"The stress for the two of you, whatever CJ and Toby put you both through, hasn't gone away right? I mean that's why you're here Sam. To try to apologize for something you didn't do but should have?" 

Sam is certainly the weaker of the two people in front of me, but he also has to know that I understand where he is coming from. 

"Sam you did what you thought was right based on CJ and Toby's leadership or lack thereof. We'll be fine, I promise you that." 

I walk over to Sam and wrap my arm around him in what can only be termed as a very awkward but manly hug and as I do, I whisper in his ear so Donna can't hear, 

"If you ever hurt her again, you'll live to regret it. Best friend of mine or not." 

 

Donna POV 

What the hell did Josh whisper in Sam's ear? Sam just went from pale to nearly translucent. Every once in a while Josh acts a bit off, like something momentarily snaps inside him. At first I thought it must just be me; I'm reading too much into it. He's been through enough but just now. That freaked me out a bit. 

I feel Josh's arms come around me and smile. These brief moments are worth the stress right now. The knowledge that he is alive to be with me is the only thing that matters. 

"Sam, I'm really tired and I'm sure Josh is, though he won't admit it. We'll see you soon?" 

Sam nods at us and then leans over to kiss my cheek. He steps back and says, 

"I am sorry Donna. We never meant to hurt you." 

 

Sam POV 

Josh is acting very edgy. Something isn't right. Donna caught it just now and I know she's going to try to talk to him about it. 

As I lean over to kiss her cheek, I see Josh grip her more tightly. I wish I could convince him I'm not out to hurt him or her and I certainly don't want to interfere in their relationship. 

"Good night guys. I'll see you soon." 

As I turn to leave, I see Josh visibly relax. I hope he's going to be ok. 

 

Donna POV 

"OK Joshua, what is wrong?" 

Nothing like a little bluntness. He turns away from me to walk inside and presumes I'm going to follow him. I will, eventually, but I don't want to see him terrorize his friends and that comes first right now. 

"I'm fine Donna, just tired. Can we go inside?" 

His level of frustration is growing by the second and I don't want him not sleeping so I nod my head and follow him. My concern for his over-all well being overtakes my concern for what is wrong with him emotionally. 

Once inside, he seems to settle back down. He paces the living room for a few laps before declaring, 

 

Josh POV 

"Bed, time for bed. I'm tired. Are you tired?" 

She looks tired. I wish I knew why I felt so jumpy. I just know right now I want to lay down with her and hold her and feel safe. 

Yes, I need Donna right now to feel safe. It was different in the hospital. The people there were paid to take care of me. If Donna leaves who is going to take care of me? 

I watch her change and crawl into bed with me. When she's settled, I wrap myself around her. I smell her shampoo and I hear her breathing settle down and I know she's almost asleep. 

Maybe now it will be ok to go to sleep. 

 

Donna POV 

He wants me to go to sleep and that is something I can do. I get the feeling the apologies aren't over with yet. Sam was just the beginning. 

I settle back against Josh and sigh. I feel him unwind as he curls around me. These are the moments I would have never recovered from losing if the worst had happened at the Newseum. 

Suddenly I hear Josh whisper, 

"I love you Donna. I also desperately need you." 

He thinks I'm asleep. I'm sure of it. But to let him know I'm not, 

"I love you too Joshua. I'm not going anywhere so feel free to need me all you want." 

With a kiss to my neck I feel Josh give in and let his body sleep. 

 

Josh POV 

I'm sitting here listening to CJ ramble on about psychics and I know she's doing it to get a rise out of me. It's a game we play. 

I also know she's trying to wait for Donna. She and Donna haven't spoken all that much recently and it's a conversation they both need to have. I'm pissed at CJ but I also know that without her, the press would have been ten times worse at GW hospital. 

Donna's been around so much that not having her here is making me a bit off. Sam stopped by last night and I know the senior staff is trying their best to have their own `come to Jesus' moments with her to repair the damage they did. 

So Donna is at her place and I'm here with CJ and all in all, it's an awkward and uncomfortable day. The couch just isn't comfortable, for CJ or I so I pick up the remote and click the TV on to CNN. We both breathe a sigh of relief that a conversation we didn't want to have, is not going to be had because the news is on. 

And yes the irony of the fact that normally we make the news doesn't escape me in this situation. 

 

Donna POV 

My house has been invaded by dust bunnies. The mail is about to stage a coup to take over the place and I think the answering machine might be ready to explode if that furiously blinking red light is any indication. 

Who the hell is knocking on my door? 

I look through the peephole and see Toby standing there. Huh. That's a new one. I wonder what the hell he wants. CJ must have told him I was headed home when she arrived at Josh's. Josh called me from the bedroom to tell me CJ was there. I think he wanted to avoid a confrontation if I got back and she was there. Though he did say he thought she actually wanted to talk to me. I'll deal with that in a bit. 

Let's find out what the Communications Director is after, shall we? I tug the door open and see Toby shift from foot to foot. 

"Nervous energy isn't a good look for the Communications Director of the Bartlet White House." 

I never said I was going to make his life easy, did I? 

"I deserved that." He replies, 

"And so much more." I finish. 

"May I come in?" 

"May I ask why?" 

I stand with my body blocking the slightly open door. I'm sorry I can't make this easy on him. I can't. Between CJ and Toby I almost didn't get the chance to be with Josh when he needed me. 

"I behaved horribly from the night at the Newseum going forward. I need you to understand that it has nothing to do with you; rather it has to do with who Josh is and how the press was going to react. I should have, in the time of tragedy, been able to find a way to allow you two just to be. Or maybe I shouldn't have cared that much about the press and the administration while Josh was laying there bleeding and asking for you." 

 

Toby POV 

I need Donna's forgiveness. Why exactly I'm not sure but I know I need her forgiveness. Even my Rabbi said I need to seek out her forgiveness and grace. Her next words stun me, 

"I knelt on that cold, hard, unforgiving and unyielding sidewalk cradling Josh's head in my lap, holding my hands over his in an attempt to keep his blood from running out through our fingers and away from his body that so desperately needed his blood." 

She turns away from me and walks deeper into her apartment. I take this as her acceptance that I'm here for a reason and I walk in behind her. When the door closes she continues, 

"You wrote a memo Toby, that the President didn't want to be sheltered leaving buildings. The Secret Service followed that memo to the letter. That memo nearly got Josh killed. The memo could have gotten the President killed. Given your track record, I'm not all that inclined to believe that you are remorseful, in hindsight, for being worried about how this relationship between he and I was going to look to the press as he was DYING Toby." 

The mark of a good journalist is measured by many things. Rendering the reader speechless is just one thing that can show the reporter's chops. 

 

Donna POV 

I know I just stunned Toby silent and that's a good thing. I can't bear to hear how sorry he is right now. Then I hear, 

"He's happier with you than I've ever seen him. He loves his job but he's found something that makes him question if his job is enough in his life. His life revolved around his job for so long and you come into his life and suddenly there is a new side to Josh we have to deal with. I'll be the first to admit I've fallen short in the personal life department. Andrea will attest to that but Donna, Josh is still going to work at the White House and you're still going to be a `former' White House Correspondent. We need to find a way to co-exist. If only for Josh's sake." 

I contemplate his words and know on some level he is right. I just can't let this go. It's too much. 

"Toby, can you take me back to Josh's?" 

 

Toby POV 

Is she serious? CJ is there. I tug on my beard a few times and then nod in acquiescence. Maybe if I'm there I can stop a complete detonation and in front of Josh I think Donna will be a bit more restrained. 

"Of course. Shall I wait for you downstairs?" 

"No, have a seat I'll just be a few minutes." 

She wants me to stew about this. I can feel it. She wants me to sit here while she gathers her things and just wait for the impending explosion. 

After a few minutes I look up and she's got two large duffle bags, one on either shoulder. I stand to take them from her and while she relinquishes one, she holds firm to the other. 

"Shall we head out?" 

Nodding, she motions to me to move ahead of her. As I do, I also offer, 

"CJ is at Josh's you know." 

"I know I figure by the time I get there I can have the conversation once with all of you instead of three times. Sam should be there by the time we get there as well. I called Josh to have him call Sam over." 

Lovely. 

 

Donna POV 

The ride to Josh's is fairly quick and completely quiet. I gather my thoughts and I know I should try to allay some of Toby's concerns but I'm determined to do this conversation once and for all. 

As we pull up to Josh's, Toby slows the car down and let's me out in front. He then continues on for a spot. As I walk up Josh's stairs I think back to how hard it was for Josh to walk up the stairs the day we brought him home. I also remember how grateful I was that he was in pain walking up the steps. Not grateful for the pain but grateful for the fact he was alive to feel the pain. 

I reach the top of the stairs and I swipe at the stray tears that are falling. From behind, I feel a bag being lifted off my shoulder and turn to see Sam, hoisting my bag onto his own shoulder and then extending a handkerchief to me. 

Toby holds the door to usher us in and we make our way to Josh's apartment. 

>< >   
Leo POV 

I swear this crack team of employees that Josh helped me put together is going to be the death of me yet. 

My agents are outside Josh's door and I'm sitting here with CJ and Josh who, for the better part of the last few minutes haven't said a word to one another. 

Bratty children, the two of them, I should ground them. Then again that didn't work well with Mallory. 

Oh thank God that's the door. I turn, along with CJ and Josh to see who is entering and it seems that we have the remainder of the Communications department's senior staff as well as a former White House reporter. 

"So nice of you to join us…" I offer 

>< >

Josh POV 

Oh shit, Leo's pissed. Course Donna's more pissed so this should be good. Who brought the popcorn?? 

I try to give Donna a look that will calm her down but Leo pressed just the right button on the one person who virtually hasn't left my side. 

 

Donna POV 

Who the HELL does the Chief of Staff think he is? I haven't left Josh's side for more than a few minutes since he was shot. Leo McGarry thinks he can criticize me? 

He's got another thing coming… 

 

Leo POV 

The people in this room, my staff, seem to feel my words were a bit Harsh if the looks on their faces tell me anything. Besides the fact that I have agents standing outside the door who will stop anything from happening, I need to get a rise out of Donna so she blows up, takes CJ, Toby and Sam to task and if need be, me. She needs to let go of this anger before it eats her alive. 

I know of what I speak. My anger found me seeking relief in bottles of scotch years ago. 

 

Donna POV 

"Everyone sit. There are a few things I need to say and you all need to listen." 

I watch as they take seats. I pace for a moment having picked up one of Josh's more annoying habits in order to gather my thoughts and then finally I begin. 

"All of you had issues with me when I was a White House reporter. You thought it would create issues and on some level it did. Josh and I actually fought right before the shooting happened. He had kissed me in the side hallway, we had a bit of a fight and then he walked outside. He walked outside as gunfire rang out through the night sky." 

I take a breath before I continue, 

"Without regard for himself he kept going. Whether he was looking for any of you or the President, I don't know. What I do know is that he didn't come back inside to me and to where he'd be safe. Toby found him on the ground, bleeding and half unconscious. His first thought was of me. When I heard the gunfire and I tried to exit the building to find him, my first thought was of him. The secret service tried to stop me, Josh asked Toby where I was and if I was ok. I busted free from the Secret Service and made my way to Josh. Sam picked up my press badges and put them back on me." 

 

Josh POV 

Ok so this is a hell of a lot harder to hear than I imagined it would be. As Donna speaks softly again, I hear the anger rising. 

"Sam is the only one of you who has treated me with any decency. Sure, you all abided by Sara Lyman's wishes. But you did so begrudgingly. It would have been easier for all of us if I weren't a White House reporter. Lest we forget I lost a job I loved and had worked my entire life for, while not providing inside scoop during Josh's surgery and recovery. I never would have done that. None of you believed in me, my love for Josh or my integrity enough to know I wouldn't do that. Toby, you didn't want me near the situation and CJ you flat out told me No Press." 

 

CJ POV 

Ok so this is where I get raked over the coals. I need to add, 

"Donna if you could just try to see it…" 

"Try to see it?? " damn did she just explode. 

"There is nothing to see from your perspective CJ. You said clearly NO PRESS. That meant me. You didn't say `Donna we're going to do our best to get you in there for Josh because that is what he would want.' You didn't say `Donna we know you're hurting and scared and we're going to figure this out. We'll talk to Leo and make sure the agents let you in.' No you did none of that." 

She's right, I can't deny that fact. We tried to keep her away. 

 

Leo POV 

Josh has himself one hell of a woman. 

< >

Josh POV 

Donna's really hot when she's angry and fighting for us. Hhmm… that's interesting, we should explore her hotness a bit later when all these morons leave. 

< >

Donna POV 

"I have Josh's blood on my hands. None of you seem to get that. I sat there trying to help him keep his blood inside and it spilled onto my hands and my clothing and when I close my eyes at night all I see is his blood on my hands. But all of you, all of you have the blood and tears of the two of us on your hands." 

I need a moment. 

And another moment. 

Ok, where was I? 

"You said no press. But I wasn't the press that day. I wasn't the press when Josh and I were on that sidewalk and I was begging him to stay with me and to not die. The ambulance took him away from me and then you all took him from me." 

CJ stand and comes over to me as she begins to speak, 

"We were wrong Donna. So very wrong. But you have to see it from my perspective. I had just been shot at. I had just watched my co- workers experience something we had been briefed on but never thought would happen. It's my job to protect the people in this room from the Press. I can't do my job if I let my emotions factor in to this. I couldn't risk you being in the formula when I had to protect Josh. Josh was my focus." 

 

CJ POV 

She has to understand I may tease them but these boys, these men, these statesmen are my responsibility. I stand on the tracks for them every day in the Press Room. I spin their mistakes and announce their victories. 

I can grasp why she's upset but I didn't go running to look for Danny. Nor did he come running to look for me. We know the ways of our jobs. Maybe I should tell her that, 

"Donna, I didn't go running for Danny. I wanted to but I knew I couldn't. I knew I had a job to do." 

 

Leo POV 

Oh Claudia Jean that was the wrong thing to say. Let me do some damage control, 

"CJ you didn't go running for Danny because he was frantically looking for you. The Secret Service wouldn't let him out and after Donna broke free they held tight to everyone else. I was briefed on everything after the fact. Danny made every attempt to get to you just as fast as Donna made every attempt to get to Josh. Don't hide behind the job CJ." 

Once CJ looks sufficiently taken off balance I turn to Donna. I take her hands in mine and look to Josh before I begin. This is my mea culpa. 

"I'm the Chief of Staff. The people in this room all report, ultimately to me. You can be angry with each of them or none of them. The choice is yours. But the one person you need to be angry at is me. I was the one that had the power to overrule whatever they said and I didn't. I misplaced my fear and didn't see the forest for the trees." 

God I could use a drink. 

 

Donna POV 

I watch as Leo speaks and I can't believe I'm hearing these words, 

"I promised Josh's father I'd protect him and he nearly was assassinated on my watch. I had to tell Sara Lyman that her son, her only surviving child might die. I would have done anything to protect Josh and that included making sure you were as far from him as possible. He was already going to be the news story for more cycles than any of us cared to think about. I wasn't going to have to worry that he'd be scooped by a White House correspondent who supposedly was in love with him." 

Josh tries to stop Leo but with a firm look Leo stops him in his tracks so he can continue, 

< >

Josh POV 

Leo's words create emotions in me I'm not used to feeling when it comes to Leo. 

"I brought him on to the Bartlet For America campaign because I knew he could get Jed Barlet elected. We are here because of Josh and Josh was shot because of me." 

I have to say something, 

"Leo you didn't cause this. You aren't part of the West Virgina White Pride and you didn't know this would happen. It was a chance but I feel confident saying that none of us would give up the opportunities we've had because of the chance of something like this happening." 

I look at Donna, I see the tears threatening to fall and I continue with, 

"If we're in the White House because of me and this team, then we're here also because of you. You had the vision to know Josiah Bartlet was the best thing for this country. We were able to convince the voters of that. And if we're in the White House because of all of this," 

I stop and move to Donna's side, wrapping my arms around her, I finish, 

"Then I have you to thank for Donna being in my life." 

 

Donna POV 

I was able to not cry until Josh's last line. I speak softly when I address them, 

"Don't ever again doubt my love for this man or the lengths I'll go to, to be allowed to love him and protect him." 

As Josh kisses my temple he says to the assembled group, 

 

Josh POV 

"We live our lives in the public eye, everything we do is available for public consumption. We live our lives 99% of the time on the record. My times with Donna, my love for Donna, my private life, those are the time that are off the record." 

TBC


	14. Off the Record

Josh's POV: 

"It's not a big thing. I just don't want to deal with work right now, okay?" 

I sighed and leaned back toward her neck so I could return to kissing it. 

"We'll have to deal with it later tonight." Donna told me. "I'm covering the Town Hall." 

I sat straight up. "Since when?" 

"Since Adam's wife went into labor and the event got re-assigned. " Donna explained. 

"Early labor? But that can take hours…days even." I got up to pace. "Couldn't he just go to the Town Hall and have his wife call when it got really close?" 

"I think his wife might not like that plan." Donna drawled. 

"She knew what she was getting into when she married a reporter. It's like being married to a doctor. Your spouse can be pulled away by urgent business at any time." My hands flew all over the place. 

"I don't think she equated reporting with life saving medical treatment." Donna surmised. "Maybe if the President declared war or something historic like that he could buy a few hours but…" 

"Maybe the Town Hall will be historic and he'll miss it." I threatened. 

"President Bartlet is planning something historic for tonight, is he?" Donna asked. 

"You never know. He could be. He frequently goes off text." 

"Yes, I know. I can usually tell by the shade of purple on Toby's face." Donna laughed. 

"So, theoretically, he could make a major announcement and what's his name-" 

"Adam." Donna supplied. 

"Yeah, whatever. Adam will miss it and his career will be ruined. He will be unable to provide for his wife and soon to be born child. He really should work this instead of you. What do you think about that?" 

"I'm thinking… you're wasted in Operations. You really should be in Communications so you can utilize this wonderful capacity for spin you've developed." Donna teased. 

"I'll look into it." I drawled. "You said you weren't going to be working tonight." 

"And I wasn't going to be at the time that I said that." Donna repeated. "What's the big deal? You're working the Town Hall tonight, too. It's not like we could have done something together if I was free." 

"No, but if you weren't working we could have done something afterward. Now, you're going to have to write and file…" I sat down heavily in the corner chair of my apartment, sincerely depressed. "Couldn't you try to convince Adam to cover it? Maybe if I get   
the President to speak very fast so he can get back to his wife quickly?" 

Donna smiled sadly and got up to walk over to me. "Like that would EVER happen…Let's forget about the Town Hall for a bit. Why don't you tell me what you thought of my piece on the budget." Donna sat down in my lap and looped her arms around my neck. 

"It was more opinion than fact." I pouted. 

"That's why it was on the op/ed page, Joshua." Donna kissed my ear. 

"You could have been nicer to us about it." I noted. 

"You want me to give the Administration preferential treatment because of our relationship?" Donna asked with eyebrows raised. 

"Yes?" I tried. 

"How about I give YOU preferential treatment because of our relationship? " Donna offered instead and took my earlobe gently between her teeth. 

"What…kind…of preferential… treatment?" I groaned as her lips wandered across my face. 

"I was thinking…a one on one…extended…and   
exclusive…intimate… interview… " Donna began unbuttoning my shirt and let her lips continue on their journey down my throat. 

"Well…okay…but I think you should know I'm a pillar of steel when it comes to protecting the secrets of the President." I moaned when he tongue does this thing where she... 

"Really?" Donna smiled, but it wasn't the good kind of smile. Well, maybe it was a kind of good smile, but... "And just what kind of secrets does the President have?" She asked as she pulled my shirt off my shoulders. 

"I'll never tell." I promised. "No matter what you do...I will never…God, Donna, wait a second!" I yelped when I realized her fingers had moved considerably south. 

"You know what turns me on, Joshua?" Donna purred. 

"Ummmm…No?" I replied helplessly. 

"Political operatives telling off the Vice President of the United States." She murmured and I suddenly sat up straight, all thoughts of hot sex drummed from my head; well, mostly drummed from my head. 

"Okay. You need to tell me who your source is right now, Donnatella Moss. I mean it." I threatened. The woman laughed at me; just LAUGHED. 

"You've tried battling Jed Bartlet when he's right, and you've tried battling him when he's popular. Why would you want to try it when he's both?" She quoted me back to me and my eyes bugged out. 

"DONNA!" I screeched. 

"He probably WOULD be President right now if he'd listened to you back then." She raised her eyes to the ceiling as if she were contemplating the odds. "Yeah, probably." 

"The only people there were me and the Vice President." I protested and she shrugged again. Then it hits me. "You got a SECRET SERVICE AGENT to spill to you?" 

"I'm a pillar of journalistic steel. You will NEVER get my sources from me." She said all mocking and got up to walk away from me. "No matter what you do…or how you try…" She continued walking away and I'm bummed that not only don't I know who her source is, but I just distracted her from the hot sex we were about to have. I watched longingly as she got farther and farther from me and closer and closer to the bedroom…Wait! Closer to the bedroom? Then she wasn't… 

I broke into a run to catch up to her just as she crossed the threshold to the bedroom and picked her up, only to tackle her onto my bed. Her lungs emptied with a `whoosh' and I didn't give her a chance to draw breath again before I took her mouth with mine. 

"Do you know what turns me on, Donnatella?" I asked her when we came up for air. She simply shook her head `no'. I can do that, you know, make Donna Moss breathless…speechles s…on occasion, anyway. "Your sharp mind and your amazing body. Either one on their own is quite extraordinary." I explained while I used my hands to outline the aforementioned body. "But you put the two together and the result is mindboggling." 

She looks at me with heavy lidded eyes and I feel my blood go hot throughout my body. I pull her sweater over her head and with a flick of a wrist, divest her of her incredibly sexy black bra. She was lying half naked on my bed and I thought I'd lose my mind before I could claim her. I slid the zipper of her pants down with one hand, while stroking the exposed flesh with my other hand and watched her eyes close and her head fall back before moving side to side in pleasure. 

"I love it when you argue with me." I punctuated that statement with a kiss near her navel. "When you give me one of your impassioned arguments it makes your eyes light up and your face gets all flushed." I moved my mouth farther down her body while my hands finished removing her clothes. "And all I can think of is that's exactly how you look when I'm inside you." 

Her eyes shot open at that comment and her mouth formed a perfect `oh'. "I want you inside me now, Joshua." She admitted. 

"Not. Quite. Yet." I teased and moved back up until we were eye to eye again. "First things first." I gave her lips a quick kiss before my eyes dropped down to her incredible breasts. I took one perfect peak into my mouth and Donna groaned. 

"What? What's first?" She begged to know while her body writhed underneath mine. 

"First…" I release her breast to give equal attention to the second breast. "First you need to tell me who your source was today." I whispered and traced the outline of her ear with my tongue. 

"You…bastard! " She laughed and pushed me off of her, but rolled over so she was lying across my partially naked body; a situation I hoped would be remedied very soon. 

"You think you can just move those skillful hands and masterful mouth over my body and I'll just tell you anything you want to know?" She asked. 

"Masterful?" I keyed in on the one word I liked best. 

She laughed again. "Joshua! Pay attention here. I'm not revealing my source. End of discussion." Then she moved her body so that her legs straddled my waist. "We don't need to discuss anything at all, do we?" 

"No, no we certainly do not." I agreed. Her long, blond hair draped us both when she leaned down to kiss me. Her tongue met mine in a dance that set my entire nervous system on edge. How could one woman render me completely helpless with a single kiss? Well, the naked body didn't hurt either, but it was mostly the kiss. I searched my mind, trying to determine if I'd ever felt this way about another woman and the resounding answer was `no'. 

Suddenly, I wasn't in a hurry anymore despite the fact that I knew we both had to report for work soon and this was borrowed time. I still needed her, desperately needed her, but I wanted to draw it out and revel in every look and touch between us. 

Donna seemed to sense it too, because her movements became slower, more languorous. She helped me remove the last of my clothing and kissed every inch she uncovered. Her hand stroked me until I thought I would   
explode and I begged her to stop. 

From that point on, things moved at an accelerated rate. I pushed her back into the mattress until I was positioned over her, poised to enter. "I love you, Donna." I whispered as our bodies joined. "I always will." 

Her eyes welled up with tears at the sincerity of my words. I know she knows that I love her, but I got the feeling that I don't always tell her as often as I should. The nature of our relationship, with me   
working in the executive branch of Government and her working for the 4th estate, has been fraught with pitfalls and stress, but it has become increasingly clear to me that these moments with her are worth every bit of it. Just having her in my life has been worth every bit of it. 

"I love you too, Joshua." I loved how she said my name right there. The only other person to call me Joshua is my mother but believe me when I tell you that when it comes out of Donna's mouth, it elicits and entirely different kind of response from me. She started to move with a rhythm I easily matched and I could feel her body start to coil as it does just before she hits her release so I quickened the pace. She called my name over and over and that alone nearly put me over the edge. 

I whispered all kinds of words to her; how beautiful she was, how much she excited me, and how I loved to be buried inside her. She threw her head back as her body convulsed with pleasure and I followed right behind her. Exhausted physically and emotionally I collapsed on top of her and tried to catch my breath. 

"You're going to send me to an early grave, I swear." I muttered and could feel her chuckle beneath me. 

"Then I'm going with you, because I couldn't go on without you. You've spoiled me for all other men." She replied. 

"See? That was my brilliant plan all along." I explained while I rolled onto my back next to her. My arm stayed around her though. I wasn't ready to give up that physical contact yet. "Lull you into a false sense of security with mind blowing sex and then…" 

"Then what?" She asked curiously. 

"Yeah…I got nothing." I admitted. 

"Nothing but the mind blowing sex?" She confirmed. "That's okay. I'll settle for that." 

"I feel so used." 

"Maybe after I file tonight, I could come over and use you again?" She posited. 

"Hell, yeah." I agreed readily and kissed her once more for fun. I purposefully avoided looking at the clock knowing it would only give me bad news about when I'd have to remove myself from Donna to go to   
the Newseum. I didn't want to think about the work that often came between us. I just wanted to lie there and relax with my woman in my arms. That's why the sound of her cell phone beeping from the pants that had been tossed onto the bedroom floor was so jarring. That's why the intrusion annoyed me so much. And that was probably why things tanked from that moment on. 

"Leave it alone." I requested calmly…okay, maybe I demanded. Maybe that's why she glared at me. 

"I can't. I'm expecting a call." She rolled her eyes at my order and reached for her pants to retrieve the pain in the ass cell phone. 

"Well you could." I countered. "I'm the Deputy Chief of Staff to the President of the United States and you don't see me diving for my phone." 

"Only because it isn't ringing, presently." She scoffed and swore when she flipped it open only to discover it had already gone to voice mail. 

"See? They'll leave a voice mail and you can return the call later." I pointed out and tried to pull her back under the covers with me. "Come back to bed, Donna. Come back to me." 

"Josh, I have to…" She broke off momentarily when I started kissing her shoulder. "Josh, stop. I need to listen to this." She pulled out of my arms, taking the comforter with her to wrap around her body as she keyed in her password. 

"Jesus, Donna, we've only got another 20 minutes before we have to leave. Surely, whatever it is can wait THAT long. It simply can't be that urgent." I told her in no uncertain terms. 

"If that is supposed to be some kind of crack about how much more important your job is than mine-" 

"Who the hell said anything about whose job was more important? I'm simply saying the likelihood of that message being some sort of earth shattering thing…What is it?" I asked when I noticed her expression grow concerned and she started grabbing her clothes and hastily donning them. 

She just shook her head at me while she finished listening to the message. 

"What?!" I demanded when she finally flipped her phone shut again. 

"I have to go." She said tersely. 

"Why? What's happening?" 

"Why is it that whenever you have to rush off you can't say a word about it, but whenever I do, you demand all the details?" She asked as she looked around the room for her shoes. 

"Because my stuff is a matter of national security and your stuff…isn't." I reasoned and got another glare as she found and slipped into her shoes. 

"My stuff may not be a matter of national security, but it is confidential. " She countered. 

"Are you going to tell me what it is?" I completely ignored her valid point. Why? Because I chose to, that's why…also, because I didn't have a good comeback worked out…yet. 

"I just got a tip that there's a problem with the space shuttle; that it's unable to land. Care to comment?" She stopped in her tracks to ask. 

I moan, not the good kind of moan either, and flop back onto the bed. "I'm not the Press Secretary or the media relations director for NASA." I hedged. 

"So that's a `no'?" She said sarcastically. 

"You're the one who's always `let's not bring work into the bedroom, Josh'." I mocked her voice a little there and then she got really pissed. 

"I didn't bring it in here, you did. You demanded to know what the call was about even when I tried to avoid answering." 

"Well…you brought the damn phone in here." I blasted away to which she merely pointed to my phone AND pager on the bedside table. "That's different! I have to carry those with me at all times; it's part of my job description." 

"And carrying mine is part of MY job description. " She exited the room in a huff and after quickly donning my boxers, I followed her out. 

"I just wanted a couple short hours without all… this intruding on us." I waved my arms around at the cell phone, her laptop briefcase, and…the whole room in general. 

"I don't have time for this right now, Josh. I'll see you later at the Newseum. I have a breaking story to cover." Donna slid the shoulder strap of her bag onto her shoulder and walked toward the front door. 

"There's ALWAYS a breaking story, Donna. Would it kill you to let someone else cover it for 20 damn minutes?" 

She looked back at me then with genuine sorrow on her face. "It's my job, Josh. I've worked all my life to get here, to do this. Please don't ask me to choose between my job and you." 

"Oh, don't worry, I won't." I sneered. "You know why? Because I know exactly where I'd come down in that epic battle; second!" 

Her eyes got big and tears welled up threatening to fall but I didn't offer any apologies. I was sick and tired of her always choosing her job first even as I realized that I had never chosen any differently when it came to her and my job. 

So with a curt nod of her head and a puff of expelled breath she opened the door, walked determinedly through it and slammed it closed behind her. 

Shit. 

I decided I might as well get a shower and dress for the town hall. There was nothing and no one to stick around here for. And from the way we left things, there might not be for a long, long time. Maybe we'd   
get a chance to talk things out at the Newseum… 

TBC


	15. Off the Record

DONNA’S POV 

I look up from my laptop as Josh walks through his front door. He had the Congressional Christmas party tonight. I didn’t go because Leo asked me if I would meet with the psychiatrist he’s bringing in for Josh. Josh knows what I was doing and was none too pleased. 

“How was Yo Yo Ma?” I smile. 

He looks a little strange. He looks like he’s preoccupied. He’s had this look about him a lot lately. 

“He was Yo Yo Ma.” Josh says quietly with a shrug. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to see him.” 

“I missed it because of something important, Josh.” I say cautiously. 

“Whatever.” 

“You okay?” I know the answer to this. 

“Yes, Donna.” He says frustrated, running a hand through his hair. 

“Doesn’t sound it.” 

“If one more person asks me that, I’m going to fucking scream.” He snaps. He opens a bottle of Scotch, pours a healthy amount into a glass and tosses it back. 

Lovely. 

He’s getting drunk. 

Again. 

I’m going to play his game though. Even though I know he’s going to be lying the whole time. 

“Everything go okay for you at the concert?” 

His head snaps up to mine and he looks alarmed. “Yeah, of course. Why?” He answers immediately like I just busted him having an affair or something. 

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “You just sound like you’re in a bad mood, and you weren’t when you left. So I wasn’t sure if someone pissed you off tonight.” 

“No.” he says softly and looks into his drink. 

“I’m gonna go in to sleep.” I say, shutting down my laptop and rising. “You coming?” I give what I hope is a warm, inviting and safe smile. 

“In a bit.” He says not meeting my eyes. 

The smile falls from my face. We won’t discuss the last time he’s touched me. He used to find comfort in my arms. That’s not the case anymore. 

 

DONNA’S POV 

*CRASH* 

I pop up out of a dead sleep. What the hell was that? It sounded like the window breaking. I immediately turn to Josh in bed to tell him that it sounded like someone was breaking in, but the bed is empty. 

What’s going on? I thought he was coming into bed. 

“Josh?” I call out. I roll out of bed and go out into the living. What I see makes my heart stop. When I can process cognitive thought, I gasp and he snaps his head to me. 

He’s standing in the living room by a broken window and his hand is full of blood. He looks stunned. 

“Are you all right? What happened?” I ask frantically. 

“I…” 

I drag him into the bathroom and shove his hand under cold water. He hisses in surprise. There’s a banging on the door and I hear the super calling for Josh. 

“I’ll get it. Stay here.” 

I’m shaking as I move through the living room, which is freezing, and open the door for Josh’s building super. 

“Ms. Moss.” He greets. 

“Hi, Henry.” 

“Is everything all right?” 

“Um, not really. Josh had a bit of an accident.” 

The super moves to the window and assesses the damage. “Is everyone all right?” 

“Yeah. I think Josh might need stitches though.” 

“I’ll bring back some cardboard to cover the window, if you could please clean up the glass. You can fill out a report on it in the morning.” 

“Thanks, Henry.” I smile nervously and show him out, then return to the bathroom. Josh is sitting on the edge of the bathtub with his hand wrapped in gauze. I immediately take over from him. There’s pieces of glass in the cut. 

“You have to go to the emergency room.” 

“No.” he says immediately. 

“Josh, this is a deep cut and there’s glass in it. You have to have it looked at by a doctor.” 

“Donna…” he pleads. 

“What happened, Josh?” I immediately retort. I know what happened. I can draw the obvious conclusion. What I don’t understand is why? What’s going on? 

He looks up at me and my eyes fill with tears at the pain I see there. “I don’t know.” He whispers. 

“Oh come on, Josh.” I mean, how stupid am I? 

“I don’t know, Donna.” He insists. “There’s all these images in my head, and they won’t stop. The noises won’t stop. The next thing I knew, the window was broken. I don’t remember any of it.” 

“You don’t remember yelling at the President either.” 

“No.” 

He looks scared. That makes two of us. Something is going on inside that mind of his; something I am absolutely not qualified to handle. Leo’s sending him to meet with someone from ATVA tomorrow and Josh doesn’t want to go. 

“It’s always there, Donna.” He whispers without meeting my eyes. “Every time I close my eyes, it’s there.” 

“I have nightmares about that night.” I whisper back and his eyes snap up to mine. 

“You do?” he replies softly, and I nod. 

“It’s always the same. You probably don’t remember it, but I’ll never forget this moment. It’s burned in my brain. There was a point when we were waiting for help that I think you decided you weren’t going to make it. You apologized to me for not having the courage to say screw it and let us be together and then you closed your eyes. I freaked out on you for giving up. After that, it became all about keeping you conscious. But, Josh, in that moment, in that split second when I thought you were saying goodbye and I thought you were gone, my heart stopped. And that’s what happens in my nightmare. You don’t open your eyes again, no matter what I do.” 

The tears are streaming down my face and I’m overwhelmed by the need to touch him right now and reassure myself that he’s alive. I bring my hand softly up to his face. He closes his eyes for a brief second and then looks at me again. 

“You’re in all this pain, Josh. I don’t know what’s going on and I can see that you don’t either, but it’s glaringly obvious that you have to see that doctor. I don’t know what he’s going to say, but you have to believe that no matter what he says, and no matter what comes of it, it won’t change how much I love you. I promise.” 

“Donna…” he whispers. 

“I promise.” I say more firmly. “I just want you back, Josh. I’ll do whatever I have to.” 

“I love you.” He whispers. I press my lips to his and he clutches me with his uninjured hand. 

There’s a knock on the door again, and I know it’s Henry. “I’m going to go clean up the glass and help Henry.” I say standing up and pulling him to his feet. “You go get changed. I know you don’t want to and I know why, but we ARE going to the ER, Josh.” 

I step away from him, but the quiet, anguished call of my name has me immediately turning around. “I’ll be with you every second.” I promise and then I leave to open the front door. 

 

JOSH’S POV 

Donna’s strength amazes me. Where she gets it from, I don’t know, but I’m glad she’s got it because I frequently sponge off her. I’m terrified about what this shrink is going to say. I mean any way you slice it, I’m cracking up. I have nightmares, these visions won’t go away, I’m snappy, I think my assistant is going to quit. Donna tells me she’s impervious, but we both know she’s not. I’ve said some hateful things to her. They hurt her, I know they did. But she’s got this strength that she’s tapping into. 

She took me to the ER last night to get my hand stitched up. She held my other hand and whispered soothing words to me, but it didn’t help. She tired; God love her, but she tried. Nothing was going to help me last night though. I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. Dr. Bartlet was prescribing me sleeping pills that Donna was going to fill today, since tomorrow is Christmas Day. 

She’s not flying home to see her family and that’s my fault. We were supposed to both go. It was going to be a whole meet the relatives thing, but she canceled the flight last week. She didn’t think I’d be up for it. She’s right, but I don’t feel any less shitty about it. 

I can’t remember what happened last night. I’ve got this memory in my head about cutting my hand on a high ball glass, but I don’t remember seeing a broken glass, and I don’t see how a glass could have done this kind of damage. All the curtains in my apartment were closed this morning. When I asked Donna about it, she gave me an odd look and shrugged. 

Twelve hours of complete mind violation later and this doctor tells me I’ve got post traumatic stress disorder. I’m so incredibly fired. I don’t even know what they can say in the press release for that either. They can’t say why they’d be letting me go, but the secret service will never let me continue working here. 

When I walk out to the lobby, Donna and Leo are sitting there. They both stand up and she practically runs over to me. 

“How are you?” she asks very quietly. 

“Very tired.” And I look over at Leo. “Donna, could you…” 

“Sure.” She nods quickly. “I’ll just go warm up the car and bring it around.” She gives me a quick kiss on the cheek and squeezes my hand before leaving and I turn and look at Leo. 

“How'd it go?” he immediately asks. 

“He thinks I may have an eating disorder.” 

“Josh --” 

“And a fear of rectangles. That's not weird, is it?” I can see he’s not in the mood, so I decide to come clean. “I didn't cut my hand on a glass. I broke a window in my apartment.” 

“This guy's walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey, can you help me out?" The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole--can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me--can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" And the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out. As long as I got a job, you got a job--you understand?” 

I do. And I nod my head in understanding. I’m afraid we’re about to have a Sam moment here, so I sigh and look towards the door. 

“You’re really lucky to have her, you know.” He says quietly. 

“Yeah.” I agree. 

“I know you’ve gotten a lot of grief over the last few years, but somehow you managed to keep her around.” 

“I have no idea how.” I say softly looking down at my hand and stretching out my fingers. 

“I do.” Leo replies. Please God, after the day I’ve had, please do not let Leo reduce me to tears in the middle of the freaking White House. He’s getting pretty damn close. “Noah would have loved her.” 

I look back up at Leo. “Yes, he would have.” 

Donna comes back in carrying my coat and helps me shrug into. 

“Take care of him.” Leo says to her. 

“I will.” She smiles. She always does. 

“Merry Christmas, Leo.” I say. 

“Merry Christmas, son.” 

 

DONNA’S POV 

We ride home in silence. I make a quick pit stop at our favorite Italian take out place for dinner. I went shopping earlier when I filled his prescription so there’s plenty at his place to get us through until tomorrow. 

We get inside and after we eat, I curl up on the couch with him. It’s started to snow now. He wraps his arms around me and lays his head on my chest. 

“Wanna talk about it?” I ask softly. 

“I’ve been talking about it all day.” 

“I mean what the good doctor said.” 

“He said I’m crazy.” 

“Really?” I smirk. “A psychiatrist used those words?” 

“No. He said I had post-traumatic stress disorder.” 

“Okay.” I say. 

“Okay?” 

“Something’s been going on, Josh, there’s a name for it. That doesn’t make you feel a little better?” 

“No. It makes me feel weak.” 

I let out an involuntary laugh and he looks up at me in surprise. “I’m sorry, honey, I really am. It’s just the last thing in the world you are is weak. Look at all you’ve gotten through. Josh, if you were weak, you’d be dead right now.” 

He shrugs and lays his head back down. “It also means I’m not perfect.” I can feel his smirk through my clothes. 

“Joshua, I hate to break up the fantasy there, but you weren’t perfect before you were hurt either.” 

He looks up at me in mock surprise. “No?” 

“Not remotely.” 

“You seemed smitten anyway.” 

“Smitten, yes; deluded, no.” 

He brings his hand up and pushes the hair from my face. “I don’t think I’ve ever thanked you.” He said softly. 

“For?” 

“Just loving me.” He shakes his head. “I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve you, but I’m awfully glad you chose me.” 

“Well, the feeling is mutual.” 

He smiles lightly. I can feel the smart ass comeback to that ready to slide out, but he places a kiss on my forehead instead. 

“Oh, you know what?” I say suddenly. “I think now is the perfect time to give you your Christmas present.” 

He picks his head up and looks at me. “Yeah?” 

“Uh-huh.” I nod. 

“You know I’m actually Jewish, right?” 

“Christmas is the season of giving. In that spirit, I’m giving you something. You don’t want it?” 

“What are you nuts? Of course I want it!” 

I chuckle as we sit up and I go route through my attaché case, emerging with his perfectly wrapped present. I hand it to him and he looks down at it for a moment before looking back up at me. 

“I swear to God I got you something, but I left it at the White House.” 

“It’s okay.” I nod sitting back down. 

“I could go get it.” 

“Or you could stay here and open that.” I reply. No way am I letting him go back there tonight or tomorrow. I can wait for my present for two days. Him on the road to recovery is my gift. 

He grins at me, and it’s the adorable grin I loved and have missed over the past few weeks. He tears the wrapping off and opens the box. When he pulls back the tissue paper, he smiles widely at what’s down there. 

An advanced copy of my book. 

He runs his fingers gently over the cover. “Off the Record: The Road to the Bartlet White House, by Donnatella Moss, with Joshua Lyman.” He reads quietly. The front cover has a picture of the White House on it on a background of the American Flag. Having helped me edit it and at times, downright write some of it, he knows what it says inside. 

Almost. 

But it didn’t have a title last he knew. “It’s ready?” he asks. 

“It hits the shelves in four more months.” 

“You put my name on the cover.” He smirks. 

“Well, I didn’t want you to sue me for plagiarism. Some of the stuff in there is directly from you, you know.” 

“Sam always says that good writers borrow from other writers, but great writers steal from them outright.” 

“Well, as you already know, I’ve stolen from you outright in there, so…” 

“I don’t have to read it to know you’re a great writer, Donna.” He smiles at me. My eyes fill with tears. It was such a basic compliment from him, but it actually means a lot. Usually, I’m getting yelled at from him for the things I write. “It looks great. I’ve already read it though, so I know it’s the leading authority.” 

“You haven’t read all of it.” I smile at him, and he cocks his head to the side. 

“You changed something?” 

“No. But, I added something.” 

He squints at me slightly. He’s intrigued. “What did you add?” 

“I added the dedication, of course.” I say quietly. 

A look of understanding falls over his face, but he looks a little apprehensive, too, like he’s going to open it up and see I’ve dedicated it to President Bartlet or something. I nod at him in encouragement to open the book. He looks at me for a moment longer before looking back down and open the book. 

“You dedicated it to me.” He says hoarsely. 

“Read the forward.” 

“This book is dedicated in whole to Joshua Lyman.” He begins. His voice is raspy and for a moment, I think the day might have been too emotional to have added this to it, but it’s too late now. “I realize that I should have dedicated it in part to President Bartlet, maybe my parents or my siblings, all of whom I love, adore, and respect, but in truth, this book would not exist in the best form it could possibly be without him. What started out as a professional courtesy by him, blossomed into a friendship, and ultimately, the great love of my life. Words often fail me when I try to describe what I feel for you, Joshua, but I will never know a more dedicated, passionate, strong, caring or better man as long as I live.” 

He looks at it again, I suspect re-reading it himself. I feel myself starting to shake a bit. I was so unsure of his reaction to that. It was mushy. Very mushy. That is not a Josh the political world sees, and so I wasn’t sure if he’d appreciate the sentiment and making him look less threatening. 

He closes the cover and then presses his palms to his eyes for a moment. When he lowers his hands, I can see his eyes are red. When he looks at me straight on, I can see that he’s genuinely touched by my words and I smile tentatively. His hands come up and cup my cheeks. 

“Thank you.” He whispers. 

“I meant every word.” I whisper back. 

He kisses me, and I can feel the emotion pouring off him and washing over me. We ease gently back onto the couch and he stretches out over me. “If I’m half as strong as you think I am, Donna, it’s because I have you. I love you more than anything in the world.” 

“I love you, too.” 

Words seem to fail him now, but that’s okay. He can speak to me without words. He usually does anyway. 

What started out two years ago as a simple hunt for a story, a few quotes for a book, a piqued interest in the man behind the man, has turned into what I hope to be a great love story to tell our grandchildren. 

I will teach our children and our grandchildren that it is possible to love great, and though you are guaranteed to get your heart broken in the process, it will be repaired by that great love. I will show them what he and I have overcome and what we have created along the way. 

I will grow old telling them the story of the great political giant and the Goliaths of men and women behind him; that not all people in politics are evil and out to get them. But that there are real people there that work hard for them and make real sacrifices and sometimes come horrifyingly close to sacrificing everything. 

And I will tell them that for people like Josh and I who manage to find the good and managed to stay true to themselves and cherish what they have will hit it right and have an amazing life together. 

~THE END~


End file.
